the day before

as i sit here the day before, well more the evening before my 33rd birthday i think about this past year i think about what 32 was like and what i learned and whether i am wiser now

32 was crazy hectic and amazing
one constant is my delightful daughter
i sat this morning as she slept in my arms and i was still awed by the fact that I have a daughter
i have a healthy and perfect daughter

i moved AGAIN just a mere few weeks ago and while 32 seemed to be full of a lot of transition and new beginnings 33 is looking like a year of settling in and defining me

32 seemed to be a year of stepping out sometimes on faith sometimes on fear and gumption

i learned to not be so quick to react and at times to wait it out and respond with kindness and humility

i spent the past year thinking that if i know what i am going through and how i feel why would i assume that others are not too fighting some type of battle and do i need to be a jerk or should i treat them the way that i like to be treated

i'm a mom, i'm a mom with a sidekick
i realized this morning i can take some life lessons from my 3 year old

#1-nothing fixes a tough situation like a cuddle- hug it out..get close-you cant stay mad that way
#2-say i love you and say it often-you can never hear i love you enough and its nice to know where you stand with someone
#3-sometimes a good cry is needed to vent and clear your mind and then MOVE ON
#4-have a time table but leave room for flexibility-in life being rigid will get you nowhere so save room for that running behind and being okay with it

those are just a few but im sure i can look at my child and my interaction with my child and learn more
she's passionate and empathetic and i LOVE that about her
she doesnt apologize for being who she is and neither shall i
relationships-ha ive evolved in that department and the lesson i have learned is that while its nice to share-keep some things for yourself

dont live your life and relationship publicly like its a reality show unless you want all the scrutiny and opinion of others

the most important lesson i have learned this past year is that when you pray  and say than you to God-good things happen, good people come in your life, your smiles are endless.

so here's to another year, another year of love, laughter, and happiness

neglect of the blog

can't remember the last time i wrote

as i sit here now in my rocking chair while my munchkin sleeps i keep saying what should i write about

do i write something funny, serious, or maybe in between

looking at jordan and hearing her snore lightly 

part of me thinks of all the things i could be doing, i could run by my old apartment and get my clothes for work or i could take a nap with her

but maybe i should and maybe i will just sit and be calm

maybe i should enjoy the time of not having to really be anywhere or do anything other than be me

so often during the week its busy this and busy that and we long for quiet moments

as a mom we often crave a time to ourselves when the kids are quiet and safe and we can have "our"time -so i guess this is my time

and i can use it to troll the net or whatever i choose

sometimes i come up with these lists of what i want to accomplish in a day for example today i thought get up go to church, get lunch, then nap, unpack more, and then do jordan's hair

then i revised to getting our toes done, then lunch, then nap, then hair

and eventually or what i actually did was unpack more, then lunch, now nap and hopefully after i can wash/do her hair THEN pack some more (ie grab my hanging clothes or work) and get back home

funny how we make a schedule and sometimes we follow it and sometimes we don't 

maybe the lesson or the parallel in this is how we try to plan out our lives we have an idea of what we want to happen when and how we want it to happen but God has his plan and when we are met with obstacles, resistance, or failures and disappointments instead of embracing it and seeing it as a course correction or the opportunity to find a new path, we often stop right there and wallow and try to figure out why our way isnt working

i say this now although i think i am generally a pretty optimistic person

i try to find the good out of situations

i take my moment to have my pity party sure but then i say if this is the situation how can i make it the best situation with what i have

from the insignificant things like today not getting all the things i wanted to get done-DONE 

to some of the larger life interruptions ie my marital status changes

i read an article yesterday in HuffPost about the misconceptions about Divorcees 

there were some myths that i think i too am sensitive to because i know people assume it

one being that i dont believe in the institution of marriage or that i see divorce as a solution or a quick fix

i am the BIGGEST proponent of marriage, not the wedding and the outward(which are nice and fairytale-ish) but I believe in MARRIAGE i believe in the sacrament and sanctity of marriage, i believe in partnership and commitment of two people, i wholeheartedly do. i grew up witnessing a long strong union and that is what i have always strived for

and i also never advocate divorce, i have friends who have gone through it and i feel like its my duty to offer whatever advice i can and suggestions to "trying to fix it or did you try" and never would i ever say divorce is easy or the best solution, its painful, it hurts, and while sometimes you have to rip the band aid off to allow a wound to heal, divorce is a gaping wound

BUT i look where my life is today versus a year ago 

or i look at how each day got easier and i look at how can i learn from this and how do i work with the current pieces

despite knowing how society views me or my choices i have to say April how do YOU view yourself? How does your child view you? How does your family view you? 

AM i happy with myself? The answer is YES

so while i had to have a redirect-i am taking it in stride and making lemon martinis out of the lemons

 

i'm not bitter

i have so many reasons to be bitter
i have plenty of reasons to be an ANGRY cruel woman

but i'm not
and that's not me

situation has given me SO many opportunities to turn the ship toward choppy waters
and make this mountain a hard grueling climb

and sometimes i wait for the switch to flip

tonight i realized not only is that NOT me but that's not what my spiritual foundation will allow or what it teaches me

am i disappointed-YES
would i like things to be different-UNDOUBTEDLY

but reality is-its NOT
and the reality is i can take the high road
or i can take the easy statistical road and role and play it til the wheels fall off

tonight as i stood in my kitchen with my BEAUTIFUL sweet daughter
and her dad was at Target picking up some items for her and calling us as he tried to pick out the perfect halloween costume
i had an epiphany

by so many standards
by so many opinions
perspectives
and normal thinking thoughts

a dad looks and should be a certain way
a dad has certain obligations
and duties to fulfill

but what i realized is that people love and people exist within their own ambiguous and undefined set of limitations and rules

we are quick to place our perspective and our optic on to others and expect them to do and be as we would like or we would hope or as we ourselves would be

in reality human nature is unpredictable AT BEST
sure most people are creatures of habits
and pass behavior is the best predictor for future behavior

HOWEVER
some people operate within their own set of limits and to the best of their ability
sometimes that does not meet our standard
occasionally and rarely it exceeds our standard

but when it doesnt it is SO easy to go down a path of anger and disappointment
chalked full of HOW COULD THEY or
IF I WERE THEM
or I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW IT IS NOT CLEAR AS A DAY

but the bottom line and the end of the day story
is we are all made uniquely and that includes the good, the bad, and the ugly

so while we can want something for someone and see a clear path for them to take
its not our road to travel
they arent our shoes to wear
and you NEVER EVER EVER know what demons someone is facing
you DO NOT understand the choices one makes
or if they are already operating within parameters that they cannot redefine or escape

this is not a cop out or making excuses for those who fall short of our "expectations"
because once you see a cheetahs spots you know subsequently that they are indeed a cat
BUT its a pick your battles and live your life around that cheetah or exit the jungle

give people grace and forgiveness

that does not mean enable and forget
but some people are truly doing the best they can with the coping mechanisms currently in place

its not your job t o judge or change someone
the best examples in life are not the words or advice you give someone

but its walking the walk
and leading by example

so the next time i "wish" things were different
i will stop
and pause and remember things are the way
they are for a reason

for me to learn
for me to grow
for me to have patience
and so many attributes and strengths that often are fostered out of a difficult situation

the wine train continues

tonight on my wine train i have stopped at the Shiraz stop
its not as sweet as the german Gewurtraminer but its got a nice thing going

so today is a combo of mixed thoughts and incomplete blog ideas

i spent my weekend stinky on the couch like a bum
im talking sweats and big socks and i can only attest to brushing my teeth and deodorant
but after a day of allowing my child to indulge in countless episodes of stella and sam and dora and big dora and misc other kids shows
i can say i am current on season 3 of scandal

now while i was a fan of scandal and i thought man this show is good and addressing one of the many big elephants in this very racist world
by episode 14 i was greatly annoyed
so as i look at this incredibly smart woman
a woman who is walking the halls of the white house and associating with some of the most corrupt and highest officials in the free world
and yet she is fundamentally a chick or maybe a guy who thinks and bases her decisions off of hormones like she's 16

