Monday randomness

So today I was trying to maintain my momentum in my writing and as I was thinking of WHAT to write about..

my mind was all over the place...so instead of writing on one topic I thought maybe I would share snippets of my day...thoughts...random ideas...feelings

My day started with aggravation because the dog walker texted this morning to ask if I sent the payment for the week and I was a bit put off because I felt like normally when I left cash...its there when he gets there not paid in advance....so yea that just rubbed me the WRONG way

I pay on time end of discussion


thought 2--work normally is fun and i enjoy the people i work with but recently with the oppression of my boss and her involvement in everything i do short of sneezing...work has become frustrating and a point of stress...and now i have to think about what i can control in this little story and that's myself and so tomorrow hopefully i can talk with my bosses boss and i am going to present the idea of a "6 month rotation" to another office and hopefully by the time that is over my boss has found another job



3rd thought--when is the FALL back??I am anxious for that extra hour...coupled with today being   64 and rainy and boy a nap and a book and blanket would be good

4th-As i am driving from MD back to civilization and the land of the good roads and high taxes randomly a quote from LOVE JONES popped in my head and it couldnt be more appropriate now at 36 with a husband an ex husband and a child...and the line was "All of this people running around here jumping, skipping, falling in love...falling in love ain't shit. Somebody talk to  me PLEASE about how to stay there..

I am not sure where that random memory of that line came from BUT maybe because I may have read a romance novel a time or two and yea there is something about the "falling in love" and no movie no book addresses the STAYING there...so Savon ...I feel you ..I didn't get it at 16 because what did I know but 20 years later...LOVE JONES is so very relevant 

5th- As I was listening to my Itunes library which is an eclectic mix of pretty much every genre of music... A Gary Allen song " Life Aint Always Beautiful" came on...and just a few of the lyrics are...

Life ain't always beautifulSometimes it's just plain hardLife can knock you downIt can break your heart.Life ain't always beautifulYou think you're on your wayAnd it's just a dead end roadAt the end of the day.But the struggles make you strongerAnd the changes make you wiseAnd happiness has it's own wayOf taking it's own sweet time.No, life ain't always beautifulTears will fall sometimesLife ain't always beautifulBut it's a beautiful ride. 

And then the next song on shuffle was Kirk Franklin's --Help Me and so I was sitting snickering to myself thinking about the mood I was in ..and all I could say is I was somewhere between Country and the healing of a good Gospel song...

and for the next 20 minutes my Itunes shuffled between the two genres and for that 58 minute drive home...it was cathartic


Last thought of the day--well maybe second to last thought...

As I was driving through the back roads of MD ..the roads less traveled and untouched by all of the glitch and glam and snobbery of Northern Virginia...i took in the beauty but then i also was worried and unsettled because i was not familiar with the area and the atmosphere

and almost as if my thoughts were heard I saw one of the the NO HATE signs and another sign that said ALL are welcome here and it had hands of every nationality and color...

and while that allowed me to sigh and focus on the last 17 miles of my drive..it also made me sad that in 2018 signs like this are needed and it just reminded me of a time where signs had to be displayed to indicate to MY people that it was okay for us to stop or receive service there

wow 2018 or 1930s ????

Last thought..... oh shoot i forgot it..... lol 

Love's Mosaic

As I drove in to work this morning my mind settled on a bit of a sentimental place..


Everyone who knows me knows that LOVE is the soundtrack to my life...


As I rested on that idea for a minute I really started to think about ALL the ways that LOVE is in my life


The first thought was about my child....my Jordan...man how my heart melts and expands for this little girl


Her smile, her affection, her empathy and capacity to feel for others astonishes me


I fall more and more in love with her EVERY DAY.....


Having a child has taught me to be selfless and sacrificial and to really comprehend what it means to put someone else and their happiness first...




Then comes my Mom......I grew up in a pretty dang great house..my parents demonstrated positive love and a positive healthy marriage..one that for so long I have searched for and tried to emulate (quite unsuccessfully---although I have learned I have to pave my own road and path)


But my Mom was nurturing and kind and she poured in to me and she made me feel special everyday


and now as a woman and a mother myself..my love for her runs SO incredibly deep... to recognize and understand her sacrifice and choices she made ... to say I could ever repay her is an understatement


and of course in no order...my Dad...the man who loved me first...the man who showed me how a princess should be treated...a man who loved me and loves me and tells me every day...


my parents are amazing but Jordan's GRANDPARENTS are something indescribable


to watch them love a part of me...to watch their relationship grow..to see the smile when E-Gi and Grampy are mentioned or are visiting


again it just makes me heart swell


another kind of love that renders me speechless is Josh & Jord...


to watch these two... arghhh I am a fan


my love for my brother is immeasurable but to see him with my child who is SO much like him and who LOVES being affectionately referred to as his "twin"

If seeing my brother with Jordan is any indication of the type of father he will be someday his kids are going to be so blessed

My husband... that's a love that I am still learning...learning to accept that someone loves me the way they know how and in their capacity and while it may not be what I sometimes expect or think that doesnt mean they do not love me unconditionally

I am learning that love does require effort although I think with and for love it should never feel like EFFORT ..

