so its been awhile
that may even be an understatement
where to begin...what to say..what to share...
as authentic as i proclaim to be...there are times when i think i shut down my transparency
i am not sure how much of it is wounded puppy sitting alone licking its wounds vs that fear of people judging, saying i told you so, or even knowing just how i genuinely feel
or the times when i really dont have it all together
my mom has said it and i might agree with her especially of late
i am the person who will put that smile on her face no matter whats going on
i will smile through the sadness
i will smile through the struggles and even the hurt
no matter whats going on..i am going to try to smile
i dont know if i smile because "fake it til you make it"
or maybe i dont want anyone to worry about me
maybe i dont want to truly expose my vulnerability and at times frailty when i want to be perceived as "strong"
do i smile because i know eventually whatever is hurting will stop and my smile will be genuine again
do i smile so that no one will ask me if everything is okay
i dunno....probably a little bit of all the above
lately there have been peaks and valleys
life always is full of curves and straight aways
i think the past year has taught me that life is never going to be what you expect and you can only control so much and yet control nothing at all
there are only a few things in life that are guarantees and we all know what those are
what i have learned is that you have to keep going forward
you can't quit
on all the days when i want to sit and cry and scream how unfair things can be
i realize that's not an option
as much as i would love to stay on my couch in my magical robe
i know its not healthy
but its human
its human to want to retreat
to want to lick your wounds
to want a new strategy
its human to not have it all together
its human to not always be strong
its human to cry
its human to feel life and struggles are not always fair
its human to feel
its human to hurt
its human to not want to smile
so hello my name is April and i am a human
*this blog return was requested by KSN...you're welcome lol
