Joshua 1:9

Where do I begin
So I just left church and I am filled with excitement and exuberance and focus.

I never blog about my spiritual heart or that side of me and it's not that I am ashamed or try to hide it, but generally I like my blogs to be funny and light, although this year who knows maybe every once in awhile I will truly speak from my heart and from my core and at my core is God.

For a long time, I tried to live my life based on what seemed good or right and sometimes life was good and right but there were times and there were situations that were challenging and I honestly did not know how I would ever get through them.

I grew up going to church, I had a few Bible verses memorized, I was known to frequent churches and make some obligatory visits mainly to say I went and to appease my mother, BUT

the past few years-I had some challenges, life threw me some real curveballs and I realized I could not rely on luck or good planning to make the changes I needed and to live a full life and a life worth living.

It took me going to a few churches, it took me finding a church that stripped down the fancy talk, the high-level speaking, the long services, and the "show" and went back to the basics of teaching not just what the Bible says but how it applies to MY life and so that when I walk out the doors, I have application steps and guidance to leading a blessed life.

I pray-I'm not afraid to say I pray, people who are still growing may not realize when in a moment of panic or a moment of stress when they say pray for me, that counts too but i have grown to a place where i dont just pray in the dark hours but i pray to say thank you and i pray to acknowledge all that is good in my life and i pray to appreciate the lessons i learn and the love i receive on a regular basis from the AMAZING people who are in my life, people who are in my life not because of chance but because of his design

i must admit i have an ALL STAR team-I have a great group of MVP's in my life

so tonight when Pastor Lon put up Joshua 1:9 I read it and it was like something hit me
let me pause here and say I always kinda gave the side eye when people say they got a clear message from God or they just knew BUT I will say this-I read the scripture and my eyes lit up and I dug in my suticase of a purse for a pen and I wrote it down

the ONE verse spoke volumes-it was as if it was my MANTRA for 2015
I read it over and thought man-I am excited-I"m excited for what it says, for what it means, and for how it will apply

Joshua 1:9 says this : 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” 

From a normal level-this verse says April 2015 is your YEAR-go forth and conquer! God is telling me to set goals (whether fitness, whether spiritual growth, or even financial) or maybe ALL of them but to FOCUS and step out and make these things happen..

God is telling me to take command of my life and my world and reach for the stars because he is with me and with him all things are possible..

This message is so perfect-here it is the beginning of the new year the start of a new week-here is a chance to think about what I want and what I want to do and get that kind of pep talk.... top that!!!


Anyhow-I hope for all of you as this year starts and you lay out your vision and goals for 2015 you have something to believe in and something to hope for and something that keeps you going...to think you can do it on your own or your own accord..you will wind up short you will hit another wall, you will continue to stumble aimlessly like i used to

and while religion is restrictive God is not 
its simple, it simply starts by saying i believe and i want to know and grow and i want an amazing life 
and know you cant do it on your own...you need something to hold on to when times get rough and friends are gone...

ok sorry for the sermon :) 

new year

it seems only fitting that on the first day of the new year i finally dust off the blog and say a few obligatory words about how 2014 is now behind us and talk about all the great goals and plans for 2015 that i have
BUT I'm not

I will say 2014 was a year of monumental growth and a lot of introspection, 2014 was a pivotal year and I would not change anything that occurred in it because at the end of it, 2014 set me up to go into this new year with new perspective and changed and position to be a better person, a better mother, a better woman

i could count all my "obstacles" or what some might define as "failures" but they were opportunities for me to learn and for me grow and i am not my shortcomings, well I own them and they are part of who I am but they are not ALL of who I am.

I spent a lot of the last year wrestling with others perceptions and opinions and tackling a few of my own insecurities and i realize now i am no longer a girl and no longer a young girl who needs to cave to societal expectations I am a WOMAN a woman capable of defining herself and determining what fits and does not fit in my life.  I realize I pray and answer to God and not media influence and not my peers.  I have realized that having my spiritual foundation keeps my life on track and provides stability in this world that is filled with such CHAOS.