I think when you truly love someone and you put their happiness and their feelings above your own..it feels dare I say NATURAL

which leads me to another INCREDIBLY important and forever love in my life..Kellee Ann...

Our relationship has taught me that love spans time and zip codes and kids and husbands and when its strong nothing can change it

Our love taught me that I can be 100% me in the safest relationship with no judgment and always honest..

This relationship is one of my most sacred... Its like that of my family has been lifelong and she breathes life and friendship, trust and everything in between and above and beyond

When I think about the types of LOVE and all those that LOVE me I am just full

I think of Ray-my ex husband -my child's father and that relationship..unconventional love for SURE

This is a love that proves that while titles may change and society may object to our definition of love and FAMILY we can choose to forge our own path

One where the focus of LOVE is the beacon and our mutual LOVE of OUR daughter is the start and end of everything we do

I think of my in-laws and the way they not only embraced me but the way they have loved on and embraced my child as if she is theirs

I know everyone does not always have this level and constant stream of love from so many aspects and so many avenues..

but just imagine if they did....

It's been a LONG time..

Last night and this morning I found myself feeling overwhelmed and frustrated....


Frustrated from reading all the negative comments regarding Nike's decision to back and support Colin Kapernick...


Frustrated to read what was nothing more than not so subtle hate.. I read the comments that people who want to constantly twist a man's respectful and peaceful protest and make it something that it is not.


I hear the arguments of people who feel Colin is ruining the game or football is not the platform to use your voice or you need to just play...


What I do not hear is any of these people trying to understand..and honestly all of these "people" who feel this way are NEVER going to EVER be in the position of the people that Colin is protesting for.


Racial equality for some people seems insignificant unless you are in the race that is the minority.


When I read the comments about Colin, when I hear the comments made by the buffoon of a president, it feels like we are rolling back the time and reverting to a point in history when racism was far less subtle than we had gotten of late.


When I read the comments, I feel like we are two steps away from having separate schools, separate water fountains and guess what interracial marriages like my own being made illegal.


That divisive thought, that inability to show empathy and understand where Colin is coming from is the same thought that continues to allow the racists and hate to fester and grow...because the majority is unwilling to hear the minority and understand that the experience of the majority is not the experience of ALL.


I love the people who try to use images such as Pat Tillman to say that's a man who truly sacrificed everything and try to use him as propaganda in their twisted game and YET his widow and his family ..you know the ones that knew him and love him have said he would have supported Colin taking a knee for racial injustice and would have been right along with him.  I love that people choose to not hear and acknowledge that Colin went and spoke with Vets who do support him and he takes a knee because they told him that kneeling is a sign of respect.....


But NO-people's hate continues...


People argue football is not an okay platform...Anyone who has been given a platform was given it for a reason and just because they are using it to further a cause that makes you uncomfortable doesn't make them wrong or you right.  Using your platform is no different than having a retired player at an event to draw a crowd or having celebs make appearances to increase ticket sales


people have been using their platform FOREVER and will continue


Why are folks more in an uproar about their football than they are about police brutality and school shootings...


I love that folks want to boycott Nike now...well guess what genius people...the NFL just signed a contract with NIKE that goes to 2028....


Guess who is laughing now...Oh wait did I say it...the NFL..the same NFL that Colin used to play for and people don't want him to kneel at an event...well yup they are partnering so you can boycott your Nike but are you also going to boycott watching Football...


and if you do....SO what!!!


As a black person this is just hurtful ..it hurts and it makes me wonder ..WHAT NEXT!!!!


Do I feel better after my rant?


Nope not really!


Racism is the wound that doesn't heal and it keeps getting bumped and bleeding again


Racism for some can be ignored


Racism for others is a fact of life


I think about when I have a biracial child...how the world will see him/her...how will they see themselves


I can't fix this but this is a topic close to my heart....so I will just pray that the power of love continues to be stronger than the power of hate...

6 years ago ......

