neglect of the blog

can't remember the last time i wrote

as i sit here now in my rocking chair while my munchkin sleeps i keep saying what should i write about

do i write something funny, serious, or maybe in between

looking at jordan and hearing her snore lightly 

part of me thinks of all the things i could be doing, i could run by my old apartment and get my clothes for work or i could take a nap with her

but maybe i should and maybe i will just sit and be calm

maybe i should enjoy the time of not having to really be anywhere or do anything other than be me

so often during the week its busy this and busy that and we long for quiet moments

as a mom we often crave a time to ourselves when the kids are quiet and safe and we can have "our"time -so i guess this is my time

and i can use it to troll the net or whatever i choose

sometimes i come up with these lists of what i want to accomplish in a day for example today i thought get up go to church, get lunch, then nap, unpack more, and then do jordan's hair

then i revised to getting our toes done, then lunch, then nap, then hair

and eventually or what i actually did was unpack more, then lunch, now nap and hopefully after i can wash/do her hair THEN pack some more (ie grab my hanging clothes or work) and get back home

funny how we make a schedule and sometimes we follow it and sometimes we don't 

maybe the lesson or the parallel in this is how we try to plan out our lives we have an idea of what we want to happen when and how we want it to happen but God has his plan and when we are met with obstacles, resistance, or failures and disappointments instead of embracing it and seeing it as a course correction or the opportunity to find a new path, we often stop right there and wallow and try to figure out why our way isnt working

i say this now although i think i am generally a pretty optimistic person

i try to find the good out of situations

i take my moment to have my pity party sure but then i say if this is the situation how can i make it the best situation with what i have

from the insignificant things like today not getting all the things i wanted to get done-DONE 

to some of the larger life interruptions ie my marital status changes

i read an article yesterday in HuffPost about the misconceptions about Divorcees 

there were some myths that i think i too am sensitive to because i know people assume it

one being that i dont believe in the institution of marriage or that i see divorce as a solution or a quick fix

i am the BIGGEST proponent of marriage, not the wedding and the outward(which are nice and fairytale-ish) but I believe in MARRIAGE i believe in the sacrament and sanctity of marriage, i believe in partnership and commitment of two people, i wholeheartedly do. i grew up witnessing a long strong union and that is what i have always strived for

and i also never advocate divorce, i have friends who have gone through it and i feel like its my duty to offer whatever advice i can and suggestions to "trying to fix it or did you try" and never would i ever say divorce is easy or the best solution, its painful, it hurts, and while sometimes you have to rip the band aid off to allow a wound to heal, divorce is a gaping wound

BUT i look where my life is today versus a year ago 

or i look at how each day got easier and i look at how can i learn from this and how do i work with the current pieces

despite knowing how society views me or my choices i have to say April how do YOU view yourself? How does your child view you? How does your family view you? 

AM i happy with myself? The answer is YES

so while i had to have a redirect-i am taking it in stride and making lemon martinis out of the lemons

 

i'm not bitter

i have so many reasons to be bitter
i have plenty of reasons to be an ANGRY cruel woman

but i'm not
and that's not me

situation has given me SO many opportunities to turn the ship toward choppy waters
and make this mountain a hard grueling climb

and sometimes i wait for the switch to flip

tonight i realized not only is that NOT me but that's not what my spiritual foundation will allow or what it teaches me

am i disappointed-YES
would i like things to be different-UNDOUBTEDLY

but reality is-its NOT
and the reality is i can take the high road
or i can take the easy statistical road and role and play it til the wheels fall off

tonight as i stood in my kitchen with my BEAUTIFUL sweet daughter
and her dad was at Target picking up some items for her and calling us as he tried to pick out the perfect halloween costume
i had an epiphany

by so many standards
by so many opinions
perspectives
and normal thinking thoughts

a dad looks and should be a certain way
a dad has certain obligations
and duties to fulfill

but what i realized is that people love and people exist within their own ambiguous and undefined set of limitations and rules

we are quick to place our perspective and our optic on to others and expect them to do and be as we would like or we would hope or as we ourselves would be

in reality human nature is unpredictable AT BEST
sure most people are creatures of habits
and pass behavior is the best predictor for future behavior

