When the honeymoon is OVER!!!!!

what happens when the cute promises to not eat amazing baked  potatoes without you get tossed aside... or when you find yourself discussing the more gritty side of human life and functions

is that a sign that THE HONEYMOON IS OVER!!!!

I think often in new relationships hearing the term "the honeymoon is over" elicits a certain sadness or maybe a cringe
and i think sometimes it infers a "beginning to an end" type of thought

BUT

I recently thought about it and felt that you can view the honeymoon being over as a GOOD thing

SO what is the HONEYMOON period

its when everyone is nice
no one farts, skips shaving their legs, or ever has unbrushed teeth

during the honeymoon there is no arguing because you agree on EVERYTHING and cheerfully enjoy ALL the same things

*must be a SIGN right* SARCASM

during the EARLY times- you want every moment together ( I will caveat that and say there are plenty of healthy couples that even after many years under the belt still genuinely enjoy spending time with their mate and I think it should be that way)

BUT most people are inseparable they operate as one 
often causing friends and family to say don't you do anything on your own or by yourself 

*sidebar-to people who say that-let people have their happy intense concentrated MIA time-we all know that's just a "PHASE" of the relationship and eventually it balances out*

I think sometimes the honeymoon seems so magical and so SURREAL that when "REALITY" kicks in there is a HUGE let down
there is a sadness 
a feeling like you were sold a bad rainbow
people begin to question who they are with and why they are there

HOWEVER

I would like to challenge that perspective
It's nice to meet the person who is always polished and put together but is it real is it sustainable

I think I want the honeymoon to be over
I want to see you for you
I want to know what your ugly is (and I don't mean some raging alcoholic tendencies or anger issues) 
BUT I want to see how you are when you are not feeling well
I want to see you when you are frustrated so I can know what that's like and I can determine is that a deal breaker

I want to know how you treat the waitress who is having an off day

once the honeymoon phase is over you can get down to the meat and potatoes of your compatibility and chemistry 
and then and only then will you begin to see if that is someone you may want to continue to be around and spend your time with 

we all know you can't get time back
we can call it time wasted , although i might challenge that statement and say it was a long lesson learned

i think the honeymoon being over should be what you look forward to because it means you are taking down the walls and the smoke screens and false images

you are saying you know what i trust you to see me for ME and not for the persona i work to maintain

i say bring on the NEXT part of the relationship
bring on the day to day
bring on the varying seasons
bring on the holidays and birthdays

bring on the ROUTINE

having a routine isn't bad 
we are all creatures of habit
and once we have our habits we are able to function and exist

you need to come back up for air and that's when you can truly begin to swim

i think 25 year old me would be sad when the honeymoon was over and fight to keep it or get it back
32 me says good bye honeymoon and let's get this show started and let's take the walk
let's enjoy the ride and welcome all the new experiences and upcoming adventures


my blog my thoughts
 
 


 

Fight or acquiesce

As a mom of a toddler who is at the "terrible twos/terrific threes" stage everyday i am faced with two roads
fight it out or acquiesce

i used to feel i was going to have my kid walking a straight line and she'd do everything i said
then reality hit

there are so many notions and plans that non parents and new parents have
unfortunately reality is a bit different and a real parent will tell you that

as adults we have a skewed memory of things that occurred and the discipline that was given
im sure i thought my parents were much too harsh and that i barely survived and yet in retrospect
im sure i skirted many more deserved consequences

ask the parent of any toddler if they win every battle and they will laugh at you
its just not possible
doesn't matter what parent you are

toddlers are unpredictable and while you get to know your kid and what works for them and what doesn't
so much is going on and changing in their worlds at that stage that your once perfect submissive kid may just become your testing and pulling your hair out kid

i love my daughter and while there are plenty of times it would be easy to yell at her
every parent knows yelling at a 2/3 year old does NOTHING but escalate a situation

they dont understand it
you are reinforcing a behavior that you scold them for and they don't know the difference
and they are still babies in the grander scheme of things
they are small and impressionable and there is appropriate and not appropriate forms of discipline at this stage that they understand

but the fight or acquiesce also applies to adult lives and our interactions with other adults

what is our approach to every situation
what is our response to conflict
do we fight and if we fight do we fight fair
do we fight past the point we need to
are we so focused on making our point that we lose the war trying to win the battle