2014 went out and I had no regrets and I did not have any plans to go to the gym more or any extreme or unreasonable resolutions, my plan for 2015 is to continue to love with all my heart, to smile from deep within my core, to give genuinely or not at all, to make choices that make me happy and keep an open mind and open heart for all that love and life has to give

so happy new year

the day before

as i sit here the day before, well more the evening before my 33rd birthday i think about this past year i think about what 32 was like and what i learned and whether i am wiser now

32 was crazy hectic and amazing
one constant is my delightful daughter
i sat this morning as she slept in my arms and i was still awed by the fact that I have a daughter
i have a healthy and perfect daughter

i moved AGAIN just a mere few weeks ago and while 32 seemed to be full of a lot of transition and new beginnings 33 is looking like a year of settling in and defining me

32 seemed to be a year of stepping out sometimes on faith sometimes on fear and gumption

i learned to not be so quick to react and at times to wait it out and respond with kindness and humility

i spent the past year thinking that if i know what i am going through and how i feel why would i assume that others are not too fighting some type of battle and do i need to be a jerk or should i treat them the way that i like to be treated

i'm a mom, i'm a mom with a sidekick
i realized this morning i can take some life lessons from my 3 year old

#1-nothing fixes a tough situation like a cuddle- hug it out..get close-you cant stay mad that way
#2-say i love you and say it often-you can never hear i love you enough and its nice to know where you stand with someone
#3-sometimes a good cry is needed to vent and clear your mind and then MOVE ON
#4-have a time table but leave room for flexibility-in life being rigid will get you nowhere so save room for that running behind and being okay with it

those are just a few but im sure i can look at my child and my interaction with my child and learn more
she's passionate and empathetic and i LOVE that about her
she doesnt apologize for being who she is and neither shall i
relationships-ha ive evolved in that department and the lesson i have learned is that while its nice to share-keep some things for yourself

dont live your life and relationship publicly like its a reality show unless you want all the scrutiny and opinion of others

the most important lesson i have learned this past year is that when you pray  and say than you to God-good things happen, good people come in your life, your smiles are endless.

so here's to another year, another year of love, laughter, and happiness

neglect of the blog

can't remember the last time i wrote

as i sit here now in my rocking chair while my munchkin sleeps i keep saying what should i write about

do i write something funny, serious, or maybe in between

looking at jordan and hearing her snore lightly 

part of me thinks of all the things i could be doing, i could run by my old apartment and get my clothes for work or i could take a nap with her

but maybe i should and maybe i will just sit and be calm

maybe i should enjoy the time of not having to really be anywhere or do anything other than be me

so often during the week its busy this and busy that and we long for quiet moments

as a mom we often crave a time to ourselves when the kids are quiet and safe and we can have "our"time -so i guess this is my time

and i can use it to troll the net or whatever i choose

sometimes i come up with these lists of what i want to accomplish in a day for example today i thought get up go to church, get lunch, then nap, unpack more, and then do jordan's hair

then i revised to getting our toes done, then lunch, then nap, then hair

and eventually or what i actually did was unpack more, then lunch, now nap and hopefully after i can wash/do her hair THEN pack some more (ie grab my hanging clothes or work) and get back home

funny how we make a schedule and sometimes we follow it and sometimes we don't 

maybe the lesson or the parallel in this is how we try to plan out our lives we have an idea of what we want to happen when and how we want it to happen but God has his plan and when we are met with obstacles, resistance, or failures and disappointments instead of embracing it and seeing it as a course correction or the opportunity to find a new path, we often stop right there and wallow and try to figure out why our way isnt working

i say this now although i think i am generally a pretty optimistic person

i try to find the good out of situations

i take my moment to have my pity party sure but then i say if this is the situation how can i make it the best situation with what i have

from the insignificant things like today not getting all the things i wanted to get done-DONE 

