Dedicated to my favorite girl....Kellee Sabrina formerly SMITH

I know I am the biased best friend/sister

but

today I was able to witness my best friend marry her most perfect mate

I have known Kellee for 30+ years and we are more sisters than anything else

she is my sister because she chooses to be not because of blood that runs through us

today as i sat in the church i was able to sit from afar and watch my amazingly beautiful best friend

kellee looked nothing short of stunning

i am not a crier , well not at weddings but i found myself misty eyed the whole time and just in awe at her dress and the glow that radiated from her

i know that's my bestie and of course i think she is perfect every other day but today was different

as i watched her with her now husband, you could see the love rolling off the both of them

i knew that they are truly meant to be

he has loved my best friend for over 10 years and that type of love is so uncommon so rare

and yet today i witnessed a couple who have grown up and grown together

i witnessed a man who has ADORED and cherish MY Kellee from the day he met her

DN has always said he would marry Kellee and today he made good on his word


i normally am excited for weddings for the pretty dress and the cake at the reception

but today on 4/26 it was SO very different

this wedding meant so much MORE to me
it was personal
i sat there and really was beyond HAPPY for my other half

i am so happy that she is with her perfect man
and as they walked down the aisle and DN picked up their beautiful daughter

it was like looking at the most complete
most happy family

and for that i was awed and for that i was overjoyed

so to my other half and now her other half
i wish you all the joy and smiles and happiness and all the goodness that life and love has to offer

today watching you Kellee and DN I was reminded of love and how love is always worth it
Love is worth being there everyday

Love is worth taking the time
love is worth putting in the work

how many of us have that love
how many of us are sticking in it through and through

anyhow to my beautiful Kellee-I LOVE YOU!!!

Peeps, Frilly dresses and HoneyBaked Ham

I interrupt your full bellies and thoughts of dessert with a Sunday Easter yet non Easter-y blog

Coping mechanisms

we all survive and thrive and get over setbacks and difficulties in our own ways

often we learn to cope and deal in ways that are not what most would define as HEALTHY

but we cope nevertheless

some people throw themselves into a sport or a new found hobby

that may seem healthy and it can be when there is balance but if it becomes a crutch then ultimately it can become detrimental

coping and self preservation go hand in hand
at the end of the day we have to take care of self first and foremost

but what is the best way to do it

i had an epiphany today about myself and then i had an ah hah moment

i realized that i have a fear of failure more specifically fear of failure in my relationships

from past bad experiences..i have established an unhealthy self preservation and that is dooming a relationship or expecting the worst at the first sign of conflict

we all know conflict is inevitable and its normal and its in dealing with conflict that defines us and our relationship

i have become so accustomed to conflict being the beginning of the end that i honestly forgot HOW TO WORK THROUGH things or not HOW to work through it but how to NOT overstress during conflict

it sounds simple
and maybe it is
or maybe its not

sometimes its having that security blanket or that trust to know that every disagreement is not the end

maybe the underlying issue is finding security and trust in another person
someone who is not your blood and semi obligated to stick around and work through it

maybe it is the extremely high divorce statistic that i admittedly am a part of
once the rose colored glasses are off and on the ground stomped into two million pieces (how was that for DRAMATIC)
but how do you regain a semblance of trust again

im sure some would say give it time
but i actually wonder if time is not your friend in this instance

i think sometimes too much time can be detrimental
the more time people spend alone and by themselves operating as a one person unit
the harder it is for them to acclimate to a TEAM environment

i have witnessed lots of bachelors and bachelorette's that after so long just become so set in their ways and THEIR WAYS that they lose the necessary element of compromise and understanding that is a definite requirement for a successful relationship

it can't always be one way or the other
that leads to down the road regret

compromise should be given willingly because you know the other person would do the same for you
and your goal should never be to always be the coach sometimes just be player

somehow or as usual i have digressed from my topic
but in my own self reflection and remixing
i realized i need to work on giving trust and letting go of some of my control

if i never let go and allow life to happen and unfold organically
not only will i stress myself but part of the beauty of life is watching the garden bloom and seeing the fruits of your labor

being a good person
having a kind heart
being patient
giving more than you take
speaking kind words
possessing understanding and the ability to just listen

i think there are certain elements that good people all possess
one of my favorite movies has a quote where the character says they want a clause a safety money back guarantee so that they know that they know that they know

and i get that feeds back to my unmoved romanticism (thanks Dad for that)
but i understood the point she was trying to make and wouldnt that be nice

anyhow
happy EASTER

UNTITLED>>>>>>>>>

it's monday.....the start of a new week
a day that signifies a do over and a fresh start

today's topic admittedly was solicited BUT it was poignant and allowed me to do some introspective thinking

"what have you gained and what have you lost by taking a risk"?

