What the BLOG

SO I asked my coworker for a topic to write about for my blog today
he said Love and Forgiveness

and i immediately said NO that's stupid
i dont want to talk about that or write about that

last night at Womens small group
what did we talk about ..repentance and forgiveness and apologizing and saying we are sorry

it sounds so good it sounds so easy
but right now im mad at someone and i dont want to be the bigger person

i dont want to apologize for my petty behavior and silent treatment which I am VERY good at
i dont want to apply all the things I learn in Church about being a good Christian and being the first one to say sorry even if it's not your  fault or even when it is

I don't want to say I am sorry for any part I may have played in this
I don't
I don't
I don't

now that i say that and write it-i sound like a petulant child
BUT when you are in the midst of all your wrongness and you are stubborn you don't care

you rationalize things by saying its not your fault its the others
you say well i want them to think about what they said or did

you want them to feel an inkling of how they made you feel
it sounds a bit like an eye for an eye

which once again convicts me because i KNOW BETTER
that's not how i am raised and not what i believe

i was raised  to love and to forgive
treat others the way you want to be treated

as a Christian you want God to forgive you for all the mistakes you make and the wrong you do
and yet the ones closest to us
it is SO hard to let stuff go

its a sin i know
and how can we want others to forgive us when we dont want to offer a genuine forgiveness or when we have a selfish heart

shouldnt we want to have a quick heart to forgive
shouldnt we have a heart so full of love that we forgive over and over
especially to the ones we love
 you cant say you love someone and not forgive

you can't say you love someone and be slow to forgive
and what is LOVE

LOVE is GOD
and God is LOVE

so when you LOVE and are in LOVE you make God happy as he sees himself in you and your actions
its not about religion that is man made its about the more abstract

God doesn't ask us for much and his greatest rule or commandment is to LOVE

that's it
to LOVE

and LOVE encompasses so much

LOVE=forgiveness
LOVE=humility
LOVE=compassion
LOVE=understanding
LOVE=listening
LOVE=tenderness
LOVE=happy
LOVE=sad
LOVE is..................................

update from me on my by me

i figured i better write a few words before certain people started complaining or others thought my blog got shut down

its been a minute, life is still good, life is GREAT....
one of my supreme besties and sister from another mister got engaged on Valentine's Day and the other part of the triple threat is now expecting baby numero DOS

for most women their initial thoughts are never putting someone else's happiness first but my heart literally swelled in their exciting news and life changing moments

i can't think of any two more deserving women than Coco and Kelz and yes i am biased because they are my sisters but still

I am excited for Summer 2015 for Kellee and 2016 for Court...life changes but I have realized that as life changes, life gets sweeter and we grow and we learn and we become better people..or at least we should

our paths and obstacles define us in so much as we either learn from them and dance to a different beat or we continue to take the path of thorny bushes and difficulty

i look forward to the new adventures our trio will have ...kids and spouses are a new dynamic but it gives us another common ground and another strand in our relationship that further strengthens us

a lesson i have learned and its about putting it into practice is being able to say I am sorry

pride is such an evil and ugly disease but when you hurt someone you have to be able to step aside for a moment and swallow it and say you are sorry
its not easy but if your heart is in the right place and that person is truly in your heart then just say it
because as Maya Angelou said people may forget all the things you do for them but people will NEVER forget how you make them feel

i want people to feel that i treated them with respect and love and kind heartedness

ok short blog two different topics but hey im out of practice
adios

and of out nowhere HERE i am

So I was in the gym this morning and I saw the corniest commercial and in the spirit of Kellee who always asks me to write a funny blog here it goes.

As we get closer to the ever romantic holiday of VALENTINE'S DAY-the commercials have begun wtih what to get and what she will love

from the .."He went to Jared's " commercials to the "A Diamond is forever" ones-to the EXTREME and EXTREMELY bad commercial i saw today

I am sorry Vermont Teddy Bears BUT I am NOT and DO not want a LIFE SIZED teddy bear
i am good and dang on grown

i saw that commercial and not only did i almost fall off the treadmill and not from lack of coordination but in awe at the BAD direction that tv media was giving men

they even had a woman standing there with a low cut tank top and clearly a push up bra with a box of chocolates and she looks at them and throws them down in disgust WHICH folks lets pause for a moment..no woman EVER has thrown out chocolote that is just nothing short of Jihad

and in the next moment she tosses the flowers in the trash and then her goofy boyfriend comes in with a lifesized teddy bear and her face lights up

if this is not some delusional crazy i don't know what is

it was sad and i sincerely hope that no man who thinks in the darkest of corners of his man brain that giving a GROWN woman a massive teddy bear or a teddy bear in general once you are out of high school will score you anymore than a night alone and possibly a ticket to the freeway of being SINGLE is sadly mistaken


SO I know the argument could be wow that sounds ungrateful and its the thought that counts
well guess what HAD a guy given it some thought #1 he would know his partner and #2 he would have THOUGHT better than to buy a stupid teddy bear for her to do what with-lay and lounge on like its a bean bag

this whole commercial makes me roll my eyes with irritation

ok that's all
that is my vent for today
i am stepping off my soapbox

Joshua 1:9

Where do I begin
So I just left church and I am filled with excitement and exuberance and focus.