to some of the larger life interruptions ie my marital status changes

i read an article yesterday in HuffPost about the misconceptions about Divorcees 

there were some myths that i think i too am sensitive to because i know people assume it

one being that i dont believe in the institution of marriage or that i see divorce as a solution or a quick fix

i am the BIGGEST proponent of marriage, not the wedding and the outward(which are nice and fairytale-ish) but I believe in MARRIAGE i believe in the sacrament and sanctity of marriage, i believe in partnership and commitment of two people, i wholeheartedly do. i grew up witnessing a long strong union and that is what i have always strived for

and i also never advocate divorce, i have friends who have gone through it and i feel like its my duty to offer whatever advice i can and suggestions to "trying to fix it or did you try" and never would i ever say divorce is easy or the best solution, its painful, it hurts, and while sometimes you have to rip the band aid off to allow a wound to heal, divorce is a gaping wound

BUT i look where my life is today versus a year ago 

or i look at how each day got easier and i look at how can i learn from this and how do i work with the current pieces

despite knowing how society views me or my choices i have to say April how do YOU view yourself? How does your child view you? How does your family view you? 

AM i happy with myself? The answer is YES

so while i had to have a redirect-i am taking it in stride and making lemon martinis out of the lemons

 

i'm not bitter

i have so many reasons to be bitter
i have plenty of reasons to be an ANGRY cruel woman

but i'm not
and that's not me

situation has given me SO many opportunities to turn the ship toward choppy waters
and make this mountain a hard grueling climb

and sometimes i wait for the switch to flip

tonight i realized not only is that NOT me but that's not what my spiritual foundation will allow or what it teaches me

am i disappointed-YES
would i like things to be different-UNDOUBTEDLY

but reality is-its NOT
and the reality is i can take the high road
or i can take the easy statistical road and role and play it til the wheels fall off

tonight as i stood in my kitchen with my BEAUTIFUL sweet daughter
and her dad was at Target picking up some items for her and calling us as he tried to pick out the perfect halloween costume
i had an epiphany

by so many standards
by so many opinions
perspectives
and normal thinking thoughts

a dad looks and should be a certain way
a dad has certain obligations
and duties to fulfill

but what i realized is that people love and people exist within their own ambiguous and undefined set of limitations and rules

we are quick to place our perspective and our optic on to others and expect them to do and be as we would like or we would hope or as we ourselves would be

in reality human nature is unpredictable AT BEST
sure most people are creatures of habits
and pass behavior is the best predictor for future behavior

HOWEVER
some people operate within their own set of limits and to the best of their ability
sometimes that does not meet our standard
occasionally and rarely it exceeds our standard

but when it doesnt it is SO easy to go down a path of anger and disappointment
chalked full of HOW COULD THEY or
IF I WERE THEM
or I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW IT IS NOT CLEAR AS A DAY

but the bottom line and the end of the day story
is we are all made uniquely and that includes the good, the bad, and the ugly

so while we can want something for someone and see a clear path for them to take
its not our road to travel
they arent our shoes to wear
and you NEVER EVER EVER know what demons someone is facing
you DO NOT understand the choices one makes
or if they are already operating within parameters that they cannot redefine or escape

this is not a cop out or making excuses for those who fall short of our "expectations"
because once you see a cheetahs spots you know subsequently that they are indeed a cat
BUT its a pick your battles and live your life around that cheetah or exit the jungle

give people grace and forgiveness

that does not mean enable and forget
but some people are truly doing the best they can with the coping mechanisms currently in place

its not your job t o judge or change someone
the best examples in life are not the words or advice you give someone

but its walking the walk
and leading by example

so the next time i "wish" things were different
i will stop
and pause and remember things are the way
they are for a reason

for me to learn
for me to grow
for me to have patience
and so many attributes and strengths that often are fostered out of a difficult situation

the wine train continues

tonight on my wine train i have stopped at the Shiraz stop
its not as sweet as the german Gewurtraminer but its got a nice thing going

