defining relationships...is marriage the icing or.....

soooooo.....as seemingly someone who has experienced a variety of relationships and relationships status, i thought today why do someone people avoid marriage and yet sustain amazing and happy relationships in a time when the divorce rate is astronomical...why is it that some same sex partners are able to maintain lifetime partners and yet so many marriages cannot withstand the same

im sure this will generate a lot of feedback and i will say upfront i realize there are many variables that affect this BUT it was just an idea or thought that entered my mind

right off the top of my head i can think of some long term couples unmarried who have been together FOREVER
Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell
Oprah and Stedman
Tina Turner & her Italian guy

what is it about the institution of marriage or what is it that has caused these couples to not become one in the eyes of God
is there commitment any less strong

how are some of them able to have decades and decades under the belt and yet have not taken those steps

do they feel saying I DO will change something
will I DO make things more "real"

Is it a financial thing?
Is it a legal issue?

What makes a couple want to get married versus just a long term relationship?

Happiness is not a guarantee because you are married

someone once told me they thought unmarried couples were happier because they are always working harder to maintain the relationship and reinvent it because there was no legally binding contract that could infer you HAD to do something

is that true
do you work harder when you are trying to win someone or when the thought of losing them is in the back of your head

food for thought
when you are dating we tend to go ALL out for someone....always dressed nice, makeup, patient, lots of phone calls, emails, back massages, etc and yet once you past the honeymoon phase how many people maintain this lifestyle

and not to say a relationship is all romance and flowers because NO its not but there are some things that CAN and SHOULD be maintained whether after 1 yr or 10 years
the compliments the looks the touches the little attention to detail

i read a quote once that said when you stop kissing the relationship is over

i always thought kisses were the little foundation fillers of a relationship
kisses are so intimate and can convey so many different messages
if you aren't kissing and you arent making time for the smallest building block in a relationship have you stopped everything else

why do we date and put our best foot forward if we have no intention of maintaining or if that "dating facade" is soo far off from our genuine and authentic person?
I have heard you should date someone for at least 6 seasons to really know them

i think through my trial and error i am going to cry falsity on that
you can date someone for 18 months, 3 years, or 6 months, if someone is in the business of masquerading as a good person then time will not be a factor in how long they keep the show going

which leads me to the next question people generally ask..do you ever really know someone
i think time is not always the only indicator of how well you know someone, i think what weighs more heavily in knowing someone and their character is experiences..

experiences and life are the best windows into someone
how do they handle good news, bad news
how do they handle stress
how do they get mad? how do they cope
how are they when they are stressed
how do they treat others
do they have friends? what do their friends think of them?

but back to my original thought of why some people choose to marry versus others
i would initially want to say people marry for religious reasons but most people who get married aren't even religious
so what is it
is it societal driven
is it the influence of our peers and family

what makes someone choose to get married over maintaining a healthy happy adult relationship

Compassion Extended

There is always a lesson to be learned in life

some action or experience that we are able to learn from

i watched a TLC special yesterday called my life as a 600 pound woman

most people's initial response is disgust or a gawking OMG

but after watching that i really stopped and paused and thought about COMPASSION

i watched how this woman was viewed and ostracized by society

and instead of caving in to my own initial thoughts and questions i stepped outside and thought how she must feel and not how she feels just in public one day but every day of her life

to say this woman was morbidly obese was just an understatement

there is a very interesting phenomenon in society where the concept of freedom of speech has far blurred the line of being rude and crosses very quickly and easily into being a JACKASS 

everyone feels that their opinion and thoughts count for something and that they should be able to exert it and share it with you

i watched in this documentary as people slung such hateful things like well she shouldnt have eaten so much or if you get any bigger you will need a bigger cart (she was unable to walk)

im curious at what point did these people check into the land of perfection and then felt enabled and empowered to spout such hate and negativity

i think some where deep inside of us we feel that if we point out someone else's issues or remind them of their flaws we are either 1) helping them OR 2) we somehow make our flaws seem less visible

so many things get lost the moment we take on the role of judge and jury

we become no better than the worst of society

and we inflict a certain cruelty and pain on someone so very underserving 

we view the world through our own lenses based on our life experiences 

we think we can change people we someone think what we think should be shared with someone else and that we should help govern their lives and households...well WRONG

im not saying you just disconnect and keep blinders on because thats not the essence of community 