because lets bring it back to reality, olivia pope julia baker whomever

you will never ever be more than the help to the president
you may be the best mistress ever
you may be the ultimate side piece but you will never be THE FIRST LADY
and the fact that you can't keep your legs closed is getting OLD

the fact that you are sleeping with Fitz and then on the weekends with Jake-I mean come on broad enough is enough

make a mistake once
have a slip up twice but for 3 seasons this is your M.O
i can't buy it
and as corrupt and sadistic as her Dad -Rowan is at the core of his evil he wants to remove his daughter from a situation that clearly she can't think clearly about
ok that's my rant on scandal
im not sure where this show is going but they can't dance around her being a well dressed and articulate concubine for another season

so next topic
last week at work i was in our operations center and i walked in and i walked past a woman and she turns to the guy across from her and goes omg she is so pretty
and it got me thinking
for a lot of folks they would have been on a high
and dont get me wrong it made my day
but i am what i like to think of as a humble woman and i am a woman through and through with insecurities and imperfections
and while confidence i do have and its a nice cape to wear
i think as women we are always our worst critics

but the encounter got me thinking perception versus reality
often we see people and we impose on them how we think they think say or feel about various situations
we see what appears to be a confident woman and we think oh she thinks she is better than or she probably hears she is gorgeous all the time
and in reality that woman may be fighting the biggest demons
i hear all the time women who say to me
id love to be your size or they comment on my "perfect" body
but there is not a moment when i look in the mirror and see "that"

im a woman and when i look in the mirror
i see areas i need to work on
i see my flaws
things i'd like to change
and so while yes its flattering to hear flattery
it not for one moment goes to my head
i am the one who finds the beauty in everyone and everything and not just by conventional definitions
i think i am not what people expect or perceive

so anyhow enough writing
my sidekick is still up and tomorrow is a school day and i have already missed the window for showering ALTHOUGH i did do her hair lol
sigh
i realized i am that mom who is very go with the flow
on some things i am less pressured and others more rigid but the fact that at 8:09 she is in front of the tv....its just for tonight
live and love
today was a great day
wonderful memories
lots of love
wouldnt change a thing for the word

and i want to give a special shot out (lol) to MY mom who is being the best Gigi ever and i love her and Grampy not that you are second but you both are SO special to me
i love you-we love you-thank you

shiraz is GONE

you were my first

a new experience
an opportunity to try something new

so long ago and yet like yesterday
a lot has changed
many things are the same

a level of comfort
a sense of familiarity

a puzzle piece that just fits
a question that does not require an answer

a rainbow amidst a stormy sky
an oasis in the middle of a desert

butterflies were aflutter
nerves were at an all time high

the mind of a dreamer
the heart of a romantic lover

awakened at the prospect
thrilled by the maybe

seas are ever changing
two boats drifted in the night

the water became choppy
perfect storms arose

eventually seas were calm
the sun began to shine
life began to awaken

second time around
just as sweet

maybe sweeter

no longer a new experience

now a familiar ride down memory lane
nostalgic and safe

live life grow change

wine gets better with time

great stories can be written

memories and amazing lives unfold

perfect people exist in utopia

the right people exist in reality

first means once, a one time opportunity

no repeats

no do overs


a phoenix rises out of the ashes

out of the dust to reveal

a magnificent bird

out of the old

sometimes a new beginning is found


you were my first......................

life is good

sunday reflections

while i did not find myself inside a conventional place of worship that did not stop me from marveling at the beauty around me and the many gifts that God gives us and me in particular

today was a day where i was just at peace
i was calm cool and collected

okay admittedly i did have to use my sharp tone with my child once or twice but at the end of the day she and i had a great time and the throw up has since been cleaned up out of her car seat

i feel there are so many hurdles that pop up to test me and *sidebar minime just climbed up on the couch besides me and lay her head on my shoulder and kissed me*
life is SO sweet

but there are plenty of obstacles and hurdles that come up to test me and test what type of person i really am

sometimes i fail sometimes i pass

i think today was a successful day

the roads were clear and traffic was moving which eliminated one stress that can sometimes do me in

i tried to get a jump start on my week by showering me and mini me early (her hair is not done or washed but hey i have to leave something for Monday)

we went to the grocery store and got food for the week-healthy food
salads for me-which she helped me make (and that included eating half my cucumber)  i love my heathy eater

i purged some items out of her closet as well as folded two loads of toddler clothes which is definitely a PIA

but im grateful for the amount of clothing and articles and "STUFF" that i am able to give my child
i realize so many others are not surrounded by the amount of excess that she is

day by day week by week month by month i continue to be in awe of my daughter
she is BY far my greatest achievement to date
i am humbled by her brightness and kindness
i laugh at her humor and antics
i am touched by her love and affection and extreme cuddly nature

she is such a gift
and one that i LOVE beyond compare and beyond words that i am able to articulate

this sunday when i awoke my world was peaceful and content
my heart was full and overflowing and i thought genuinely LIFE IS GOOD

my life may not be perfect
my life may not be according "everyone's" ideals but to me
my life is SO good
its a beautiful story full of color and character and charm

as each chapter unfolds i learn something new, i cry, i let go and i move on
and sometimes in some chapters i just sit and marvel
or reflect

if you asked me 5, 10 years ago what i thought my life would like that
i could have never predicted this
but that's not bad
its not good
it just is
and from every person to come in my life
and to everyone who has walked away
i am thankful for the time spent and the memories created
i dont have any regrets because i am who i am because of every decision i have made
every path i took whether the road less traveled or the popular one
they have all attributed to my character to my heart and to ME

so as today draws nigh and we hunker down for another work week
think about your sunday think about today and think about how it started
who was on your mind
who did you wake up besides

and ask yourself...aint life grand

Define your wealth

so i am here at work and i SHOULD be working but i'm not
despite having a pretty full schedule

on my drive in this morning the idea of what makes one wealthy and how we all have different interpretations of this was crossing my mind

the quote i saw on pinterest and ive seen before was don't get so busy making a life that you forget to live

ive been reflecting on that

so many people lose themselves and consume themselves and define themselves by their work but once you have walked out th building

what are you going home to

what is keeping you warm at night

i would love to attribute this to the male gender but if we are looking at things honestly

it is women too

one of our chief's of staff a woman is the FIRST to admit she gave up her marriage and the prospect of having kids for her job

don't get me wrong she was powerful and on top of the world

BUT there is a give and take
and despite what "they say" you can't have it all

at some point at some fork in the road you have to choose

work will always be there
but building a family
building a future it wont

life is not guaranteed
people move on
people get tired of being pushed to the side and not being #1

do i love my job
i like it , i like it enough to show up and do a GREAT job but my family my kid they mean FAR more to me
when my day is crazy
when chaos threatens to take over
i keep it in perspective
its my job and i am not going to let me job run me in the ground
because i refuse to let it run me in the ground to where i have nothing left for my kid and my my family

i know i am not the only one who feels this way
but i know a lot of people feel the opposite

i know a lot of guys want to reach a certain status before they settle down
and maybe that is because society places a different level of expectation on men but
what is wealthy to you
is it having coworkers praise your hard work and dedication
or is it that your friends and family say
wow they were always there for me and put us first

im less concerned with how my coworkers view me and know me versus my family and those in my inner circle

do i make them feel like they are a priority or do i make them feel last

for me wealth is not defined by a job title or a dollar amount but by the memories i make and the smiles i can elicit
wealth is defined by warm hugs and laughter
wealth is defined by my loved ones ....bottom line..end of discussion

to love me is to know that you will always come first
my time just like everyone else's is the best gift and the most immeasurable gift you can give to someone
its free but are you willing to give it
or does it have to wait