so today is a combo of mixed thoughts and incomplete blog ideas

i spent my weekend stinky on the couch like a bum
im talking sweats and big socks and i can only attest to brushing my teeth and deodorant
but after a day of allowing my child to indulge in countless episodes of stella and sam and dora and big dora and misc other kids shows
i can say i am current on season 3 of scandal

now while i was a fan of scandal and i thought man this show is good and addressing one of the many big elephants in this very racist world
by episode 14 i was greatly annoyed
so as i look at this incredibly smart woman
a woman who is walking the halls of the white house and associating with some of the most corrupt and highest officials in the free world
and yet she is fundamentally a chick or maybe a guy who thinks and bases her decisions off of hormones like she's 16

because lets bring it back to reality, olivia pope julia baker whomever

you will never ever be more than the help to the president
you may be the best mistress ever
you may be the ultimate side piece but you will never be THE FIRST LADY
and the fact that you can't keep your legs closed is getting OLD

the fact that you are sleeping with Fitz and then on the weekends with Jake-I mean come on broad enough is enough

make a mistake once
have a slip up twice but for 3 seasons this is your M.O
i can't buy it
and as corrupt and sadistic as her Dad -Rowan is at the core of his evil he wants to remove his daughter from a situation that clearly she can't think clearly about
ok that's my rant on scandal
im not sure where this show is going but they can't dance around her being a well dressed and articulate concubine for another season

so next topic
last week at work i was in our operations center and i walked in and i walked past a woman and she turns to the guy across from her and goes omg she is so pretty
and it got me thinking
for a lot of folks they would have been on a high
and dont get me wrong it made my day
but i am what i like to think of as a humble woman and i am a woman through and through with insecurities and imperfections
and while confidence i do have and its a nice cape to wear
i think as women we are always our worst critics

but the encounter got me thinking perception versus reality
often we see people and we impose on them how we think they think say or feel about various situations
we see what appears to be a confident woman and we think oh she thinks she is better than or she probably hears she is gorgeous all the time
and in reality that woman may be fighting the biggest demons
i hear all the time women who say to me
id love to be your size or they comment on my "perfect" body
but there is not a moment when i look in the mirror and see "that"

im a woman and when i look in the mirror
i see areas i need to work on
i see my flaws
things i'd like to change
and so while yes its flattering to hear flattery
it not for one moment goes to my head
i am the one who finds the beauty in everyone and everything and not just by conventional definitions
i think i am not what people expect or perceive

so anyhow enough writing
my sidekick is still up and tomorrow is a school day and i have already missed the window for showering ALTHOUGH i did do her hair lol
sigh
i realized i am that mom who is very go with the flow
on some things i am less pressured and others more rigid but the fact that at 8:09 she is in front of the tv....its just for tonight
live and love
today was a great day
wonderful memories
lots of love
wouldnt change a thing for the word

and i want to give a special shot out (lol) to MY mom who is being the best Gigi ever and i love her and Grampy not that you are second but you both are SO special to me
i love you-we love you-thank you

shiraz is GONE

you were my first

a new experience
an opportunity to try something new

so long ago and yet like yesterday
a lot has changed
many things are the same

a level of comfort
a sense of familiarity

a puzzle piece that just fits
a question that does not require an answer

a rainbow amidst a stormy sky
an oasis in the middle of a desert

butterflies were aflutter
nerves were at an all time high

the mind of a dreamer
the heart of a romantic lover

awakened at the prospect
thrilled by the maybe

seas are ever changing
two boats drifted in the night

the water became choppy
perfect storms arose

eventually seas were calm
the sun began to shine
life began to awaken

second time around
just as sweet

maybe sweeter

no longer a new experience

now a familiar ride down memory lane
nostalgic and safe

live life grow change

wine gets better with time

great stories can be written

memories and amazing lives unfold

perfect people exist in utopia

the right people exist in reality

first means once, a one time opportunity

no repeats

no do overs


a phoenix rises out of the ashes

out of the dust to reveal

a magnificent bird

out of the old

sometimes a new beginning is found


you were my first......................