or do we make our point and respect differences and move forward

i think it says a lot about ones character how we fight
ive been a part of some ugly fights and the fights i remember the most
the fights that left the biggest scars are the ones where the venom instantly came out

there are some fights that potentially could have been relationship enders but based on the level of mutual respect that was so evident in them
we were able to agree to disagree and move on
its important that neither person feel attacked or without value

arguing is a form of communication
communication is a piece of the puzzle of relationships
its not static
communication is something i think even the best person has to work at

but what are you working at or why are you working at it
and this goes back to my toddler
are you working to keep peace
or are you working to gain power and win

i think when the second is your goal you are losing before you start

im not always perfect at acquiescing but it is something i work at everyday
my brother and i talked yesterday about MY MOUTH and while i had some choice words for him after
it is truly something i am working on

i want to be slow to speak and quick to listen
slow to anger and quick to try to understand

can we all say the same
do we try to understand others viewpoint or is our way the BEST way or the ONLY way

life will present enough obstacles and plenty challenges...
do we really need to add more just in our attitudes and behaviors

just a thought...
 ps-josh how about that!

Monday Hit List & Kiss List

They day is young but these are the things so far that have pissed me off and the things that are making me smile on this Monday!

#1-To the driver of the black Lexus ES who for 2.5 miles drove BELOW the speed limit-you are at the TOP of my hit list. If I had a harpoon I would have harpooned your stupid car and be glad I was in my go kart and not a monster truck because I would have run over your stupid little car....save that type of driving for Sundays or a parade

#2-to ALL of the STUPID Virginia drivers-it's JUST sun-put on your sun glasses and pull down your visor it is not a catastrophic event that precludes you from driving and if driving is THAT difficult for you STAY HOME ...HIT LIST

#3-Kisses to the White grapefruit left in my fridge that I am about to DESTROY here at my desk this morning!!!

#4-BIG KISSES to the fact that I realized on my drive to work today that this is my 4 day work week and NOT 5 so early day Thursday and NO work FRIDAY!!!!

#5-HIT LIST -the driver of the black government van that chose to double park alongside the shuttle van this morning and block the ENTIRE driveway access to the parking garage-YOU get the GOLD star of the DAY you IDIOT!!!!!

#6-I would like to extend honorable mention to the new limited edition MANAGER'S choice donuts at Dunkin Donuts this morning!!! YUM and YUM!!

There are a few other individuals that could make the HOT LIST but I will stop myself now!! After all it is ONLY 8:34am

tis the season..................

well spring is upon us and you know what that means

nope not Easter
not almost summer and beautiful weather

BUT the season of WEDDINGS 

sabrina this rant is for you

little girls grow up dreaming of their fairytale day

society capitalizes on the vision that they have had since the time they get their first boyfriend

the sparkly ring, the white dress, the reception that rivals every other

little girls are pre-wired for HAPPILY EVER AFTER 
or at least everything that leads up to the alter and that day....probably not the day after BUT the day 
oh yes every girl (and let me caveat and say there are probably a small 1% that do not for some reason but the majority DO)

in 2014 I believe my theory is still correct..spend 2 minutes on Pinterest and the site is littered with wedding rings and dresses and shoes and decorations and bridesmaids stuff and stuff and stuff

I am starting to wonder and not because i am a cynic or jaded person who is wife 2.0
and maybe because i am not 22 and starry eyed but 32 with a child and who therefore would not be rocking a white dress

BUT i wonder if weddings NOT MARRIAGE but weddings have become another overly commercialized part of society just like Valentine's Day and Christmas

There used to be and there still is to an extent MEANING behind marriage
it used to be focused on the joining of two lives the cleaving of two families 

it was a celebration 
it was the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL journey

many many many moons ago-weddings were simple-it was just the exchange of two simple bands
now it has morphed into how many CARATS are on your finger

the dresses that were once simple and sometimes even the passing on of a dress from mother to daughter-those days are ancient

With shows such as SAY YES TO THE DRESS the industry has morphed into extravagance versus tasteful and modest