6 years ago almost to the hour my life changed forever

6 years ago at 6am ish a group of nurses flooded my room at Virginia Hospital Center and informed me

IT IS TIME (kinda like Lion King ...but but not really)


6 years ago the journey of growing a child within me

watching my body change and expand (there was a lot of expanding)

6 years ago today I learned just how strong a woman's body is

i learned you can endure a whole lot more in the name of love and babies

6 years ago my center shifted from all about me to all about someone else

i think until you are a parent you will never truly understand what being selfless and what sacrificial love is

it is SO very different from the love between a spouse or any other relationship

becoming a parent changes EVERYthing

6 years ago the months of anticipation and wondering ..girl or boy

wondering would the baby look like me or Ray

6 years ago finally i held the most beautiful baby, MY baby...... Jordan Lee Crump

Over the past 6 years Jord, Jordy, Jojo has changed my world in ways I never expected or could have ever anticipated

over the past 2,190 days she has made me proud to be HER Mom and so happy to be A Mom

for anyone who knows the journey to Jojo ...it did not come easy and so i really take the time to savor every moment and appreciate each day as a gift ...because it is

So today as I last minute called off of work to spend the day with my baby

and while it was not planned i openly embrace the ability to call in to work on short notice and turn

a moment like my child asking me to stay and celebrate her 6th birthday with her into an opportunity to make a lasting memory

because 6 years is special and i want her to know just how special she is TO ME

4 months later

Oh it's been awhile... like 4 months to be exact

Today I woke up just like any other morning and I checked the news on my phone...

i get the important political stuff but i also get the celeb fluffy stuff

so there was something that caught my eye

another celebrity divorce

and for some reason despite my two trips down that road

i always feel such a profound hurt when i see another couple going their separate ways

now before i sound too judgy, i am the first to recognize that sometimes there are reasons

and obstacles that may seem insurmountable or people feel pushed into a corner with no other recourse

i get that, i truly do

but i also think one of the lessons that God has allowed me to learn from my losses is just how fragile and how much work are required of relationships and marriages are the supreme relationship

its meant to be forever and transcend hurt feelings, seasonal change, loss, gain and everything in between

i think whenever i hear about a new divorce i mourn and hurt a little bit for the loss of my marriages

that is NOT to be confused with REGRET because I am where i am and who i am because of those losses

they have changed me to the core and changed my capacity and understanding of love and relationships

as a newlywed now i have a more refined understanding of fighting for and protecting my marriage

in the past i didnt recognize and have the tenacity and grit to dig in and fight on the days when you may not want to look at that person let alone share a word

now i plant seeds of forgiveness and understanding and compassion DAILY

its not just good enough to forgive once, you have to forgive over and over and over and over

AND OVER

and sure there may be days when that person gets ON YOUR NERVES (and boy does he)

but then i remember what a PEACH i can be and i realize that's balance and that's LOVE

so while the news came today of one couple calling it quits..


there was another couple  -LL Cool J and his wife Simone that celebrated 22 years

within the realm of celebrities and public figures, what is it that causes some to fail while others somehow someway still thrive and defy the statistics

What grounds some

what destroys others

so that was my thought of the day.....

a drink for one and a prayer for another

Hi! My name is...

Between sickness and travel..it's been AWHILE ...to say the least


HOWEVER


I am back!!!


I had a very interesting conversation this weekend on a topic very near and dear to my heart


FRIENDSHIP


I am 35 and while I have many ASSOCIATES .. I do not have many FRIENDS


and I am okay with that and I like that


There are people in my life who I am close with and who may be closer than an associate but friends


I can count on one hand


During this discussion this person and I talked about the cycles and chapters that they have had with a particular person in their life


each chapter starts and ends kinda the same


but at this stage they are no longer interested in trying to craft a different outcome and they are okay with where things are and the repetition of the relationship


it really got me thinking about why I only let so many people in


it got me thinking about the type of friend I try to be, I hope I am, and work at being


I try to be drama free because past 20 WHO needs additional drama when you have LIFE & RESPONSIBILITY


I want to support my friends and I want them to know I have their back no matter what


I want my friends to know I will always listen and that I am true and loyal


and I also want to be the friend that is honest..always...


I remembered someone mentioning to me the "5 types of people you need in your life" and I have pasted it below


I think there is a lot of truth to that...it is good to think about the type of friend you are and to think about the people in your life who fill those roles... (I almost said rolls)


some people will overlap, sometimes not


but I think today is a good day to think about FRIENDSHIP


xoxoxo me




Everyone knows the types of people to steer clear of. The toxic, negative, bullies of the world and the people that bring you down. But what about the people to keep in your life? Who are the friends that you should be holding onto?


In a world of negative people and toxicity, making sure you have positive relationships in your life is essential to maintaining your mental health and improving quality of life. So, we compiled a list of the top 5 types of friends you should be regularly seeing and why.


