frazzled...incomplete thoughts..ideas...

I had this great plan on Monday to get my blogs out each Monday..i wanted to begin to have some consistency again

and then Monday came and went and there were no creative juices flowing

honestly today is not much different

i dont have any topics weighing heavily on my mind..

or maybe that's me being deceptive and just being unwilling to share

i go back and forth with wondering do i want my blog to be fun and upbeat and maybe sometimes positive and encouraging or do i want it to always be genuine and me

as i sit here...i could share how much i realized i don't like the early parts of dating

i can say now at 34 AND with a child and a 4 year old at that..dating gives me anxiety

i see how some people avoid it..i mean people avoid dating with no kids and you throw in a kid AND a girl at that with the current online, fast speed, creepy creepers lurking behind every corner and its just a dynamic that is DAUNTING and EXHAUSTING

I have traditionally dated safely as in I date guys that work with me or near me or somehow are connected to me so I know their backgrounds and I have a baseline understanding of who they are and what they could be

BUT in looking at my track record, that has not panned out to the perfect "happily ever after"
so they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

so I am attempting to step out of my very safe comfort zone and try SOMETHING NEW *Kellee and Gigi might get a snicker out of this reference to the movie
BUT this go around I will be open to not dating someone who works where I work and someone who is different with a different background

maybe allowing some differences , while not fundamental ones, will add for new experiences and bonding on a level that i have no achieved before

not seeing someone at home and at work could open up doors to meeting new friends as well as different conversations

maybe dating outside of my comfort zone will force me to grow and learn more about myself
i ran into an old coworker today and she asked how my dating was going and i responded meh and she's like BUT look at you...and her response was that if she looked like me with my body she definitely would not have a problem meeting guys

so i love that people dont see me as a mudd duck BUT i realize anyone worth their salt and with substance is not just looking at the outward

#notetoselfNOonlinedating

sooo tonight that's all i got...nothing profound and not truly venting...just sharing where i am

nope don't want a pep talk
dont need to hear how great i am

dont need to hear that being single isnt so bad
save it all

ive heard it

i know it
grrrr

ok

*exhales*

so its been awhile

that may even be an understatement

where to begin...what to say..what to share...

as authentic as i proclaim to be...there are times when i think i shut down my transparency

i am not sure how much of it is wounded puppy sitting alone licking its wounds vs that fear of people judging, saying i told you so, or even knowing just how i genuinely feel

or the times when i really dont have it all together

my mom has said it and i might agree with her especially of late

i am the person who will put that smile on her face no matter whats going on

i will smile through the sadness

i will smile through the struggles and even the hurt

no matter whats going on..i am going to try to smile

i dont know if i smile because "fake it til you make it"

or maybe i dont want anyone to worry about me

maybe i dont want to truly expose my vulnerability and at times frailty when i want to be perceived as "strong"

do i smile because i know eventually whatever is hurting will stop and my smile will be genuine again

do i smile so that no one will ask me if everything is okay

i dunno....probably a little bit of all the above

lately there have been peaks and valleys

life always is full of curves and straight aways

i think the past year has taught me that life is never going to be what you expect and you can only control so much and yet control nothing at all

there are only a few things in life that are guarantees and we all know what those are

what i have learned is that you have to keep going forward

you can't quit

on all the days when i want to sit and cry and scream how unfair things can be

i realize that's not an option

as much as i would love to stay on my couch in my magical robe

i know its not healthy

but its human

its human to want to retreat

to want to lick your wounds

to want a new strategy

its human to not have it all together

its human to not always be strong

its human to cry

its human to feel life and struggles are not always fair

its human to feel

its human to hurt

its human to not want to smile

so hello my name is April and i am a human

*this blog return was requested by KSN...you're welcome lol

--

*exhales*

so its been awhile

that may even be an understatement

where to begin...what to say..what to share...

as authentic as i proclaim to be...there are times when i think i shut down my transparency

i am not sure how much of it is wounded puppy sitting alone licking its wounds vs that fear of people judging, saying i told you so, or even knowing just how i genuinely feel

or the times when i really dont have it all together

my mom has said it and i might agree with her especially of late

i am the person who will put that smile on her face no matter whats going on

i will smile through the sadness

i will smile through the struggles and even the hurt

no matter whats going on..i am going to try to smile

i dont know if i smile because "fake it til you make it"

or maybe i dont want anyone to worry about me

maybe i dont want to truly expose my vulnerability and at times frailty when i want to be perceived as "strong"

do i smile because i know eventually whatever is hurting will stop and my smile will be genuine again

do i smile so that no one will ask me if everything is okay

i dunno....probably a little bit of all the above

lately there have been peaks and valleys

life always is full of curves and straight aways

i think the past year has taught me that life is never going to be what you expect and you can only control so much and yet control nothing at all

there are only a few things in life that are guarantees and we all know what those are

what i have learned is that you have to keep going forward

you can't quit
on all the days when i want to sit and cry and scream how unfair things can be

i realize that's not an option

as much as i would love to stay on my couch in my magical robe

i know its not healthy

but its human

its human to want to retreat
to want to lick your wounds

to want a new strategy

its human to not have it all together
its human to not always be strong

its human to cry

its human to feel life and struggles are not always fair

its human to feel
its human to hurt

its human to not want to smile

so hello my name is April and i am a human

*this blog return was requested by KSN...you're welcome lol

16 days into a new year and i am finally sitting to pen a blog....