Women will pour thousands and thousands of dollars into a dress and by all means if that is your lifestyle so be it
admittedly my first wedding I went big
most people have the sentiment I am only doing it once
and that is great but sometimes it doesn't pan out that way

there is a designer who's dressed start generally around 25k...wow what message does that send 
if you have the money like that...i mean actually have the money not a mountain of debt then im sure you can justify that but if you are planning some event just to KEEP UP WITH WHOMEVER

why do you feel the need?
is it society?

does anyone have a modest wedding anymore
a wedding is $$$ costly and i understand its a CELEBRATION but my gosh 

i realize its a matter of personal opinion and so many other variables BUT as I watch my other half prepare for her wedding and I said wedding not nuptials i can see from Virginia the mini calculator in her head keeping a tally of what this is really costing

does a expensive wedding equal a better marriage NO
do the guests have a good time..... PROBABLY but not guaranteed
do they sit and wonder how much you spent...usually

at the end of the day are the guests in your marriage NOPE
they may be in the far extended sense of family
but the marriage is between two 
so what are the priorities

is it love and modesty or is it throwing a party no one will ever forget
if you want a party have a party if its about the love and the marriage..small intimate affairs often provide the lasting memories

just my two cents...what do i know anywayz :)



 

Honesty..criticism.. what is our REAL motive!

 

"Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots." 

 

– Frank A. Clark  

 

 

I saw this quote in my email today and it got me to thinkin'...............

 

 

When we critic someone what is our motivation....are we giving critic because it was solicited? i think feedback is often received VERY differently when it was requested versus forced upon us

 

everyone would like to think they are honest and that they give others feedback simply to help but if that is really true then why are we offended when sometimes feedback is not well received or maybe not followed to the letter

 

does it play into our own personal selfish belief that WE are better planners and executors of someone else's life

do we feel that from our bird's eye view we can see more clearly and therefore are better able to offer advice

 

do we feel that because we have had a similar experience that somehow that qualifies us to say HEY I see what you are doing and I think should refrain or I don't think it's a good idea

 

often times i seek feedback and opinions of others and i was asked recently why i do so and how much weight do i give to these other opinions

 

i have been reminded lately that it is my face i have to look and love in the mirror and i need to act accordingly

 

as one of my closest of close people has said and that is clearly the mantra of 2014.."It's not about YOU"

 

I think people need to think about that when giving advice and even when receiving it

 

when giving it-you give your advice and let it go- ask yourself WHY are you telling this person said advice

 

and on the other end when someone gives you advice do not always take it personal or as a personal attack

people share and do things based on their own personal filters and it may have nothing to do with YOU at all but just how they perceive something

 

i am AMAZED at how often and how many people internalize someone's life and life issues and make them their own

 

it's nice to care-it's nice to be there to offer support but if it's not YOUR life-YOUR life the reflection you see in the mirror it's not about you

 

i see countless facebook rants where people put on the coat of anger for someone and don't get me wrong empathy is not a lost emotion BUT keep it in perspective

 

i see numerous girls who notice that their girl is mad and they absorb that emotion and then too are mad about something that has NOTHING to do with them

yes it is not fun to see a friend hurting BUT sometimes just lend your support

unbiased quiet support let your friend steer the ship 

 

are we honest with our friend about their bf/gf because we are jealous because we are single

are we honest because we dont REALLY want to see them happy

are we unsupportive of people because we want their happiness to LOOK a certain way

Do we want someone else's happiness to look like OURS

 

do we feel OURS is better or the best way

 

what works for YOU works for YOU

what will work for me will work for me

 

if we were all the same if we all had the same needs wants and desires oh what a cookie cutter world that would be...mmmm speaking of cookies ....

 

But back to my point-that quote that I read made me think and going forth when I give someone feedback I want to ensure it's something positive something that empowers someone and gives them food for thought not leaves them feeling dejected or less than 

 

i prefer to help not hurt

i am a lover

i would like to put a smile on a face 

not a tear on a cheek

i want someone to come back to me for more advice not shun and shy away from ever talking to me

 

words are one of the most powerful tools we have as people

we can use them to build or we can use them to DESTROY

 

how will you use your words

do people think of you as someone who is honest and fair or someone who makes you winch because of the magnitude and sharpness of your words??