or "what can you gain or lose by taking a risk"


we all live our lives through our own soundtracks and ideals

some people prefer a slow steady tempo while others like to explore the shuffle option on the play deck

life can be full of beautiful surprises ...but how is that best achieved...what is the formula

do you experience all life has to offer and all the beauty of love and smiles and laughter when you play it safe or do you have the most life altering and memorable moments by stepping outside your comfort zone and taking a chance...taking that leap of faith

i can say from personal experience and personal loss that it becomes very daunting and almost crippling to take a risks at times especially after being hurt

you want to recoil and stay in your safe little world
its hard to let go of the hurt and disappointment that you have experienced

you tell yourself things like NEVER AGAIN
and it's just not worth it

some may call this being smart
others would disagree and call you a COWARD

so here we go
and i may sound a bit hypocritical because im still a work in progress and i still struggle with holding back and not letting myself really soar and be unencumbered by my fears of failure or fears of repeated wrong choices

part of that is being human but part is choosing how you want to live the rest of your life
do you want to remind yourself everyday of what has not gone right
or do you want to look forward to what can be and what can be great

do you want to sail new seas and experience new heights or do you want to just cruise at a low altitude

when you are in the midst sometimes you can't see the sun breaking through because of all the dew but do you stand there and wait on the dew to past or do you keep walking forward and catch the sunrise

often times i jump head first into things and i know people say its not smart
i realize everyone has an opinion
did you think it out
are you sure
why dont you give it time
why dont you
why dont you

calculated is fine for some things
but for others i think if you are always sitting on the sidelines waiting for the "perfect" chance, the "perfect"moment you will spend your whole life waiting

i looked for the perfect relationship in the past...i know now perfection doesn't exist
its a state of mind
its a balance of all the right things and important things to you rolled up in one where they outweigh the not so perfect things

taking a leap of faith sounds so easy
but you have to have some elements present
you need trust and sometimes in order to have trust you need assurance

people make promises all the time
promises are broken all the time
so making that leap of faith requires the ability to jump in..all the way in...without holding back without holding on

how do you do that
i dont have that answer...still figuring it out myself

but i think it goes a little something like this
the past is the past
learn from it
but leave it there
dont let your past define you
let it teach you
let it make you stronger
let it show you what you want or dont want

let your past not follow you or loom around
your past is not your present and its not your future

all easier said than done
but how often and for how long will we punish ourselves for our past
how long will we live according to what happened 2, 3, 5, 10 years ago 

i know im guilty of it
i know i need to change
i want to unpack and leave the heavy trunk behind and carry only the valuable lessons i need with me

life is worth living and living fully
having regrets
thats unhealthy and destructive
we can all list our regrets from now until Sunday
but does it solve anything

everything happens for a reason
timing is always when it is meant to happen not when we want it
do i have regrets...i have some "i wish i'd made a better choice or a different choice"

but even out of my most undesirable choices...there generally was a beautiful surprise....................





 

Recovery is for those that WANT it , not those that NEED it

I took an early day to clear my mind and rest and recover from a nice headache

part of my agenda was to catch up on tv

so first up and the only one I watched was my favorite Chicago Fire

There was a quote that I heard and it prompted me to want to write about it because it very much brings a situation close to me full circle

"Recovery is for those that want it, not those that need it"

The character said it and I laughed sooooo here goes

often in life we can see the error of others ways

we can see how they can change or how they overcome their hurdle, obstacles, battles, or demons

and let me interject here real quick to say MOM this is NOT about you!!!

i think it is always easy to make an assessment of someone and their situation from our seat and our shoes

but this quote says it is and that it is not about someone needing help..i think that is half the battle but it is about someone hitting rock bottom and acknowledging and owning that they need help and they need to change

i think the simplest way to think about this is through the role of parent and child

a parent always wants the best for their child they want to see them successful and happy and with more sunny days than dreary

no parent wants to see their child struggle unnecessarily but at some point they have to let their child learn the hard lesson

this quote was used in a addiction scenario on the show and it most certainly applies

there are people in our lives with habits we wish they would modify whether drinking or poor spending habits
but ultimately what we want for them is just that WHAT WE WANT
and the only life we have control over is our own

marriages most often will face some hills and valleys just like any relationship
they can be fixed and mended and a greater bond can be forged

but it is all about the attitude

being in it to win it no matter what
no matter the argument no matter the hurt feelings of the moment

but to tie this back in and come back in from my tangent

recovery and i will use the word change here as a synonym
but change comes when someone wants it not because they need it
change occurs from within and not always from outside influence

that quote is something that will resonate with me

RECOVERY AND CHANGE are for those with open minds and those individuals who have owned that their current process is not working

it reminds me to always be willing to support and encourage others but to not allow my own opinion and feelings to take over and drive things because it will end in disaster

it reminds me that sometimes i need to stay in the passenger seat
i cant always drive

i cant always push
and if you are in a situation where change is not an option or not being explored
that's when you decide what you need or dont need in your life

step back and reflect
   

When the honeymoon is OVER!!!!!

what happens when the cute promises to not eat amazing baked  potatoes without you get tossed aside... or when you find yourself discussing the more gritty side of human life and functions

is that a sign that THE HONEYMOON IS OVER!!!!