I never blog about my spiritual heart or that side of me and it's not that I am ashamed or try to hide it, but generally I like my blogs to be funny and light, although this year who knows maybe every once in awhile I will truly speak from my heart and from my core and at my core is God.

For a long time, I tried to live my life based on what seemed good or right and sometimes life was good and right but there were times and there were situations that were challenging and I honestly did not know how I would ever get through them.

I grew up going to church, I had a few Bible verses memorized, I was known to frequent churches and make some obligatory visits mainly to say I went and to appease my mother, BUT

the past few years-I had some challenges, life threw me some real curveballs and I realized I could not rely on luck or good planning to make the changes I needed and to live a full life and a life worth living.

It took me going to a few churches, it took me finding a church that stripped down the fancy talk, the high-level speaking, the long services, and the "show" and went back to the basics of teaching not just what the Bible says but how it applies to MY life and so that when I walk out the doors, I have application steps and guidance to leading a blessed life.

I pray-I'm not afraid to say I pray, people who are still growing may not realize when in a moment of panic or a moment of stress when they say pray for me, that counts too but i have grown to a place where i dont just pray in the dark hours but i pray to say thank you and i pray to acknowledge all that is good in my life and i pray to appreciate the lessons i learn and the love i receive on a regular basis from the AMAZING people who are in my life, people who are in my life not because of chance but because of his design

i must admit i have an ALL STAR team-I have a great group of MVP's in my life

so tonight when Pastor Lon put up Joshua 1:9 I read it and it was like something hit me
let me pause here and say I always kinda gave the side eye when people say they got a clear message from God or they just knew BUT I will say this-I read the scripture and my eyes lit up and I dug in my suticase of a purse for a pen and I wrote it down

the ONE verse spoke volumes-it was as if it was my MANTRA for 2015
I read it over and thought man-I am excited-I"m excited for what it says, for what it means, and for how it will apply

Joshua 1:9 says this : 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” 

From a normal level-this verse says April 2015 is your YEAR-go forth and conquer! God is telling me to set goals (whether fitness, whether spiritual growth, or even financial) or maybe ALL of them but to FOCUS and step out and make these things happen..

God is telling me to take command of my life and my world and reach for the stars because he is with me and with him all things are possible..

This message is so perfect-here it is the beginning of the new year the start of a new week-here is a chance to think about what I want and what I want to do and get that kind of pep talk.... top that!!!


Anyhow-I hope for all of you as this year starts and you lay out your vision and goals for 2015 you have something to believe in and something to hope for and something that keeps you going...to think you can do it on your own or your own accord..you will wind up short you will hit another wall, you will continue to stumble aimlessly like i used to

and while religion is restrictive God is not 
its simple, it simply starts by saying i believe and i want to know and grow and i want an amazing life 
and know you cant do it on your own...you need something to hold on to when times get rough and friends are gone...

ok sorry for the sermon :) 

new year

it seems only fitting that on the first day of the new year i finally dust off the blog and say a few obligatory words about how 2014 is now behind us and talk about all the great goals and plans for 2015 that i have
BUT I'm not

I will say 2014 was a year of monumental growth and a lot of introspection, 2014 was a pivotal year and I would not change anything that occurred in it because at the end of it, 2014 set me up to go into this new year with new perspective and changed and position to be a better person, a better mother, a better woman

i could count all my "obstacles" or what some might define as "failures" but they were opportunities for me to learn and for me grow and i am not my shortcomings, well I own them and they are part of who I am but they are not ALL of who I am.

I spent a lot of the last year wrestling with others perceptions and opinions and tackling a few of my own insecurities and i realize now i am no longer a girl and no longer a young girl who needs to cave to societal expectations I am a WOMAN a woman capable of defining herself and determining what fits and does not fit in my life.  I realize I pray and answer to God and not media influence and not my peers.  I have realized that having my spiritual foundation keeps my life on track and provides stability in this world that is filled with such CHAOS.