GOOD Man

There was a strong request by a certain J.S to "write a blog" so here ya go


I was listening to a song on my way in this morning called "Good Man"

and it got me to thinking

the singer was explaining how when women are young they always want the bad boy the guy with the edge and yet once they are a little older they want the GOOD GUY
they want the guy who is not going to hurt them
they want the guy who is steady and consistent

your persepective changes
your optic changes
you mature and you become more realistic in what you want and what appeals to you

at some point in your life you stop and look and say what's important to ME

not what's important to others but what is important to ME

at some point you look in the mirror and say what do I need and want

everyone is different everyone has their own priorities and desires

everyone's good guy will look a little different
just like everyone's ideal mate will be a little different

when you are young you want the hot guy with the sports car
as you become a little older you want the guy with the paid for car
you want the guy who can come meet your family

for me personally i think i have looked for certain qualities in a mate
but what's most important to me now with a daughter is not what was important to me before

now when i think about a mate i want someone who i trust to be around my daughter
it is important to me that there is a certain dynamic between my child and a mate

despite it being 2014 and society still having issues with pairs of people who don't "match" or fit the "public standard"
finally at 32 on the cusp of 33 i don't care

i don't care if the person i choose to be with doesn't look like what you expect from me and for me

what matters to me is how i feel
what matters to me is how im treated

what matters to me is how often i smile how often i laugh

to me-a GOOD MAN does not have a specific package
a GOOD MAN has GOOD ingredients

a GOOD MAN knows when to step up
a GOOD MAN knows when to take the lead
he knows when to stand at your side
he knows when to talk
he knows when to support
he knows HOW to support

a GOOD MAN does not worry how he looks to his buddies because he knows his woman is the #1 priority
a GOOD MAN sees your vulnerabilities and doesn't exploit them but shares his with you so that as a team you can be stronger

a GOOD MAN knows your strengths and weaknesses and loves you in spite and through them

challenges are just THAT a challenge to a GOOD MAN and not a end of the road or a deterrent

as a girl i wanted fun and i wanted thrill and yes those are nice now but as a WOMAN what i want most to compliment me is a GOOD MAN who fits MY BILL
not anyone else's
not my best friend's
not my family
BUT mine
we all lay our heads on our own pillows at night
and if you can lay your head soundly on your pillow and know you are tasting happiness then
that is ultimately all that matters

New city-new adventures-new beginnings -PA -AZ oh my

initially i was going to write about how my bestie is moving to PA and how it is going to be a change a new environment and a new start BUT then i thought man this is going to be GREAT

#1-she will be so close to me so that for the next 2 years I will have my partner in crime a mere hours away-i'm talking weekend trips here i come
i realize her family is sad but the reality is it is definitely a treat and a rarity to have family all live within close confines of the city
I am SUPER close with my family but my parents live in Michigan and my siblings in NYC

BUT that does not make us any less close..its not always super convenient but space is not always a bad thing

your love and relationship is not always strained or lessened by extra miles

long distance whether with family or a significant other may not always be simple but who wants simple

it makes you appreciate the time you spend together
distance makes you find creative ways to keep in touch and creative ways to let the person know they are on your mind and you love them

josh for example lives about 4/5 hours away and in all fairness and in a world of highly motivated people i could easily see him every other weekend if needed

its not like he is on an island or 10 hours away
would i love to see my brother everyday MAYBE and who knows what future seasons will hold

but to my bestie who i know this stresses out ..its not so bad...it makes you stronger you become more self reliant and more defined by who you are

sometimes i would love to be closer to home so i could have free babysitting and sleep over at my parents house on the weekends when i wanted
more family functions..more dinners..etc

but since im not at this moment i just am thankful for having a loving ad supportive family that utilizes technology and other ways to make me feel not so far

long distance relationships were never my thing
they were never on my list of things to partake in and areas that i am willing to try

amazing how whenever you make a bold declaration such as what you WILL NOT do
that when God challenges you and hands you a new adventure and a test

AZ is far-i wont lie and man oh man if i had my way i'd pick ten other places closer

but guess what-that's not the plan
sometimes you can rewrite the plan and other times you just have to stick to the script

hmmmm so the pros of LONG DISTANCE

-you focus on the important things and not so much the little insignificant ones
-communication becomes your strongest attribute because you dont have the luxury of day to day, night to night, morning to morning face to face conversations
you build your relationship on emails and phone calls and letters and with the aid of technology there is now facetime and dont forget your SELFIE lol

im sure there is some other stuff and i wont begin to list the cons because well hell i dont want to and i dont need to go down that path

but BOTH of these lovely folks departures are on a timeframe (THANK GOSH)
let me say this again THANK GOSH

I can whine my way through 2 years-it has an expiration date before things go back to normal

if it was indefinite the sentiment would be VERY different

now while i whine through one 2 years i am going to celebrate and drink through the 2 years of the PA adventure!!!!!!

I have missed my best friend and there is NO other like her-there just isnt
and her sisters have had her all to themselves and NOW I am about to hoard her like a TLC special
stage that intervention!!!!!

 

As the Sunday Sun sets

sitting in my apartment with the patio shades open
peacefully taking in the setting sun

jordan and i both comfortably on the couch snuggled in warm blankets fresh out the dryer

i love after a wonderful weekend just being able to sit and reflect and replay the moments
moments that made me smile
things that made me laugh
moments that will forever be in my mind and forever remind me of a happy time and what life is all about

the yummy smell of peach bellini lingers in the air
a reminder of a turning point and a new start for me

last christmas my forever bestie gifted this candle to me
and i told myself i would not light it until i moved
the new candle signified a new start for me

it signified reacquainting myself with who i am and what makes me smile
in january when i first lit the candle i cried
i cried as i looked around at my life and saw some of the changes as setbacks and failures

the candle was symbolic for me
the smell is amazing and it has a comforting affect
initially i didnt want to burn the candle because i wanted it to last i wanted to hold on to it
and as i think about that
i guess that represents life
often we dont want change we fear it we hold on to where we are because its comfortable
we resist giving our all and risking being vulnerable

but in order to smell the sweetness in life
you have to light the candle
you have to enjoy the beautiful aroma of surprises
and new beginnings and new things

as the months passed by and i continued to light the candle
so many changes happened in my life
the candle continues to burn and although im saddened that it almost gone
i look at where i am now versus january
this candle has gotten me thru the past 8 months
and the smell has gotten sweeter
my life has moved forward
i no longer cry when peach bellini fills the air
i smile
i smile at where i am now
i smile wondering what changes will happen next
i wonder when the candle burns its last time
what will be the new start
what new sweetness will fill the air

i sometimes cringe at starting over and going back to square one
but somehow for me
i continue to land in a sweet spot
my support system is always there and ready to rally behind me
and the right people come in my life and the ones that are not so right are weeded out naturally

so as this Sunday draws to a close and another weekend is behind me
i think how sweet my life is
i think about the smile on my face and the warmth in my heart
i think that right now at this moment i wouldnt change a thing
im right where i need to be

38 years and counting!!!!

so i want to dedicate today's thoughts and blog to a couple i know pretty well and today they are celebrating 38 years of marriage

38 YEARS-HOLY ISH!!!

That's a long time..its longer than i've been a live
its 3 decades almost 4

38 years is a LONG time-okay i know i already said that but as someone who seemingly hasn't even seen a 5 year let alone 10 years
38 years is FOREVER

are they cut from a different cloth

is it a generational thing

what is it that binds a couple together for 38 years

its not just love, although having some of that helps

is it commitment

is it EQUAL commitment
i think many failed marriages have the commitment but maybe its not equal or maybe its not strong so that when its tested
its crumbles

i think of how amazing it must be to have that much time in with someone

i think about how well you know someone and how im sure it genuinely gets sweeter and sweeter as the years go by

to get through the first 10 years of identifying and defining yourselves as a couple
then another 10 years to get into a groove and enjoy life and one another
then another 10 years to keep doing what you have clearly been doing and doing it well

ive read statistics that say divorce can be a generational thing
but then i look at me
my parents are celebrating 38 years and yet
where am i
not divorced just once but almost twice

why is that

i had a PERFECT example
i saw what it takes
i dont think i lack the commitment

i dont lack the desire and willingness to put in the work
i want til death do us part

i want to be confident in my relationship
i want to have that security that my partner is mine and mine alone and that no matter what obstacle comes along they will STILL be there