BUT the next time you see someone who is different from you whether they are dressed a certain way or behaving in a way that YOU find unacceptable...you need to STOP and ask yourself do i know this person..do i know their back story? am i being a better person by saying my snarky comment either aloud or under my breath? what type of person does my comment make me? am i being an asshole or someone with compassion

if its the first choice instead of worrying about that person why dont you check yourself and figure out why you feel the need to judge..and work on yourself

why dont you put some negative into a positive..help someone instead of hurting...

i always say try to make the world better than you found it

do you want to reinforce the hate and negativity for the next generation or do you want to attempt to make things a bit better

 

The HOLIDAY of LOVE.......or is it

This post is dedicated to my favorite girl, well my favorite little sister, who really isn't so little anymore

Tomorrow is the day when Hallmark and Victoria's Secret and all the florist make a killing!

It's the day when men stress out over what to buy her, what to do for her, and making sure she knows how special she is.

it's the day when women make sure they shave their legs, get a new outfit, and expect miracles or at least some type of gift

for the singles its a day of bitterness and  proclamations about how trite the holiday is and how you dont need society to tell you when you should tell someone you like or love them
the singles flock to bars and other watering holes and watch Waiting to Exhale or other I don't need anyone type movies and sit around and wax poetically about loves they've lost or that they kicked to the curb

*okay so maybe that was kinda stereotypical of me but it made me chuckle

Valentine's day-whether i'm single or not single on that day inevitably the day will come and go and each year and each time it means something different to me

i think it was cuter when you were in high school or college-it seemed like the trendy thing to do

i have had plenty of February 14ths where i was alone and enough where i wasn't

sometimes i feel compelled to wear red others i will gladly don something black and chic

hmmmm who do i love.....

i like to make any and every day special

i consider myself to be pretty romantic and i dont allow myself to be limited by one calendar day

Christmas to me and the month of December is by FAR more romantic more magical and whimsical than Feb 14th

Christmas has the lights, the smells, the spirit, that to me is romance it is love

Valentine's Day feels a little FORCED

Love is more than some lacy outfit or the "he went to Jared's commercial" 

I think society sets this holiday up to make you feel like a leper if you are single and not getting a DIAMOND pendent from the new HEARTS collection or whatever the jewelry ad de jour is....

Love is putting in the time
love is the non glamorous things
love is consistency
love is showing up and continuing to show up

LOVE is not quitting
LOVE is seeing the ugly and saying GIVE IT ALL TO ME anyway

LOVE is knowing when to just BE and not push

LOVE is not always saying the right words or picking the right card (by Hallmark)
Love IS sitting quietly with a face of understanding and empathy

Love IS being that voice of reason and answering your  best friend's emails all day because you know right now she's just trying to get through the current season

LOVE is visiting your twin and making sure she's okay
LOVE is sleeping so soundly besides someone and just not having a care in the world
Love is protecting someone and feeling such an unchanging and unwavering indescribable emotion for them that HALLMARK will never be able to coin 

Sooooo
while yes Valentine's day is about the butterflies in your stomach 
and that giddy feeling when you first meet someone
and valentine's day can be about having a date and a happy ending (hahahah)
and that's great but what happens when you wake up on February 15th ....will it be Groundhog day and Valentine's day all over again or will it be just another day ................  

Getting NAKED

catchy title but this is  NOT a nod and wink type situation
Nakedness for the purpose of this post is more in the sense of vulnerabilities
I'm talking past the no makeup
Beyond the in the morning purity and naturalness
Nakedness that extends beyond the false bravado and male ego
When I say naked I mean the most basic the most untouched inner soul of your person
That deep inside part of you that you keep tucked away
Nakedness that when someone asks how you are doing you don't lie and say you are okay when you are suffering inside
Naked to me is that side that makes you feel less than perfect
Naked is your kryptonite
Naked is admitting you don't know it all and can't do it all
Naked means sometimes sitting and crying because at that moment that's all that you have left in you to do
Naked is exposing a part of you that in the wrong hands could be exploited and abused
Naked is that emotion behind the forced and pained smile
Naked is the sigh even if for a moment when you forget about your reality and just relax
Naked is not being strong....its being raw and exposed and vulnerable in the worst way
While NAKED is so many things and more ...it also is a critical point that allows for a few things to happen
How many people have you gotten naked with
Who are you getting NAKED with now
It's hard to get naked..its hard to lay it all out and expose flaws under the lights and sparkle
But you need at least one person you can get naked with...really and truly naked

Just a thought....