I think often in new relationships hearing the term "the honeymoon is over" elicits a certain sadness or maybe a cringe
and i think sometimes it infers a "beginning to an end" type of thought

BUT

I recently thought about it and felt that you can view the honeymoon being over as a GOOD thing

SO what is the HONEYMOON period

its when everyone is nice
no one farts, skips shaving their legs, or ever has unbrushed teeth

during the honeymoon there is no arguing because you agree on EVERYTHING and cheerfully enjoy ALL the same things

*must be a SIGN right* SARCASM

during the EARLY times- you want every moment together ( I will caveat that and say there are plenty of healthy couples that even after many years under the belt still genuinely enjoy spending time with their mate and I think it should be that way)

BUT most people are inseparable they operate as one 
often causing friends and family to say don't you do anything on your own or by yourself 

*sidebar-to people who say that-let people have their happy intense concentrated MIA time-we all know that's just a "PHASE" of the relationship and eventually it balances out*

I think sometimes the honeymoon seems so magical and so SURREAL that when "REALITY" kicks in there is a HUGE let down
there is a sadness 
a feeling like you were sold a bad rainbow
people begin to question who they are with and why they are there

HOWEVER

I would like to challenge that perspective
It's nice to meet the person who is always polished and put together but is it real is it sustainable

I think I want the honeymoon to be over
I want to see you for you
I want to know what your ugly is (and I don't mean some raging alcoholic tendencies or anger issues) 
BUT I want to see how you are when you are not feeling well
I want to see you when you are frustrated so I can know what that's like and I can determine is that a deal breaker

I want to know how you treat the waitress who is having an off day

once the honeymoon phase is over you can get down to the meat and potatoes of your compatibility and chemistry 
and then and only then will you begin to see if that is someone you may want to continue to be around and spend your time with 

we all know you can't get time back
we can call it time wasted , although i might challenge that statement and say it was a long lesson learned

i think the honeymoon being over should be what you look forward to because it means you are taking down the walls and the smoke screens and false images

you are saying you know what i trust you to see me for ME and not for the persona i work to maintain

i say bring on the NEXT part of the relationship
bring on the day to day
bring on the varying seasons
bring on the holidays and birthdays

bring on the ROUTINE

having a routine isn't bad 
we are all creatures of habit
and once we have our habits we are able to function and exist

you need to come back up for air and that's when you can truly begin to swim

i think 25 year old me would be sad when the honeymoon was over and fight to keep it or get it back
32 me says good bye honeymoon and let's get this show started and let's take the walk
let's enjoy the ride and welcome all the new experiences and upcoming adventures


my blog my thoughts
 
 


 

Fight or acquiesce

As a mom of a toddler who is at the "terrible twos/terrific threes" stage everyday i am faced with two roads
fight it out or acquiesce

i used to feel i was going to have my kid walking a straight line and she'd do everything i said
then reality hit

there are so many notions and plans that non parents and new parents have
unfortunately reality is a bit different and a real parent will tell you that

as adults we have a skewed memory of things that occurred and the discipline that was given
im sure i thought my parents were much too harsh and that i barely survived and yet in retrospect
im sure i skirted many more deserved consequences

ask the parent of any toddler if they win every battle and they will laugh at you
its just not possible
doesn't matter what parent you are

toddlers are unpredictable and while you get to know your kid and what works for them and what doesn't
so much is going on and changing in their worlds at that stage that your once perfect submissive kid may just become your testing and pulling your hair out kid

i love my daughter and while there are plenty of times it would be easy to yell at her
every parent knows yelling at a 2/3 year old does NOTHING but escalate a situation

they dont understand it
you are reinforcing a behavior that you scold them for and they don't know the difference
and they are still babies in the grander scheme of things
they are small and impressionable and there is appropriate and not appropriate forms of discipline at this stage that they understand

but the fight or acquiesce also applies to adult lives and our interactions with other adults

what is our approach to every situation
what is our response to conflict
do we fight and if we fight do we fight fair
do we fight past the point we need to
are we so focused on making our point that we lose the war trying to win the battle

or do we make our point and respect differences and move forward

i think it says a lot about ones character how we fight
ive been a part of some ugly fights and the fights i remember the most
the fights that left the biggest scars are the ones where the venom instantly came out

there are some fights that potentially could have been relationship enders but based on the level of mutual respect that was so evident in them
we were able to agree to disagree and move on
its important that neither person feel attacked or without value

arguing is a form of communication
communication is a piece of the puzzle of relationships
its not static
communication is something i think even the best person has to work at

but what are you working at or why are you working at it
and this goes back to my toddler
are you working to keep peace
or are you working to gain power and win

i think when the second is your goal you are losing before you start

im not always perfect at acquiescing but it is something i work at everyday
my brother and i talked yesterday about MY MOUTH and while i had some choice words for him after
it is truly something i am working on

i want to be slow to speak and quick to listen
slow to anger and quick to try to understand

can we all say the same
do we try to understand others viewpoint or is our way the BEST way or the ONLY way

life will present enough obstacles and plenty challenges...
do we really need to add more just in our attitudes and behaviors

just a thought...
 ps-josh how about that!