i want that spouse that is mindful of me and my sensitivities and fights fair
i want a spouse that disagrees but does not say things to damage or destroy me and our relationship

i want to build something and watch it grow
i have already created an alternate family model for my child
but how can i still give her what my parents gave me
i want to give her stability and positive examples

i dont want my child to replicate my mistakes and failures
i dont want her to see divorce as the norm and an easy out
i want my child to know her gigi and grampy put in decades together and that is the example
that is the model

soooo to mom and dad thank you for showing me how its done
even if i cant seem to get it right
at least i KNOW and have an excellent example of what marriage looks like and i see what the fruits of your labor produce
thank you
thank you
and Happy Anniversary 

the most perfect day

i know perfection is an illusion and that if you ask some there is NO such thing as anything perfect

but let me tell you today and this morning was PERFECT

my child and i woke up late as usual
but unlike the old me

i wasn't rushed
i moved with a purpose but there was no point in getting worked up and bringing her along on that excitement

we walked down all 4 flights this morning at the most leisurely pace
and by the time i reached the bottom i thought wow i always try to teach my child stuff but this morning the lesson was taught by her

jord taught me this morning to not get so caught up in the clock but to really stop and enjoy the moment
and today the moment was in walking down the stairs this morning with our matching shoes and on the same foot at the same time

we got to school and had a smooth drop off and then i hopped in my car
rolled my windows down
cranked my radio and drove to work

the whole ride i reflected on the perfection of the morning and how great i felt

usually mondays are a day to drag and miss the weekend
but today i felt amazing

i had a wonderful weekend
full of adventure and laughter and fun and while i can reflect back on it fondly and replay lots of the moments over and over and reproduce a smile
BUT the feeling i had this morning with the perfect 79 degrees and the sun softly kissing my skin
was just PERFECT

all is well
all is good
i have no complaints

i know every monday is not this way
but this monday was my perfect monday

we all need a perfect day where we are determined to just enjoy the moment and determined to not focus on all the crazy and "other" stuff and really just stop and think what is good and right in our life and our world and let that be our guide

let that be your smile
there will always be something that can be fixed or can be better
but there are SO many things in life that are JUST RIGHT the way they are

it's the little things

in life it is so easy to focus on the big picture and thebig things that we truly forget to sometimes appreciate the little things

today is monday and after an amazing time in michigan with my family i am back at work

i am tired and just trying to make it through the day
its not a bad day but a monday

however in the midst of my monday i got a wonderful surprise

something unexpected but completely welcome and appreciated

which brings me to my topic of the little things often holding more importance than the big things

over the past 2 days i had two acts of goodness done for me and despite being tired
i am now wearing a smile

the first one-i will just shout out my dad for yesterday

my heart was warmed and it was so thoughtful

thank you Dad , i love you

and todays act was something completely out of the blue and if i could have jumped up and down at my desk i would have

it was nice to be thought of and i think if more people did small acts for others the world would be a happier place

i had such a great time at home

had great times with my mom and we talked and bonded over a  nice bottle of prosecco

my dad was in 7th heaven with my mini me aka his favorite little person

and of course i spent some time with my other half and my adorable little niece

albeit too short i left home feeling recharged and my heart feeling love and loved

so todays thought and the thought for the week is to smile and help someone else smile

Excess

my name is april and i live in loudoun county

the richest county in VA

the land of excess and 700,000 homes

the land of the Jones'

its interesting the timing of things in life

the past few months i have been taking a hard look at my life

and my spending and how much "stuff" i have and how much "extra" i have

i have been toying around with how i can simplify my life and my environment

i am aware well more aware now having a child how much "stuff" we can acquire

i realized a long time ago I will not be the Jones' and so i checked myself out that race

i will not be the housewife of ashburn with the diamond on my finger worth more than most people's homes

that's just not going to be me

i often have the conversation with coworkers and whomever like WHAT IS IT THESE PEOPLE here all do to afford to this lifestyle

i have deducted most are mortgage poor and living beyond their means

most are probably in debt beyond their eyeballs and living check to check

and there are probably some who can legitimately afford the lifestyle

but im pretty sure that's not the majority

so i was invited to do a small group discussing and reading the book 7 an experimental mutiny against excess

i think it came right on time for me

i was at a point where i realized i sure did love my facebook but i was giving it too much time, i realized i was eating out far too much, when in reality i am actually a damn good cook, i realized that Amazon app may need to be used a little less, and maybe just maybe it was time to actually use all my lotion and body products and perfume before i buy anymore

all these thoughts were going through my head and then in comes this book and this study

the first portion of the study focuses on a food fast...
now before anyone gets all excited i am NOT about to starve myself BUT what i am doing is looking at the waste and excess food i eat use or throw away

it puts it in perspective when you think about people who would love to eat ours scraps and food we waste
or people who don't know where their next meal is coming from
and our biggest decision is beef or lobster

often as humans we look up to those who are doing better than us and use them as a barometer to judge our next move or determine where we stand
and if that is the case you also have to look at those who have LESS

those who will never experience having a full belly those who will never experience having a holiday based around food and greed and gluttony

so for me..my challenge is to not eat out and eat the food in my freezer and refrigerator and NOT buy lunch at work and bring my lunch

i am also expanding on the meatless monday plan and not eating meat during the work week and saving it for the weekends so it will be a treat

part of that was a weight management optimal health option but it fit right in with the EXCESS study

there are other weeks that will touch on social media excess, and shopping, and stress

all areas where we can always do some trimming

for me a few months back i took a Facebook hiatus
and yes it sucked and all my friends would come into work like did you see this or i put it on facebook

at first i went through withdrawal but then not having that temptation to check it at night or in the car or during every free moment  was freeing
so i still have FB but it is NOT on my cellphone which means I have to put forth effort to check it on my laptop
as a result i check it maybe once a week

so over the next 9 weeks during the study i look forward to getting rid of some of my excess and appreciating what i have and what i need and not falling to consumerism and materialism  so that my child grows up with values
and solid values vs the superficial ones that are easy to look around and develop

If I fall in love with Chewbacca and elope SO WHAT!!!

funny title however this blog is nothing but

i try not to be an angry writer but every once in awhile a topic pops up that pushes me to a point of extreme passion

today i was reading an article and it was about how Tia & Tamera cancelled their show and not because of poor reviews but because of the extreme HATE and ignorance they received regarding Tamera's interracial marriage

so here i go

there were so many UGLY terms utilized in the comment section regarding the show and the couple which of course unhinged the very gaping never healing wound of racism in America

2014 and while some generations feel it less there are others that are very aware of some of the underlying feelings that once ran rampant in our country

the term SELLOUT was one of the less ugly terms compared to "whore" and "bed wench" and some others that anger me to even write

let me compose myself just a bit

I am a firm believer in you date and marry and love who makes you happy and makes you most complete

whether they are the same race, another race, or same sex

who am i to determine what works for you and your heart and your life

many of the negative comments were from black males

black males who felt she was denying the brotherhood a good wife

when in reality thats probably NOT the case

its similar to when women see an attractive gay man and proclaim WHAT A WASTE

how narrow minded can you be

you will not and cannot date every man and every man is NOT for you

black males are not the ultimate protector of black women
if that is the case every black man would adore and respect his black woman

WE know that is not the case just like in any other race

i dont think black women have an obligation to date only black men
i think women black white asian or indian should date who makes them happy and loves them
end of discussion no further explanation


it would be ignorant to not acknowledge the history of the county but everyone does not continue to share those feelings and sentiments

to call someone a SELLOUT as if they are having an identity crisis is beyond offensive and deplorable

as a black woman who has dated and married both in my race and out

let me be the first to say i am just as much me whether married to someone in my race or out

my marrying outside of my race was not linked to lacking pride in who i am or some attempt to live out some crazy white man/slave master fantasy (YES i actually read that on the article to)

i wont sit here and say the line i dont see color
because everyone sees color
but its how you react and respond to it that makes the difference

i recognize there are some differences amongst gender, amongst color, amongst age, and definitely socioeconomic levels

so you have to be honest and acknowledge you see MANY factors

im not a woman who is not in touch with her culture or feels she identifies better with a different race and so in the ultimate culminating act i married outside my race
NO way

i date and marry who i feel a connection with
who makes me fundamentally happy and i want to spend my life with


i dont like blanket statements that a black husband will always be better or hey if you want to be treated and respected you need to marry a white man