The friend that always makes you laugh
A crucial friendship is one that gets you laughing. Even if you’re the predominately “funny one” of the bunch, you should always have someone who’ll make you laugh in return once in a while. Find someone with a similar sense of humour to you and let the medicine of laughter help you get through those tough times.


The friend that forces you to go out
Particularly important for those introverted/reclusive types. Having a friend who is energetic and constantly invites you out will force you to maintain a regular social life. While they may not be the friend you can hang out with every single day, they’re definitely the friend to help get your mind of anything bothering you. Hanging with high energy people will help with lifting your own energy and improving your spirits.


The Low Maintenance friend
Probably the most important friendship you’ll ever have. There is nothing worse than only having friends that you have to put up a front with. Having someone you can talk to freely (about any awkward or gross topic you want) and someone you’re happy to sit and do nothing with will do wonders for your mental health. Sometimes, we need human connection, but don’t want the obligations of having to go out or make a big event of it. So make a friend that’s happy sitting at home watching Netflix in their pyjamas with you.


The friend that tells it how it is
Sometimes polite relationships will prevent you from seeing things in a realistic viewpoint. Surrounding yourself with people that don’t feel like they can tell you when you’re in the wrong, when you’re making a mistake, or just when you have food stuck in your teeth, makes things a little awkward. If you’re not told when you’re wrong, you could develop unhealthy narcissism or lose crucial self-awareness. So make sure you have someone you can talk to and seek for advice that’s going to be real, raw and honest.


The supportive friend
Just as you need a friend to tell you the truth and keep your head out of the clouds, you also need one to lift you up and support you no matter what. When you’re a person that’s riddled with insecurity and uncertainty, it’s very important to have someone there for you who is going to get you through those tough times. Sometimes, we all just need a little bit of positive affirmation.


These may not be all different people. If you’ve managed to find someone that meets all these requirements in one: congrats! You’ve found a friend for life. But still try to keep your friendship group varied. Surround yourself with a number of wonderful people and you’ll live a rewarding, happy life!

Become a student again...

Ha!!! catchy title but NO I am not encouraging everyone to return to academia


however I was listening to a podcast and I think reading in a pre-marital book


and the concept of "being a student of your spouse" was introduced


after reading a bit more down the page I realized what a powerful concept that was


so while this is technically a cheater move today I am going to Copy + Paste an article that


very clearly explains this concept.


I hope you enjoy!


If you are in a relationship, may you think about this and apply some of this valuable information


and if you are not in a relationship, I hope the next time you are, you remember this and find it useful.


A few more disclaimers-while this is written for married couples, I think it is also applicable to long-term and other serious and committed relationships.

Going Back to School to Study Your Wife

Become a lifelong learner of your spouse. Some things you learn may be great and others not so great, but ultimately it’ll help you connect more intimately with your wife. It’s time we all go back to school to study our wives. Below are five reasons going back to school to study your wife is a great idea as well as five practical study habits you can develop to make it happen.

5 Reasons to Go Back to School to Study Your Wife

1. To be the expert in your wife. To know your wife like nobody else knows her is an amazing thing and something you should desire.
2. To keep things fresh. Your relationship will never get stale because you will continue to discover new things about her.
3. To stay sharp. Ever been caught off guard by something she said or did? When you constantly learn about her, her habits, her likes/dislikes, etc., you aren’t caught off guard as much.
4. To increase desire. I want to be attracted to my wife in all areas forever! When you learn about someone, you tend to desire them more and more, and it just may go both ways.
5. To increase self-discovery. The more I learn about my wife, the more I learn about myself which helps me to keep growing and becoming the best I can be.

5 Practical Study Habits to Learn More About Your Wife

1. Listen to her. Groundbreaking idea, huh? I list this with full disclosure. I’m not the best listener, but when I really intently listen to her, I learn a lot. Be intentional about this.
2. Spend regular and frequent time together alone. Block out at least 15 minutes daily for each other, and date weekly. Just spending 15 minutes together per day will provide a consistent opportunity to talk and learn more about one another, just like dating will, and it’s fun.
3. Exercise together. Striving for and achieving fitness goals together is amazing. You’ll learn a lot about her in how she responds when stressed, when challenged, when tired, and when succeeding.
4. Read books together. Grab some books on marriage and parenting, or money and fitness, or just a fiction book. As you discuss it, you’ll get more insight into her thoughts and her feelings.
5. Pray for her and with her. Prayer is very intimate, and you’ll learn a lot. When we pray for our wives and ask God for help, I believe He gives insight to us about our wives as well. Pray daily and see what happens.