Monday randomness

So today I was trying to maintain my momentum in my writing and as I was thinking of WHAT to write about..

my mind was all over the place...so instead of writing on one topic I thought maybe I would share snippets of my day...thoughts...random ideas...feelings

My day started with aggravation because the dog walker texted this morning to ask if I sent the payment for the week and I was a bit put off because I felt like normally when I left cash...its there when he gets there not paid in advance....so yea that just rubbed me the WRONG way

I pay on time end of discussion


thought 2--work normally is fun and i enjoy the people i work with but recently with the oppression of my boss and her involvement in everything i do short of sneezing...work has become frustrating and a point of stress...and now i have to think about what i can control in this little story and that's myself and so tomorrow hopefully i can talk with my bosses boss and i am going to present the idea of a "6 month rotation" to another office and hopefully by the time that is over my boss has found another job



3rd thought--when is the FALL back??I am anxious for that extra hour...coupled with today being   64 and rainy and boy a nap and a book and blanket would be good

4th-As i am driving from MD back to civilization and the land of the good roads and high taxes randomly a quote from LOVE JONES popped in my head and it couldnt be more appropriate now at 36 with a husband an ex husband and a child...and the line was "All of this people running around here jumping, skipping, falling in love...falling in love ain't shit. Somebody talk to  me PLEASE about how to stay there..

I am not sure where that random memory of that line came from BUT maybe because I may have read a romance novel a time or two and yea there is something about the "falling in love" and no movie no book addresses the STAYING there...so Savon ...I feel you ..I didn't get it at 16 because what did I know but 20 years later...LOVE JONES is so very relevant 

5th- As I was listening to my Itunes library which is an eclectic mix of pretty much every genre of music... A Gary Allen song " Life Aint Always Beautiful" came on...and just a few of the lyrics are...

Life ain't always beautifulSometimes it's just plain hardLife can knock you downIt can break your heart.Life ain't always beautifulYou think you're on your wayAnd it's just a dead end roadAt the end of the day.But the struggles make you strongerAnd the changes make you wiseAnd happiness has it's own wayOf taking it's own sweet time.No, life ain't always beautifulTears will fall sometimesLife ain't always beautifulBut it's a beautiful ride. 

And then the next song on shuffle was Kirk Franklin's --Help Me and so I was sitting snickering to myself thinking about the mood I was in ..and all I could say is I was somewhere between Country and the healing of a good Gospel song...

and for the next 20 minutes my Itunes shuffled between the two genres and for that 58 minute drive home...it was cathartic


Last thought of the day--well maybe second to last thought...

As I was driving through the back roads of MD ..the roads less traveled and untouched by all of the glitch and glam and snobbery of Northern Virginia...i took in the beauty but then i also was worried and unsettled because i was not familiar with the area and the atmosphere

and almost as if my thoughts were heard I saw one of the the NO HATE signs and another sign that said ALL are welcome here and it had hands of every nationality and color...

and while that allowed me to sigh and focus on the last 17 miles of my drive..it also made me sad that in 2018 signs like this are needed and it just reminded me of a time where signs had to be displayed to indicate to MY people that it was okay for us to stop or receive service there

wow 2018 or 1930s ????

Last thought..... oh shoot i forgot it..... lol 

Love's Mosaic

As I drove in to work this morning my mind settled on a bit of a sentimental place..


Everyone who knows me knows that LOVE is the soundtrack to my life...


As I rested on that idea for a minute I really started to think about ALL the ways that LOVE is in my life


The first thought was about my child....my Jordan...man how my heart melts and expands for this little girl


Her smile, her affection, her empathy and capacity to feel for others astonishes me


I fall more and more in love with her EVERY DAY.....


Having a child has taught me to be selfless and sacrificial and to really comprehend what it means to put someone else and their happiness first...




Then comes my Mom......I grew up in a pretty dang great house..my parents demonstrated positive love and a positive healthy marriage..one that for so long I have searched for and tried to emulate (quite unsuccessfully---although I have learned I have to pave my own road and path)


But my Mom was nurturing and kind and she poured in to me and she made me feel special everyday


and now as a woman and a mother myself..my love for her runs SO incredibly deep... to recognize and understand her sacrifice and choices she made ... to say I could ever repay her is an understatement


and of course in no order...my Dad...the man who loved me first...the man who showed me how a princess should be treated...a man who loved me and loves me and tells me every day...


my parents are amazing but Jordan's GRANDPARENTS are something indescribable


to watch them love a part of me...to watch their relationship grow..to see the smile when E-Gi and Grampy are mentioned or are visiting


again it just makes me heart swell


another kind of love that renders me speechless is Josh & Jord...


to watch these two... arghhh I am a fan


my love for my brother is immeasurable but to see him with my child who is SO much like him and who LOVES being affectionately referred to as his "twin"

If seeing my brother with Jordan is any indication of the type of father he will be someday his kids are going to be so blessed

My husband... that's a love that I am still learning...learning to accept that someone loves me the way they know how and in their capacity and while it may not be what I sometimes expect or think that doesnt mean they do not love me unconditionally

I am learning that love does require effort although I think with and for love it should never feel like EFFORT ..