NO dont feed me that bullshit because we will have words
if you want to be happy be happy and be happy on your terms

dont let society and its ignorances dictate who you should marry
marrying within your race is not a guarantee of happiness
the key to a successful marriage is in the communication and the commitment to the commitment
not in the physical attributes


it makes me sad to read the ignorance that was so readily spewed by individuals
and for a family to actually cancel their show because of the HATE and to protect their family
its a wake up call

interracial relationships and marriages have been around for a long time and its my gut that they are not going away
so we can continue to embrace and support or we can keep our narrow minded views on the table

I don't believe in luck...I believe in HIS plan

I dont ever write from a religious aspect

i prefer my posts to be fun, funny, or maybe thought provoking

im not the person who tells you i am a Christian before you know my name

i think its best to show you what i believe through the way i treat you and the way i make you feel

quoting scripture and parts of the Bible can come across a bit show boaty and obnoxious

but treat someone with kindness and love and loyalty and humility is what I think the Bible is all about

Faith, Hope, and LOVE...Love being the most important GIFT

let me sidebar and emphasize that LOVE is a GIFT 
its not small 
its not a given
its not to be taken lightly
a GIFT
think about every other gift you have given or received and how you treat it
how do YOU treat love
do you take it for granted
do you put it on a shelf for later
for the RIGHT time
are you saving your love for the right person


everything else, all the other man made and man controlled parts of religion are secondary and mean nothing without LOVE

a few thoughts are running through my head when I think about the paths we take and the roads we walk in life

a story was shared with me recently and i know its cliche to say it gave me goosebumps but it did

this person was young and at a party and was leaving with two friends, actually in the car and a third friend  came out and said stay a little longer so they did and shortly after those two individuals in that car were in a tragic accident that took the life of one and left another marred for ever

that is not luck that is an angel looking over you that is someone higher protecting you
but when you stop and pause to know that moments prior you were in that car or what would have happened if....thats a long road of contemplation

there are moments in life where our mortality is so clear and evident and invincible we are no more

my other thought that renders me speechless is the way our lives are all connected

the way some people stay in our lives and others dont
some people you think will always be around and i dont mean them passing away i mean you cant conceive how the relationship will change and yet somehow sometimes some of them do

and then there are other people who remain in your life despite circumstance well maybe not DESPITE
but there are people who season after season remain present
relationship dynamics may change and may grow but its amazing and intriguing WHAT makes a relationship weather the storm

what makes you stay in contact with someone year after year
how is it that you can have LIFE happen but then you pick back up like nothing ever changed

is it because people are in your life to teach you or maybe for you to teach them
are people in your life to give you something (and i dont mean something tangible) but are they there to give a part of themselves that only they can give you and that you need , whether you know it or not

or do people come into your life to receive someone only you can give
or is it a mutually giving relationship
sometimes in the middle of crisis and chaos two people find each other and they bond through the weathering of a storm

and once that storm subsides they come through with a new forged bond
i look at the people in my life and i think about outside of my family who have been my constants
less than two hands

i think about people who are around for a season
it can be a good season it can be a trying season and somehow they work themselves out your life

but i think its amazing to have a long term season after season presence
where someone knows stuff about you

anyhow i jumped around on my topics a bit
but i think we are given who we need and what we need
i think we as humans want to question or fit things into OUR ideals and our plan
but its funny because life works itself out the way it should
so you can try to author your perfect life but its unrealistic and
you will wind up with a lot of scratch outs and eraser marks

i think if you with eyes wide open welcome and embrace the joys mysteries surprises and lessons of life you will find a more peaceful existence
one where you question less
and sometimes accept because it is

ok no big conclusion
good night

it's gonna be a LOVELY day!!!!!!

well today is everyone's FAVORITE day

a day of relax and easing into the weekend

i was up last night at 130 and wide awake until around 4ish for the second time this week

that's so unlike me

of course my mind tends to be super active during those hours

#1-i looked over at my sweet child who lay besides VERY deep in slumber and i thought how even though prior to bed she was testing every boundary, when she was sleep, there was an innocence, my amazing child

and the thought that ensued from watching her was just how precious life is
before i was a mother my point of view
my grasp of the world was so limited
i was self centered and even in my thought to think i was worldly i was SELF CENTERED

until you are a parent you will lack that element
but the moment you have created that life or have that charge and responsibility
it is monumental
to know i grew a child
that thought never fails to wow me and render me speechless
so while she is crossing over into the TRYING THREES
i LOVE her and i am SO blessed to have her to hold her to love her

which leads me to thought #2 i saw a quote on Pinterest and it said if you are going to complain about those who have more than you don't forget to acknowledge those who have less than you

Some days I want to complain about not being able to have all the things I might want
and one of the funny ways to humble yourself is to think of those memes that say FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

and that is a good way to think about it
yes i want to complain sometimes about living on the 4th floor with a toddler and lugging stuff up and down and yes somedays its okay to vent but keeping it in perspective that just a few zip codes over there are folks who would PRAY to have an apt such as mine

It puts things back in perspective VERY quick
I have food, my needs are met, I have a new car, I have super AC, and I have an AMAZING support system so in many ways I am rich beyond compare

do i have days when the weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders YES but I am able to have a glass of adult beverage and get a nights sleep and then you know what
the next day because there is a next day i can try again
i can shoot for another day

life is meant  to be lived
life is meant to be enjoyed
everything in life cannot be calculated and put on a timeline
life cannot be spent questioning everything that happens
everyone that enters your life or everyone that leaves it

sometimes we need a reminder of the beauty of things but when you see the beauty ..really stop and see it
see the beauty
smell the roses
embrace it
its a gift

not sure if i had writers block or just pure laziness....however here's a few thoughts

todays message was brought to you by the Smith sisters!!!

sometimes you need someone to kick you and remind you to quit being lazy

as i lay here in my bed with my minime finally knocked out and of course right next to me
i sit and think what a wonderful weekend I had..

it's not always the activities or the grandiose adventures that are the fibers of a great weekend
sometimes the wonder of a weekend lies in having no agenda
setting no alarms
moving at your own pace
accomplishing what you may
and not worrying about the rest

in a culture where we work work work
monday thru saturday and maybe acknowledge sunday
early mornings and late nights

we all need to recharge our minds and bodies and you cant do that by continuing to go go go and run on E and fumes

i absolutely hate nothing more than spending my weekend full of activities that i blink and its already Monday and time to go back to the grind

maybe because i am older but certainly because i have a child
the "stop to smell the roses" and "dont sweat the small stuff"
are my biggest mantras

because at the end of it, if you can't change the outcome introducing stress into your life is only detrimental

during the week i have a routine and my time with my child is limited so when that friday night rolls in
its clothes off and time to unwind

i have learned to say NO to people
and spend my time how and with whom i want
being forced to spend my precious times in ways that dont make me happy is a thing of the past

the days go by and so do the weeks and months and if you are in a constant cloudy state of mind or environment
its time to reassess and do something about it

im not advocating becoming a flake
but just like with our wardrobe in the spring we do a little cleaning
taking out the old and unnecessary items or articles that no longer have a place

i think its good to do that in your life
doesnt have to be in the spring it could be winter or summer
but do some digging and look at what you dont need in your life
stress, bad habits, toxic friends, debbie downers

and then go shopping
bring in some positive
bring in some sunshine
some happiness
some smiles

smiling is SO underrated
how often do you smile
when was the last time you laughed
i mean REALLY down to your gut laughed

life will always present obstacles
there will be seasons of rain and darkness
you will face disappointment and you may face it again and again

so when HAPPY arrives on your doorstep
dont question it
dont be wary
dont worry about what others think about your happy

you jump right into that pool of happy and laughs and you enjoy it
HAPPY may not be 365 BUT if you're lucky HAPPY can be 350
but if not and if you only get half of that