Requirements for the BEST FATHER EVER!!!!

this topic was a triple request...so to Mr. S, my other half, and the original Jojo....here is my take on the concept of "father of the year/parent child relationships"


when I think Best Father I must say I am biased and I automatically think to my Daddy-most people think they have the best parents but I genuinely might

i am not going to short my Mom but this blog is about the daddy figure so I will come back to my Mom another day

*pardon the interruption-my Mom just emailed me to say my Dad is getting yet another award at Church...He's been Father of the Year, Man of the Year, he was recently the recipient of another award and now he's the February member awardee 

So let me talk about my Dad for a moment

I am the poster child of Daddy's GIRLS!! although recently I was replaced by a smaller version of myself...but sigh

What makes a Dad amazing

first thought a dad who spends time
the dad who spends time with you, the dad who talks to you, the dad who is present

now i want to take a detour real quick because earlier when I was thinking about this i wondered about the difference between generations of present versus past

i look at my grandfather for example....an amazing father by any standard but his fathering style was very different
my grandfather was that STRONG type-he was the provider..he got up EVERY morning and went to work
he taught  lessons and his lessons are what we ALL hold with us today
my grandad instilled the lessons in life you need to survive and that you will use when life kicks you down and you feel like you can't get up...that's when you think of his words....my grandad was a Marine...and let me tell you he was the DEFINITION of a Marine and that's how he raised my Dad-
work hard..work harder dont rest and float through life

and yet at the same time he was very traditional..he was the provider my grandmother was the nurturer ..grandad didn't cook or do the "household" duties that were typically relegated to a woman..ie laundry and cleaning but his pride was his yard...sigh

so that's the man that raised my Dad

my Dad is firm and yet fair...
you don't want to see my dad's ugly side BUT usually if you have to meet that side you had it coming
my dad is loving...he adores me..i was the princess..
the relationship i have with my dad has shaped the relationship i have with the opposite gender and that is SO critical..and now that I have a daughter I realize that influence is vital

my dad is very hands on....he taught me to cook as well as being independent... i can change a flat, i can refill my liquids as well as shut off water in the house just in case Mom and I are for the 3rd time home when there is a leak of broken pipe :)

i talk to my dad everyday..whenever i have a hard problem or even not my dad is my first call

i can talk about anything with him and my amazing driving skills are from many miles logged up and down the US with my Dad...we make a pretty great dynamic duo!!!

so what is it about a great father...it's the little things..it's not always about the trips to Children's Palace as a kid or the sneak trips to McDonalds
it's the consistency 
its knowing the sacrifices he made for my education and for me in general
its the selfless that as an adult i can see and understand
its that by him being around and in my life ...my dad has made me WHO I am

don't get me wrong my Mom can't be discounted but it can't be denied that a woman turns out very different with and without her dad

so the best answer i can give is time which is always the greatest gift you can give

give of your time
spend time
make time
time
 

 

Fits like a glove

In my constant quest to understand relationships and the mechanics behind the dynamics of males and females
my thoughts today led me to wonder about the cliche phrase "fits like a glove"

do we find that our relationships that "fit like a glove" are easier and most fulfilling

i instantly think of my other half ...32 years and we have had a seamless easy free flowing relationship...

unlike many other females we have not encountered the hiccups and friction so often associated with the estrogen intense sex

but then as i reflect further i remember some of my most memorable relationships with the opposite sex and i think about the relationships that were just "easy"

i like to think that i am a low drama..drama free woman and i dont feel a relationship needs drama in order to validate it

maybe it sounds very unicorn and rainbows to expect that in an adult relationship people will have respect, talk to you with a certain amount of kindness and gentleness, and use basic courtesies

i dont think you need to argue constantly and i dont think arguments have to be ugly

i believe that if i love you even if you make me mad i will still use kind words
i wont go for the jugular

i believe in saying im sorry even if its not my fault
i think keeping the peace is far more important than my pride/ego

relationships no doubt are work...but when it is an uphill battle do you question more WHY