I think when you truly love someone and you put their happiness and their feelings above your own..it feels dare I say NATURAL

which leads me to another INCREDIBLY important and forever love in my life..Kellee Ann...

Our relationship has taught me that love spans time and zip codes and kids and husbands and when its strong nothing can change it

Our love taught me that I can be 100% me in the safest relationship with no judgment and always honest..

This relationship is one of my most sacred... Its like that of my family has been lifelong and she breathes life and friendship, trust and everything in between and above and beyond

When I think about the types of LOVE and all those that LOVE me I am just full

I think of Ray-my ex husband -my child's father and that relationship..unconventional love for SURE

This is a love that proves that while titles may change and society may object to our definition of love and FAMILY we can choose to forge our own path

One where the focus of LOVE is the beacon and our mutual LOVE of OUR daughter is the start and end of everything we do

I think of my in-laws and the way they not only embraced me but the way they have loved on and embraced my child as if she is theirs

I know everyone does not always have this level and constant stream of love from so many aspects and so many avenues..

but just imagine if they did....

It's been a LONG time..

Last night and this morning I found myself feeling overwhelmed and frustrated....


Frustrated from reading all the negative comments regarding Nike's decision to back and support Colin Kapernick...


Frustrated to read what was nothing more than not so subtle hate.. I read the comments that people who want to constantly twist a man's respectful and peaceful protest and make it something that it is not.


I hear the arguments of people who feel Colin is ruining the game or football is not the platform to use your voice or you need to just play...


What I do not hear is any of these people trying to understand..and honestly all of these "people" who feel this way are NEVER going to EVER be in the position of the people that Colin is protesting for.


Racial equality for some people seems insignificant unless you are in the race that is the minority.


When I read the comments about Colin, when I hear the comments made by the buffoon of a president, it feels like we are rolling back the time and reverting to a point in history when racism was far less subtle than we had gotten of late.


When I read the comments, I feel like we are two steps away from having separate schools, separate water fountains and guess what interracial marriages like my own being made illegal.


That divisive thought, that inability to show empathy and understand where Colin is coming from is the same thought that continues to allow the racists and hate to fester and grow...because the majority is unwilling to hear the minority and understand that the experience of the majority is not the experience of ALL.


I love the people who try to use images such as Pat Tillman to say that's a man who truly sacrificed everything and try to use him as propaganda in their twisted game and YET his widow and his family ..you know the ones that knew him and love him have said he would have supported Colin taking a knee for racial injustice and would have been right along with him.  I love that people choose to not hear and acknowledge that Colin went and spoke with Vets who do support him and he takes a knee because they told him that kneeling is a sign of respect.....


But NO-people's hate continues...


People argue football is not an okay platform...Anyone who has been given a platform was given it for a reason and just because they are using it to further a cause that makes you uncomfortable doesn't make them wrong or you right.  Using your platform is no different than having a retired player at an event to draw a crowd or having celebs make appearances to increase ticket sales


people have been using their platform FOREVER and will continue


Why are folks more in an uproar about their football than they are about police brutality and school shootings...


I love that folks want to boycott Nike now...well guess what genius people...the NFL just signed a contract with NIKE that goes to 2028....


Guess who is laughing now...Oh wait did I say it...the NFL..the same NFL that Colin used to play for and people don't want him to kneel at an event...well yup they are partnering so you can boycott your Nike but are you also going to boycott watching Football...


and if you do....SO what!!!


As a black person this is just hurtful ..it hurts and it makes me wonder ..WHAT NEXT!!!!


Do I feel better after my rant?


Nope not really!


Racism is the wound that doesn't heal and it keeps getting bumped and bleeding again


Racism for some can be ignored


Racism for others is a fact of life


I think about when I have a biracial child...how the world will see him/her...how will they see themselves


I can't fix this but this is a topic close to my heart....so I will just pray that the power of love continues to be stronger than the power of hate...