ENJOY it
embrace it because its HAPPY and not a storm or disappointment
wear your happy enjoy it
because everyone else will have their happy and they can't give you theirs...sometimes they can share a little
but your HAPPY will always be made just for you

sometimes its the little things...others its the big...but either way ...just dont forget to stop and smell the roses

dance like no one is watching

BE HAPPY

why do "we" defend our relationships

amidst all of the many exciting experiences I had on my Monday and Tuesday with the Police and Fire Department

i am never far away from relationship thoughts and inspiration

so i was listening to one of the firemen who was saying he was getting married
and one of the guys said hey didn't you guys just meet
and that is when things got interesting

this guy sat and began to explain or rationalize his relationship

i was a tad floored and i know that its in good fun and yes our friends will always ask questions BUT today it made me think

why do we feel the need to "explain" our relationships to other

it's almost like we need to justify to someone else the decision we make

or maybe it's again others wanting to impose their own choices and way of thinking on to someone else

i really wanted the guy to say "because this works for us"

a relationship starts with TWO and very true it branches out to others and becomes a larger circle but the immediate and the core is between the two

i was discussing with a coworker and we cited another example..couples with matching tattoos

that becomes a very quick "oh i would never" response from most people and every time i hear that i think
THEN DON'T
but who are you to make a statement which is borderline rude to someone who did get the adorable *cough cough* matching tattoos

i hear so many people the moment they talk about a new gf/bf begin to EXPLAIN the person
and i just wonder WHY is it we do that

is it the pressure to please others or to try to show others that we make good decisions and choices

beyonce and jay z -outside of their musical influence i look at the way they have managed and balanced their relationship under the public scrutiny

they control what you see and what you know
and for MANY years they never even confirmed the actual relationship VS other celebs who can't wait to pop into the front  of the camera lense

i have a great deal of respect for the privacy they keep in their relationship vs say KIM and KANYE who leave no mystery to them and their relationship
they are eager to let it ALL play out on a reality tv show

so i am curious why do we defend our relationships

if it is supposed to originate and grow from the two

its nice when we receive the approval of those closest to us but if the core is not happy or sturdy then the external relationship approval is secondary 

Card carrying member of the Daddy's Girl club!

It's no secret, there's no way of hiding
I am a self admitted HONEST to goodness to the core
DADDY'S GIRL!!!

Although let me caveat that by saying my beloved little child is surely trying to wedge her way into my spot and share the spotlight!!!

I know a lot of women say-oh my Dad was always my hero and I don't know that I would say that because my Dad has been SO much more

My Dad and I have had a great relationship well after the age of 1 when I was not afraid of his beard

BUT when I think about it
the relationship i had with my Dad set the tone for my future relationships with men

Seeing my Dad do things for my Mom and his Mom and his sisters provided me with a solid foundation and example for how a man should be

My Dad is STRICT and no NONSENSE-200%
But on the flip side he is incredibly loving and fair

to my Dad I have always been a princess
not the overly indulged train wreck that no guy wants to be around

but the princess turned woman that knows her worth and has ambition and an opinion
dont get me wrong my Mom has instilled some kick ass traits in me too and if you have known me for 5 minutes and heard my mouth or ever crossed me the wrong way
you KNOW i am no pushover so thanks to EBH for that

my Dad encouraged me to be whatever I wanted to be
and let me know I could do it all and STILL be a girly girl

over the years i have watched my Dad buy my mom flowers and great gifts and lots of romantic gestures for my mom
i have watched him and accompanied them as a 3rd wheel to fancy dinners (because i never had a date) and what daddy's girl would be left behind on a dinner to Morton's

my Dad always ensured that despite my height
i always embraced it and felt beautiful

its one thing for your mom to love you and tell you are beautiful but the validation of your Dad having that example that figure
it makes a difference

I talk to my Dad everyday even as a 30 something year old
I love bouncing ideas off of him
and even moreso going home and sharing pastimes with him such as eating our favorite Michigan Black Cherry Ice Cream or White chocolate chip cookies
there is nothing like going home and having my dad cook my favorite foods...that is feeling special
and as adult you want a man that makes you feel special

you want a man that cherishes you
gets you cards with more than two lines in it
a man that respects you and protects you and always reminds you that you are beautiful

i can change a tire, i can put fluids in my car
i can shut off the water in a house
i can fix things ON MY own
i can go in a car dealership and wheel and deal with the best of them and i DARE you to try to BS me-you will be sorely mistaken (that's when EBH and my Dad come out in me)

my Dad has given me skills to be independent and self sufficient and yet  reminded to always be a lady

so today Dad this blog is for you

I love you and thank you for helping me be me

thank you for the firm guidance

thank you for the rules in your house that helped me get to where i needed to be with the right amount of discipline

thank you for the love
thank you for always reminding me that i can ALWAYS come home
thank you for letting me keep my key

and for always getting my hair done hahahah

so while Jord is trying to take over as the favorite and it seems easy because she is so much like me, i know i am always your little girl

xoxoxo

Dedicated to my favorite girl....Kellee Sabrina formerly SMITH

I know I am the biased best friend/sister

but

today I was able to witness my best friend marry her most perfect mate

I have known Kellee for 30+ years and we are more sisters than anything else

she is my sister because she chooses to be not because of blood that runs through us

today as i sat in the church i was able to sit from afar and watch my amazingly beautiful best friend

kellee looked nothing short of stunning

i am not a crier , well not at weddings but i found myself misty eyed the whole time and just in awe at her dress and the glow that radiated from her

i know that's my bestie and of course i think she is perfect every other day but today was different

as i watched her with her now husband, you could see the love rolling off the both of them

i knew that they are truly meant to be

he has loved my best friend for over 10 years and that type of love is so uncommon so rare

and yet today i witnessed a couple who have grown up and grown together

i witnessed a man who has ADORED and cherish MY Kellee from the day he met her

DN has always said he would marry Kellee and today he made good on his word


i normally am excited for weddings for the pretty dress and the cake at the reception

but today on 4/26 it was SO very different

this wedding meant so much MORE to me
it was personal
i sat there and really was beyond HAPPY for my other half

i am so happy that she is with her perfect man
and as they walked down the aisle and DN picked up their beautiful daughter

it was like looking at the most complete
most happy family

and for that i was awed and for that i was overjoyed

so to my other half and now her other half
i wish you all the joy and smiles and happiness and all the goodness that life and love has to offer

today watching you Kellee and DN I was reminded of love and how love is always worth it
Love is worth being there everyday

Love is worth taking the time
love is worth putting in the work

how many of us have that love
how many of us are sticking in it through and through

anyhow to my beautiful Kellee-I LOVE YOU!!!

Peeps, Frilly dresses and HoneyBaked Ham

I interrupt your full bellies and thoughts of dessert with a Sunday Easter yet non Easter-y blog