 

just think about that today

use your words wisely

you never know what someone is going through and 

do you really want to be the straw that breaks the camels back?????????????????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

An ode to Josh

Today's blog is dedicated to my evil other half
to the one who always challenges me and accepts nothing less than my best

this blog goes out to the biggest rock star bar crawling man i know...Uncle Josh!!!

i have a snow day today so me and my mini me are in and of course when given the option of what do you want to watch she picked her Uncle Josh's FAVORITE movie and i say that with EXTREME sarcasm dipped in a lot of YEA RIGHT and that would be Curious George-Christmas Monkey

for anyone who has not seen this...the movie is cute and if you see it once you are probably happy BUT I think Christmas 2013 Jordan may have charmed her way into watching it with uncle j about 20 times too many

what i love about my brother most is seeing him with my child
he's not a parent but to see his excitement and love for my little one is priceless

the best part about josh and jordan is that she is SO much like HIM
i dont know if that scares him further into bachelorhood  BUT either way he can't deny when he does have a kid he could potentially be seeing a preview right now

she makes the face of uncle josh
the very serious i dont believe you or the use that line on someone else

she is STUBBORN as only i have seen in josh
my child is very smart and witty and these traits while sure found in me are VERY dominant in my brother

i love being in public with the two of them and people assume thats his daughter
the resemblance is STRONG

so while jordan and her strong will are from Josh she is all mommy when it comes to her loving personality and her love to cuddle and be cuddled

one of my happiest mommy moments was a few weeks ago and uncle josh jordan and i were at chik fil a and of course she wanted to go in the play area and my dear brother was such a sport-he pulled his shoes off and climbed all throughout the tunnels with his niece
to say it was a sweet moment is not doing it justice

i love my brother we often refer to each other as twins but to see him with my child who is like the 3rd amigo in our gang of 2
I LOVE it
from him teaching her to say Salud to tirelessly running back and forth at his place until they were both out of breath
sooo to uncle josh we LOVE you and thank you for being an exceptional uncle

Seeing the GRACE that exists in chaos

It's been awhile ...you know life etc
However I was struck today by the topic that was in my Daily Love Blog...and the idea was seeing the grace that exists in chaos and seeing the lesson that exists in the crisis

So often in life we become so focused on all the things that are NOT going right or the obstacles we face and trust me I am right there with you

sometimes i feel like i am so easily overwhelmed and focused on trying to "figure it out" and get myself OUT of the situation that I am in that maybe I am missing THE LESSON

I think it also depends on how you look at life

As someone who believes in God, I know things happen for a reason, and I think out of every experience GOOD or BAD we are meant to learn something we are meant to grow and change

I feel that when life is overwhelming and it seems like we can't catch a break maybe one lesson is to slow down , take a minute to breathe, and maybe it's time to reevaluate or maybe its time to re-prioritize and ask yourself
what can i change
what can't i change
out of this situation

i think when life throws us curves and trust me i am not sitting from a rosy perfect seat as i say this
but when i look back at very bad experience every HARD life lesson or time when i thought WHY ME
the after the light at the end of the tunnel..the end result is always a beautiful surpise
there have been people who have come into my life who i just KNEW were destined to say forever and then for whatever reason they left and sometimes i have to stop and not focus on them leaving or closing that chapter but think was that person only there for a season to teach me something or because that is what i needed at that time and where am i now

i think that's the best way to look at it..via relationships
sometimes when a relationship is ended we feel many emotions
turmoil, chaos, anger, hurt, resentment but in order for a new door to open and a new chapter to be written you have to close the old door and turn the page

easier said then done but think about it...chapter 2 is always better than chapter 1 and if not chapter 2 then chapter 3 is AMAZING

i can look at some of my recent experiences and say woo is me and question why but i look at the beauty of who is in my life i look at the beauty of relationships i have and i think
things aren't so bad
perfection never exists and never WILL exist
but getting to that sweet spot where you stop focusing on what's not going right and focus on what IS and what is GOOD in your life and it puts it in perspective

so maybe the lesson is that when you are in crisis or chaos to stop and see the grace ...stop and think about what IS good in your life and allow that to be your compass in getting through the rocky waters until things are smooth
and look back on trials as something that makes you stronger
something that makes you a better person
a better human
a kinder human
a more compassionate human
a better lover
a better friend
a better listener
maybe you learned more patience more understanding

whatever it is you learn
whatever it is that changes you
chaos and troubles and obstacles are inevitable but how we handle it
how we find our peace
how we rediscover our calm

that's the point of it all