I could have started the new year off with a recap of 2015 and all my lofty goals and plans for 2016 BUT instead I would rather take this new year as a gift and accept the gift one day at a time and simply just enjoy

i look forward to a year of new ventures, new faces, new experiences, a lot of laughter, and of course true to my form, a lot of LOVE

LOVE is always unpredictable
LOVE can look many different ways

LOVE is sometimes unforgiving and relentless
LOVE is EVER powerful and always all-consuming

LOVE has good, LOVE has bad
LOVE has conditions, true LOVE does not

This year as with the years of the past, I will not give up on LOVE but remain open to it
BUT I will only allow TRUE LOVE to capture my attention and TRUE LOVE to influence my actions, choices, and decisions

I will no longer be swayed by lukewarm or half-assed LOVE
I want solid as a rock, strong as a diamond, impenetrable, growing, thriving FOREVER ...TRUE LOVE

True Love is not based on emotions or a cute face, but it is grounded in the one who IS love and who loved us first
by seeking HIM first and taking his path THEN and ONLY then will TRUE LOVE be mine

Mine to enjoy and bask in

because while lust and like fade

Love NEVER Fails.................

Broken Together

 Hehhe so apparently I sent out a blank blog..MY Bad I was still writing!!


Every so often I hear a song and it really moves me and i connect with it.. but while listening to my WGTS 91.9 I heard this song entitled BROKEN TOGETHER and I thought "Wow-I got it"

I added the lyrics to the bottom as well as the songwriters interpretation, but as i heard it -the song was truly a Eureka moment for me.

So often when we go into relationships we have this idea of becoming whole..we have this understanding that our spouse will be our other half and that together we will become this more complete person..

I think its idealistic and fairytale-ish but this song nails it on the head.

As an adult when you enter into a relationship you bring all the pieces of who you are, you bring all of your jadedness, all of your preconceived notions, all of your failures, all of your hurt, all of your anger..its normal..its human...to say that you can check any of those elements at the door is impossible..

I think about my past, i think about the choices i have made, i think about choices that may not have been my top pick today

when two people become one, there is the idea (sometimes) that life will become perfect that somehow everything that happened before won't matter because you are now with your spouse..

we go into marriage with unreasonable expectations and as my Dad often tells me we cannot expect of others what we expect of ourselves because that is the definition of disappointment

and yet we do..we expect our spouse to read our mind, we expect our spouse to guess what we want and what we need at every moment
we expect perfection and our spouse is just human and just as human as us

think about your deepest darkest secret.....and with your spouse they have to know that..and that leaves you vulnerable...BUT love true love will be there undoubtedly no matter what ...

secrets come to light..and after the storm..true love should remain
as a spouse your job is not to change but to love, in loving someone that does not mean trying to fix them but loving them

they say that the first few years of marriage are the hardest and i think about what is going on during that times..well generally its the adjustment period..its seeing that person in the morning, late at night, when they are sick, when they are sad, when they are pissed...you are seeing that person completely

before when you had space and a the lack of accountability when times got rough or when the mood shifted and was more dark than sunny you could flee or ignore a call but when you are married and together you have to figure out what works for you both in order to get through it

i think this song speaks to loving someone for WHO and WHAT they are and not for what you want them to be
i think this song speaks to looking at your spouse or partner (if you are not married) and loving them flaws and all and saying I ACCEPT you and you accept me
it is loving their ugly and them loving yours and you guys just being two imperfect humans together


can you imagine if there ever was a PERFECT person or a PERFECT relationship

that would be incredibly draining and stressful...but since that is none of us and certainly not me
all i can offer to my other half is a truly FLAWED but loving woman

all i can offer is someone who has made mistakes and will make mistakes but who will love you and stand by you
i can't fix every problem but i will be by your side and we can figure it out together

instead of spending a lifetime trying to make changes lets just embrace our differences and acknowledging and respecting our weaknesses and playing up the strengths

and of course through time and love we can help mend some of the past hurt and disappointment and be the example of love that we were always looking for

sooo let's be Broken Together




 Writers interpretation: ‘Can you lay down who you thought I was and love the ‘me’ that is? Can we take this from where we are now and realize that I can’t be that person?