Coping mechanisms

we all survive and thrive and get over setbacks and difficulties in our own ways

often we learn to cope and deal in ways that are not what most would define as HEALTHY

but we cope nevertheless

some people throw themselves into a sport or a new found hobby

that may seem healthy and it can be when there is balance but if it becomes a crutch then ultimately it can become detrimental

coping and self preservation go hand in hand
at the end of the day we have to take care of self first and foremost

but what is the best way to do it

i had an epiphany today about myself and then i had an ah hah moment

i realized that i have a fear of failure more specifically fear of failure in my relationships

from past bad experiences..i have established an unhealthy self preservation and that is dooming a relationship or expecting the worst at the first sign of conflict

we all know conflict is inevitable and its normal and its in dealing with conflict that defines us and our relationship

i have become so accustomed to conflict being the beginning of the end that i honestly forgot HOW TO WORK THROUGH things or not HOW to work through it but how to NOT overstress during conflict

it sounds simple
and maybe it is
or maybe its not

sometimes its having that security blanket or that trust to know that every disagreement is not the end

maybe the underlying issue is finding security and trust in another person
someone who is not your blood and semi obligated to stick around and work through it

maybe it is the extremely high divorce statistic that i admittedly am a part of
once the rose colored glasses are off and on the ground stomped into two million pieces (how was that for DRAMATIC)
but how do you regain a semblance of trust again

im sure some would say give it time
but i actually wonder if time is not your friend in this instance

i think sometimes too much time can be detrimental
the more time people spend alone and by themselves operating as a one person unit
the harder it is for them to acclimate to a TEAM environment

i have witnessed lots of bachelors and bachelorette's that after so long just become so set in their ways and THEIR WAYS that they lose the necessary element of compromise and understanding that is a definite requirement for a successful relationship

it can't always be one way or the other
that leads to down the road regret

compromise should be given willingly because you know the other person would do the same for you
and your goal should never be to always be the coach sometimes just be player

somehow or as usual i have digressed from my topic
but in my own self reflection and remixing
i realized i need to work on giving trust and letting go of some of my control

if i never let go and allow life to happen and unfold organically
not only will i stress myself but part of the beauty of life is watching the garden bloom and seeing the fruits of your labor

being a good person
having a kind heart
being patient
giving more than you take
speaking kind words
possessing understanding and the ability to just listen

i think there are certain elements that good people all possess
one of my favorite movies has a quote where the character says they want a clause a safety money back guarantee so that they know that they know that they know

and i get that feeds back to my unmoved romanticism (thanks Dad for that)
but i understood the point she was trying to make and wouldnt that be nice

anyhow
happy EASTER

UNTITLED>>>>>>>>>

it's monday.....the start of a new week
a day that signifies a do over and a fresh start

today's topic admittedly was solicited BUT it was poignant and allowed me to do some introspective thinking

"what have you gained and what have you lost by taking a risk"?

or "what can you gain or lose by taking a risk"


we all live our lives through our own soundtracks and ideals

some people prefer a slow steady tempo while others like to explore the shuffle option on the play deck

life can be full of beautiful surprises ...but how is that best achieved...what is the formula

do you experience all life has to offer and all the beauty of love and smiles and laughter when you play it safe or do you have the most life altering and memorable moments by stepping outside your comfort zone and taking a chance...taking that leap of faith

i can say from personal experience and personal loss that it becomes very daunting and almost crippling to take a risks at times especially after being hurt

you want to recoil and stay in your safe little world
its hard to let go of the hurt and disappointment that you have experienced

you tell yourself things like NEVER AGAIN
and it's just not worth it

some may call this being smart
others would disagree and call you a COWARD

so here we go
and i may sound a bit hypocritical because im still a work in progress and i still struggle with holding back and not letting myself really soar and be unencumbered by my fears of failure or fears of repeated wrong choices

part of that is being human but part is choosing how you want to live the rest of your life
do you want to remind yourself everyday of what has not gone right
or do you want to look forward to what can be and what can be great

do you want to sail new seas and experience new heights or do you want to just cruise at a low altitude

when you are in the midst sometimes you can't see the sun breaking through because of all the dew but do you stand there and wait on the dew to past or do you keep walking forward and catch the sunrise

often times i jump head first into things and i know people say its not smart
i realize everyone has an opinion
did you think it out
are you sure
why dont you give it time
why dont you
why dont you

calculated is fine for some things
but for others i think if you are always sitting on the sidelines waiting for the "perfect" chance, the "perfect"moment you will spend your whole life waiting

i looked for the perfect relationship in the past...i know now perfection doesn't exist
its a state of mind
its a balance of all the right things and important things to you rolled up in one where they outweigh the not so perfect things

taking a leap of faith sounds so easy
but you have to have some elements present
you need trust and sometimes in order to have trust you need assurance

people make promises all the time
promises are broken all the time
so making that leap of faith requires the ability to jump in..all the way in...without holding back without holding on

how do you do that
i dont have that answer...still figuring it out myself

but i think it goes a little something like this
the past is the past
learn from it
but leave it there
dont let your past define you
let it teach you
let it make you stronger
let it show you what you want or dont want

let your past not follow you or loom around
your past is not your present and its not your future

all easier said than done
but how often and for how long will we punish ourselves for our past
how long will we live according to what happened 2, 3, 5, 10 years ago 

i know im guilty of it
i know i need to change
i want to unpack and leave the heavy trunk behind and carry only the valuable lessons i need with me

life is worth living and living fully
having regrets
thats unhealthy and destructive
we can all list our regrets from now until Sunday
but does it solve anything

everything happens for a reason
timing is always when it is meant to happen not when we want it
do i have regrets...i have some "i wish i'd made a better choice or a different choice"

but even out of my most undesirable choices...there generally was a beautiful surprise....................





 

Recovery is for those that WANT it , not those that NEED it

I took an early day to clear my mind and rest and recover from a nice headache

part of my agenda was to catch up on tv

so first up and the only one I watched was my favorite Chicago Fire

There was a quote that I heard and it prompted me to want to write about it because it very much brings a situation close to me full circle

"Recovery is for those that want it, not those that need it"

The character said it and I laughed sooooo here goes

often in life we can see the error of others ways

we can see how they can change or how they overcome their hurdle, obstacles, battles, or demons

and let me interject here real quick to say MOM this is NOT about you!!!

i think it is always easy to make an assessment of someone and their situation from our seat and our shoes

but this quote says it is and that it is not about someone needing help..i think that is half the battle but it is about someone hitting rock bottom and acknowledging and owning that they need help and they need to change

i think the simplest way to think about this is through the role of parent and child

a parent always wants the best for their child they want to see them successful and happy and with more sunny days than dreary

no parent wants to see their child struggle unnecessarily but at some point they have to let their child learn the hard lesson

this quote was used in a addiction scenario on the show and it most certainly applies

there are people in our lives with habits we wish they would modify whether drinking or poor spending habits
but ultimately what we want for them is just that WHAT WE WANT
and the only life we have control over is our own

marriages most often will face some hills and valleys just like any relationship
they can be fixed and mended and a greater bond can be forged

but it is all about the attitude

being in it to win it no matter what
no matter the argument no matter the hurt feelings of the moment

but to tie this back in and come back in from my tangent

recovery and i will use the word change here as a synonym
but change comes when someone wants it not because they need it
change occurs from within and not always from outside influence

that quote is something that will resonate with me

RECOVERY AND CHANGE are for those with open minds and those individuals who have owned that their current process is not working

it reminds me to always be willing to support and encourage others but to not allow my own opinion and feelings to take over and drive things because it will end in disaster

it reminds me that sometimes i need to stay in the passenger seat
i cant always drive

i cant always push
and if you are in a situation where change is not an option or not being explored
that's when you decide what you need or dont need in your life

step back and reflect
   

When the honeymoon is OVER!!!!!

what happens when the cute promises to not eat amazing baked  potatoes without you get tossed aside... or when you find yourself discussing the more gritty side of human life and functions

is that a sign that THE HONEYMOON IS OVER!!!!