Is there such a thing as a "PERFECT RELATIONSHIP"
not perfect people but two flawed people who mesh together to create the PERFECT relationship

not one with no problems but one where problems are tackled head on with love and respect...love first so that the aftermath is never
a relationship where even when you dont see eye to eye the love is never in question the affection is never withheld

I think the perfect relationship is the couple that is dedicated to the relationship at all cost

the couple that remains open minded
the couple that is committed to continued growth and realizes that relationships grow and change are ready and willing to hang on for the ride and go with the ebbs and flows


to be selfless in a relationship to GENUINELY put the needs and emotions and feelings of another ahead of your own....

so back to idea of fitting like a glove....i think every relationship ..every couple are different but from  a outsiders view the couples that you look up to and emulate are the ones that are in sync...the ones that seem to just flow together....they almost have become one....they operate together like a well oiled machine .....
it seems effortless even if its not

i wonder if those are the long lasting epic relationships
i wonder if "fitting like a glove" is a element or recipe for success or is it just more rainbows and unicorns idealistic thoughts and ideals.........

Been SO long.......

I don't even know where to begin with my return blog

it's been awhile
it's been a long long while

sometimes i feel like my life is a soap opera
i wonder sometimes how can someone who feels they are so DRAMA free have so much drama

is it really me?
do I need to take a look at ME and have some self reflection!
well believe it or not i have

i have been doing a lot of self-analysis, a lot of self reflecting and talking to others and seeking input and feedback 

its 2014-a new year-working on a new me

who am i
april janelle, mother of the every loquacious and witty 2.5 year old Jordan, most days Jojo Crump

i've have some shifts in my life, not really ready to discuss them yet but one day
i do feel my blog is my online diary
its my place to be vulnerable 
its a window into who i am and my thoughts and feelings

here i am 32 years old and once again everything i thought i knew about love and life is being challenged and its a very sobering thing

ive learned a lot about myself and still continue to do so

i have a problem with control...i might be a slight control freak..reason being..i moved out here to VA around 8 years ago-I had no family and the support system that i KNOW i could depend on was 400+ miles away so I quickly adapted to depending on ME...
it's nice when someone helps and cuts you some slack but I think to a fault I now have an inability to relinquish control and really TRUST someone..

ive been burned like everyone else and so for me at times its just easier and best to depend on me
that sounds bad and its something i will work on but for now i depend on me

i am a person who CAN be alone and im sure my brother would roll his eyes at this and disagree BUT while I CAN its not my nature..
im a lover, im a affectionate person...i like companionship...i like hand holding and a certain level of intimacy (please dont automatically translate that to sex) because that's not the root of it

i am independent but i like being a part of a TEAM

I like doing things with my girls or myself or my daughter but also with someone

people can judge
people can make their own assessments but at 32 I feel like this
govern and regulate your own house and life and i will do the same for mine

its great when people give advice and opinions but i lay my head down on my pillow in my house each night not you
i often seek guidance from my parents and my other half (hey Sabrina) but at 32 I dont need nor want someone to say well i dont think you should do a or b
i always want whats best for me just like anyone wants whats best for them

so while 5-10 years ago I wanted to make decisions that I thought would make people respect me or proud of me
I realized they didn't always at the end of the day make me happy

i've always been pretty open about parts of my life and sharing and maybe i reign that in...maybe..who knows
my parents and my inner circle will always be kept in the loop but extending it further...im going to lay low on that...
there are people who i will never mind talking to or explaining my actions to because as i explain i am talking through it..others....not so much

i'm an adult i know right from wrong..i think i have pretty good judgment
i am a stable person
who makes good decisions
i think and think before i act
i slept on ideas
despite the myth that i am impulsive (joshua) 
im not
i always have a plan b, and c, and probably d
i leave little to chance

that's the control part...you can't be away from your support system and fly by the seat of your pants
so while i may not be fun in some people's eyes (josh)
im calculated and a thinker

sooo i know this first blog was all over the place...but im back so hang on and see what i have to offer this year :)


xoxoox
me