Lyrics:
What do you think about when you look at me
I know were not the fairytale you dreamed wed be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery


How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, weve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night

Its going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds


Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and Ill bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together


How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
Im praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we wont give up the fight

Choices....Facebook...and Switzerland

I was on Facebook last night and as usual Facebook is the club of over sharing and TMI

Facebook is a place where people feel the need to share their most intimate pieces of their life with reckless abandon

The problem with social media however is when it's good it's good but when it's bad or fickle it's BAD

the whole world or your list of 600 followers gets to follow your life and your life drama play out like a bad soap opera

I noticed yesterday that a certain couple who I will describe their past two years of their marriage as a roller coaster of breaking up and getting back together

Are now back together again which is great

But I have realized that the best advice given to me by not just my mother but other very wise people is that you always remain neutral when it comes to other people relationships

People- while generally young and immature sometimes break up get back together all the time 

some people  maintain a high level of drama in their life and their relationship and  the key to dealing with these people in your life is to remain neutral and be Switzerland because if you take a stand on their relationship or on their partner when they do inevitably get back together again you can't still be the person who is hating their spouse because they don't anymore

 

It is nice to support your friend but that is a fine line-once you start bashing that person and then they reconcile-they potentially could turn on you because now you are bad mouthing their spouse who they are back to cuddling up to because there is nothing more persuasive than some cuddles to make the mind forget any anger once felt

And the other reality when dealing with these roller coaster relationships is that no one is being forced to be there, so if one party is complaining about their mate..they have choices..they can fix it or leave..and if they leave and choose to go back then at some point you have to think ..they must not be that unhappy or that person must not be as bad as they said

there are always three sides to every story, his side, her side, and the truth..and most people dont want to be totally honest and forthcoming about their side..

its ego, its pride, its perception

that's all 

she may be crazy but they say behind every crazy woman is a man who makes her that way...and that goes right back to his side of the story and hers......

that's really all

not getting furloughed...just lost a bet...feeling salty now..creating juices just dried up

 

Hindsight 20/20

Because I have insomnia tonight (note to self take a melatonin) and because I was reminded by my bestie that I have not written a blog in what has probably been months, here is a late night submission to appease you KSN

We are currently thick in what society likes to call "cuffing" season...and before anyone (EBH) starts thinking thats a reference to the literary disaster 50 Shades of Grey ...let me put the brakes on that and say simply its a term for marriage or wedding season

Last weekend I witnessed the most beautiful, loving, inspiring wedding..of my God-sister and her new husband... Having watched their chance meeting turn into a happily ever after, I was moved and my heart was overwhelmed with LOVE..I sat at the wedding with the eyes and the perspective of a 33 year old who has contributed to the divorce statistic and the 33 year old who despite obstacles still believes in LOVE.

Alyse-is 25 and I reflected later on what I wish I knew when I got married at 25, or what my now 33 year old self would tell my younger self.
I realize its a bit unfair because much of the wisdom (and I say that with extreme humility) has been learned the hard way.

The perspective I have now on love and marriage and commitment is far more honed and advanced from where I was at 25.

I think now at 33 almost 34 I finally have a better idea, I finally have a mature idea of "what it takes"..Its unfortunate that I had to get a few bruises along the way, but I can  honestly say I love myself and who I am today far more than I did at 25.. I possess more understanding, more patience, a deeper and greater capacity to LOVE, and clearer understanding of LOVE, and not superficial -temporary-replacable love, but soul-aching, tear-envoking, I will give you my ALL and move MOUNTAINS ..LOVE

In looking introspectively I believe I am a better woman now, a better friend, now a Mom, so many events and so much life has sculpted me and grounded me than before

Not to say that 25-year olds cannot make it in marriage, but I think that I was not ready, I had an idea but I lacked some of the pieces and "gumption" that I think now runs deep within my core

So as I thought about Alyse and I thought about me I thought what advice would I give myself then or what pearls have I since learned that I would pass along to someone else entering into marriage IF ASKED for my advice......

1. The little things DO matter....because eventually little things become BIG
2. Great and AMAZING marriages do not just happen by luck or chance-they require work..the same way you exercise to maintain your body..you need to put in the work into what is the most important and long relationship...
3. Everyone is NOT a friend of your marriage-watch who you vent to and watch who you seek advice from...find couples who have the same values and levels of commitment who will encourage you to work AND who will be honest with you
4. There will be days and times that person will get on your nerves...SO what...get over it...better days will come
5. NO ONE is PERFECT..especially not YOU..
6. Forgiveness is EVERYTHING-practice it often and give it MORE
7. Laugh and then laugh some more
8. Men and Women fundamentally think different..always have always will..end of discussion
9. You can't change ANYONE but yourself...
10. Be your spouses #1 fan..always or someone else will
11. Love your spouse the way THEY need to be loved NOT the way you nee to be loved or the way you want to love them
12. Date nights are important-never stop dating-complacency is a relationship killer
13. Always hold their hand...don't let the space come between you...space is like #1..the more space you allow in..the more space you will have
14. COMPROMISE
15. Last but certainly not least PRAY...you may not quote scriptures or have 10 Bibles in your house, but when life gets tough, when life knocks you down, and you don't have an answer ..that's a good time to PRAY and ask for help......because what God has joined together let no man separate .
16. and one more for the road...Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.