I think often in new relationships hearing the term "the honeymoon is over" elicits a certain sadness or maybe a cringe
and i think sometimes it infers a "beginning to an end" type of thought

BUT

I recently thought about it and felt that you can view the honeymoon being over as a GOOD thing

SO what is the HONEYMOON period

its when everyone is nice
no one farts, skips shaving their legs, or ever has unbrushed teeth

during the honeymoon there is no arguing because you agree on EVERYTHING and cheerfully enjoy ALL the same things

*must be a SIGN right* SARCASM

during the EARLY times- you want every moment together ( I will caveat that and say there are plenty of healthy couples that even after many years under the belt still genuinely enjoy spending time with their mate and I think it should be that way)

BUT most people are inseparable they operate as one 
often causing friends and family to say don't you do anything on your own or by yourself 

*sidebar-to people who say that-let people have their happy intense concentrated MIA time-we all know that's just a "PHASE" of the relationship and eventually it balances out*

I think sometimes the honeymoon seems so magical and so SURREAL that when "REALITY" kicks in there is a HUGE let down
there is a sadness 
a feeling like you were sold a bad rainbow
people begin to question who they are with and why they are there

HOWEVER

I would like to challenge that perspective
It's nice to meet the person who is always polished and put together but is it real is it sustainable

I think I want the honeymoon to be over
I want to see you for you
I want to know what your ugly is (and I don't mean some raging alcoholic tendencies or anger issues) 
BUT I want to see how you are when you are not feeling well
I want to see you when you are frustrated so I can know what that's like and I can determine is that a deal breaker

I want to know how you treat the waitress who is having an off day

once the honeymoon phase is over you can get down to the meat and potatoes of your compatibility and chemistry 
and then and only then will you begin to see if that is someone you may want to continue to be around and spend your time with 

we all know you can't get time back
we can call it time wasted , although i might challenge that statement and say it was a long lesson learned

i think the honeymoon being over should be what you look forward to because it means you are taking down the walls and the smoke screens and false images

you are saying you know what i trust you to see me for ME and not for the persona i work to maintain

i say bring on the NEXT part of the relationship
bring on the day to day
bring on the varying seasons
bring on the holidays and birthdays

bring on the ROUTINE

having a routine isn't bad 
we are all creatures of habit
and once we have our habits we are able to function and exist

you need to come back up for air and that's when you can truly begin to swim

i think 25 year old me would be sad when the honeymoon was over and fight to keep it or get it back
32 me says good bye honeymoon and let's get this show started and let's take the walk
let's enjoy the ride and welcome all the new experiences and upcoming adventures


my blog my thoughts
 
 


 

Fight or acquiesce

As a mom of a toddler who is at the "terrible twos/terrific threes" stage everyday i am faced with two roads
fight it out or acquiesce

i used to feel i was going to have my kid walking a straight line and she'd do everything i said
then reality hit

there are so many notions and plans that non parents and new parents have
unfortunately reality is a bit different and a real parent will tell you that

as adults we have a skewed memory of things that occurred and the discipline that was given
im sure i thought my parents were much too harsh and that i barely survived and yet in retrospect
im sure i skirted many more deserved consequences

ask the parent of any toddler if they win every battle and they will laugh at you
its just not possible
doesn't matter what parent you are

toddlers are unpredictable and while you get to know your kid and what works for them and what doesn't
so much is going on and changing in their worlds at that stage that your once perfect submissive kid may just become your testing and pulling your hair out kid

i love my daughter and while there are plenty of times it would be easy to yell at her
every parent knows yelling at a 2/3 year old does NOTHING but escalate a situation

they dont understand it
you are reinforcing a behavior that you scold them for and they don't know the difference
and they are still babies in the grander scheme of things
they are small and impressionable and there is appropriate and not appropriate forms of discipline at this stage that they understand

but the fight or acquiesce also applies to adult lives and our interactions with other adults

what is our approach to every situation
what is our response to conflict
do we fight and if we fight do we fight fair
do we fight past the point we need to
are we so focused on making our point that we lose the war trying to win the battle

or do we make our point and respect differences and move forward

i think it says a lot about ones character how we fight
ive been a part of some ugly fights and the fights i remember the most
the fights that left the biggest scars are the ones where the venom instantly came out

there are some fights that potentially could have been relationship enders but based on the level of mutual respect that was so evident in them
we were able to agree to disagree and move on
its important that neither person feel attacked or without value

arguing is a form of communication
communication is a piece of the puzzle of relationships
its not static
communication is something i think even the best person has to work at

but what are you working at or why are you working at it
and this goes back to my toddler
are you working to keep peace
or are you working to gain power and win

i think when the second is your goal you are losing before you start

im not always perfect at acquiescing but it is something i work at everyday
my brother and i talked yesterday about MY MOUTH and while i had some choice words for him after
it is truly something i am working on

i want to be slow to speak and quick to listen
slow to anger and quick to try to understand

can we all say the same
do we try to understand others viewpoint or is our way the BEST way or the ONLY way

life will present enough obstacles and plenty challenges...
do we really need to add more just in our attitudes and behaviors

just a thought...
 ps-josh how about that!

Monday Hit List & Kiss List

They day is young but these are the things so far that have pissed me off and the things that are making me smile on this Monday!

#1-To the driver of the black Lexus ES who for 2.5 miles drove BELOW the speed limit-you are at the TOP of my hit list. If I had a harpoon I would have harpooned your stupid car and be glad I was in my go kart and not a monster truck because I would have run over your stupid little car....save that type of driving for Sundays or a parade

#2-to ALL of the STUPID Virginia drivers-it's JUST sun-put on your sun glasses and pull down your visor it is not a catastrophic event that precludes you from driving and if driving is THAT difficult for you STAY HOME ...HIT LIST

#3-Kisses to the White grapefruit left in my fridge that I am about to DESTROY here at my desk this morning!!!

#4-BIG KISSES to the fact that I realized on my drive to work today that this is my 4 day work week and NOT 5 so early day Thursday and NO work FRIDAY!!!!

#5-HIT LIST -the driver of the black government van that chose to double park alongside the shuttle van this morning and block the ENTIRE driveway access to the parking garage-YOU get the GOLD star of the DAY you IDIOT!!!!!

#6-I would like to extend honorable mention to the new limited edition MANAGER'S choice donuts at Dunkin Donuts this morning!!! YUM and YUM!!

There are a few other individuals that could make the HOT LIST but I will stop myself now!! After all it is ONLY 8:34am

tis the season..................

well spring is upon us and you know what that means

nope not Easter
not almost summer and beautiful weather

BUT the season of WEDDINGS 

sabrina this rant is for you

little girls grow up dreaming of their fairytale day

society capitalizes on the vision that they have had since the time they get their first boyfriend

the sparkly ring, the white dress, the reception that rivals every other

little girls are pre-wired for HAPPILY EVER AFTER 
or at least everything that leads up to the alter and that day....probably not the day after BUT the day 
oh yes every girl (and let me caveat and say there are probably a small 1% that do not for some reason but the majority DO)

in 2014 I believe my theory is still correct..spend 2 minutes on Pinterest and the site is littered with wedding rings and dresses and shoes and decorations and bridesmaids stuff and stuff and stuff

I am starting to wonder and not because i am a cynic or jaded person who is wife 2.0
and maybe because i am not 22 and starry eyed but 32 with a child and who therefore would not be rocking a white dress

BUT i wonder if weddings NOT MARRIAGE but weddings have become another overly commercialized part of society just like Valentine's Day and Christmas

There used to be and there still is to an extent MEANING behind marriage
it used to be focused on the joining of two lives the cleaving of two families 

it was a celebration 
it was the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL journey

many many many moons ago-weddings were simple-it was just the exchange of two simple bands
now it has morphed into how many CARATS are on your finger

the dresses that were once simple and sometimes even the passing on of a dress from mother to daughter-those days are ancient

With shows such as SAY YES TO THE DRESS the industry has morphed into extravagance versus tasteful and modest

Women will pour thousands and thousands of dollars into a dress and by all means if that is your lifestyle so be it
admittedly my first wedding I went big
most people have the sentiment I am only doing it once
and that is great but sometimes it doesn't pan out that way

there is a designer who's dressed start generally around 25k...wow what message does that send 
if you have the money like that...i mean actually have the money not a mountain of debt then im sure you can justify that but if you are planning some event just to KEEP UP WITH WHOMEVER

why do you feel the need?
is it society?

does anyone have a modest wedding anymore
a wedding is $$$ costly and i understand its a CELEBRATION but my gosh 

i realize its a matter of personal opinion and so many other variables BUT as I watch my other half prepare for her wedding and I said wedding not nuptials i can see from Virginia the mini calculator in her head keeping a tally of what this is really costing

does a expensive wedding equal a better marriage NO
do the guests have a good time..... PROBABLY but not guaranteed
do they sit and wonder how much you spent...usually

at the end of the day are the guests in your marriage NOPE
they may be in the far extended sense of family
but the marriage is between two 
so what are the priorities

is it love and modesty or is it throwing a party no one will ever forget
if you want a party have a party if its about the love and the marriage..small intimate affairs often provide the lasting memories

just my two cents...what do i know anywayz :)