2014 went out and I had no regrets and I did not have any plans to go to the gym more or any extreme or unreasonable resolutions, my plan for 2015 is to continue to love with all my heart, to smile from deep within my core, to give genuinely or not at all, to make choices that make me happy and keep an open mind and open heart for all that love and life has to give

so happy new year

the day before

as i sit here the day before, well more the evening before my 33rd birthday i think about this past year i think about what 32 was like and what i learned and whether i am wiser now

32 was crazy hectic and amazing
one constant is my delightful daughter
i sat this morning as she slept in my arms and i was still awed by the fact that I have a daughter
i have a healthy and perfect daughter

i moved AGAIN just a mere few weeks ago and while 32 seemed to be full of a lot of transition and new beginnings 33 is looking like a year of settling in and defining me

32 seemed to be a year of stepping out sometimes on faith sometimes on fear and gumption

i learned to not be so quick to react and at times to wait it out and respond with kindness and humility

i spent the past year thinking that if i know what i am going through and how i feel why would i assume that others are not too fighting some type of battle and do i need to be a jerk or should i treat them the way that i like to be treated

i'm a mom, i'm a mom with a sidekick
i realized this morning i can take some life lessons from my 3 year old

#1-nothing fixes a tough situation like a cuddle- hug it out..get close-you cant stay mad that way
#2-say i love you and say it often-you can never hear i love you enough and its nice to know where you stand with someone
#3-sometimes a good cry is needed to vent and clear your mind and then MOVE ON
#4-have a time table but leave room for flexibility-in life being rigid will get you nowhere so save room for that running behind and being okay with it

those are just a few but im sure i can look at my child and my interaction with my child and learn more
she's passionate and empathetic and i LOVE that about her
she doesnt apologize for being who she is and neither shall i
relationships-ha ive evolved in that department and the lesson i have learned is that while its nice to share-keep some things for yourself

dont live your life and relationship publicly like its a reality show unless you want all the scrutiny and opinion of others

the most important lesson i have learned this past year is that when you pray  and say than you to God-good things happen, good people come in your life, your smiles are endless.

so here's to another year, another year of love, laughter, and happiness

neglect of the blog

can't remember the last time i wrote

as i sit here now in my rocking chair while my munchkin sleeps i keep saying what should i write about

do i write something funny, serious, or maybe in between

looking at jordan and hearing her snore lightly 

part of me thinks of all the things i could be doing, i could run by my old apartment and get my clothes for work or i could take a nap with her

but maybe i should and maybe i will just sit and be calm

maybe i should enjoy the time of not having to really be anywhere or do anything other than be me

so often during the week its busy this and busy that and we long for quiet moments

as a mom we often crave a time to ourselves when the kids are quiet and safe and we can have "our"time -so i guess this is my time

and i can use it to troll the net or whatever i choose

sometimes i come up with these lists of what i want to accomplish in a day for example today i thought get up go to church, get lunch, then nap, unpack more, and then do jordan's hair

then i revised to getting our toes done, then lunch, then nap, then hair

and eventually or what i actually did was unpack more, then lunch, now nap and hopefully after i can wash/do her hair THEN pack some more (ie grab my hanging clothes or work) and get back home

funny how we make a schedule and sometimes we follow it and sometimes we don't 

maybe the lesson or the parallel in this is how we try to plan out our lives we have an idea of what we want to happen when and how we want it to happen but God has his plan and when we are met with obstacles, resistance, or failures and disappointments instead of embracing it and seeing it as a course correction or the opportunity to find a new path, we often stop right there and wallow and try to figure out why our way isnt working

i say this now although i think i am generally a pretty optimistic person

i try to find the good out of situations

i take my moment to have my pity party sure but then i say if this is the situation how can i make it the best situation with what i have

from the insignificant things like today not getting all the things i wanted to get done-DONE 

to some of the larger life interruptions ie my marital status changes

i read an article yesterday in HuffPost about the misconceptions about Divorcees 

there were some myths that i think i too am sensitive to because i know people assume it

one being that i dont believe in the institution of marriage or that i see divorce as a solution or a quick fix

i am the BIGGEST proponent of marriage, not the wedding and the outward(which are nice and fairytale-ish) but I believe in MARRIAGE i believe in the sacrament and sanctity of marriage, i believe in partnership and commitment of two people, i wholeheartedly do. i grew up witnessing a long strong union and that is what i have always strived for

and i also never advocate divorce, i have friends who have gone through it and i feel like its my duty to offer whatever advice i can and suggestions to "trying to fix it or did you try" and never would i ever say divorce is easy or the best solution, its painful, it hurts, and while sometimes you have to rip the band aid off to allow a wound to heal, divorce is a gaping wound

BUT i look where my life is today versus a year ago 

or i look at how each day got easier and i look at how can i learn from this and how do i work with the current pieces

despite knowing how society views me or my choices i have to say April how do YOU view yourself? How does your child view you? How does your family view you? 

AM i happy with myself? The answer is YES

so while i had to have a redirect-i am taking it in stride and making lemon martinis out of the lemons