HOWEVER
some people operate within their own set of limits and to the best of their ability
sometimes that does not meet our standard
occasionally and rarely it exceeds our standard

but when it doesnt it is SO easy to go down a path of anger and disappointment
chalked full of HOW COULD THEY or
IF I WERE THEM
or I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW IT IS NOT CLEAR AS A DAY

but the bottom line and the end of the day story
is we are all made uniquely and that includes the good, the bad, and the ugly

so while we can want something for someone and see a clear path for them to take
its not our road to travel
they arent our shoes to wear
and you NEVER EVER EVER know what demons someone is facing
you DO NOT understand the choices one makes
or if they are already operating within parameters that they cannot redefine or escape

this is not a cop out or making excuses for those who fall short of our "expectations"
because once you see a cheetahs spots you know subsequently that they are indeed a cat
BUT its a pick your battles and live your life around that cheetah or exit the jungle

give people grace and forgiveness

that does not mean enable and forget
but some people are truly doing the best they can with the coping mechanisms currently in place

its not your job t o judge or change someone
the best examples in life are not the words or advice you give someone

but its walking the walk
and leading by example

so the next time i "wish" things were different
i will stop
and pause and remember things are the way
they are for a reason

for me to learn
for me to grow
for me to have patience
and so many attributes and strengths that often are fostered out of a difficult situation

the wine train continues

tonight on my wine train i have stopped at the Shiraz stop
its not as sweet as the german Gewurtraminer but its got a nice thing going

so today is a combo of mixed thoughts and incomplete blog ideas

i spent my weekend stinky on the couch like a bum
im talking sweats and big socks and i can only attest to brushing my teeth and deodorant
but after a day of allowing my child to indulge in countless episodes of stella and sam and dora and big dora and misc other kids shows
i can say i am current on season 3 of scandal

now while i was a fan of scandal and i thought man this show is good and addressing one of the many big elephants in this very racist world
by episode 14 i was greatly annoyed
so as i look at this incredibly smart woman
a woman who is walking the halls of the white house and associating with some of the most corrupt and highest officials in the free world
and yet she is fundamentally a chick or maybe a guy who thinks and bases her decisions off of hormones like she's 16

because lets bring it back to reality, olivia pope julia baker whomever

you will never ever be more than the help to the president
you may be the best mistress ever
you may be the ultimate side piece but you will never be THE FIRST LADY
and the fact that you can't keep your legs closed is getting OLD

the fact that you are sleeping with Fitz and then on the weekends with Jake-I mean come on broad enough is enough

make a mistake once
have a slip up twice but for 3 seasons this is your M.O
i can't buy it
and as corrupt and sadistic as her Dad -Rowan is at the core of his evil he wants to remove his daughter from a situation that clearly she can't think clearly about
ok that's my rant on scandal
im not sure where this show is going but they can't dance around her being a well dressed and articulate concubine for another season

so next topic
last week at work i was in our operations center and i walked in and i walked past a woman and she turns to the guy across from her and goes omg she is so pretty
and it got me thinking
for a lot of folks they would have been on a high
and dont get me wrong it made my day
but i am what i like to think of as a humble woman and i am a woman through and through with insecurities and imperfections
and while confidence i do have and its a nice cape to wear
i think as women we are always our worst critics

but the encounter got me thinking perception versus reality
often we see people and we impose on them how we think they think say or feel about various situations
we see what appears to be a confident woman and we think oh she thinks she is better than or she probably hears she is gorgeous all the time
and in reality that woman may be fighting the biggest demons
i hear all the time women who say to me
id love to be your size or they comment on my "perfect" body
but there is not a moment when i look in the mirror and see "that"

im a woman and when i look in the mirror
i see areas i need to work on
i see my flaws
things i'd like to change
and so while yes its flattering to hear flattery
it not for one moment goes to my head
i am the one who finds the beauty in everyone and everything and not just by conventional definitions
i think i am not what people expect or perceive

so anyhow enough writing
my sidekick is still up and tomorrow is a school day and i have already missed the window for showering ALTHOUGH i did do her hair lol
sigh
i realized i am that mom who is very go with the flow
on some things i am less pressured and others more rigid but the fact that at 8:09 she is in front of the tv....its just for tonight
live and love
today was a great day
wonderful memories
lots of love
wouldnt change a thing for the word

and i want to give a special shot out (lol) to MY mom who is being the best Gigi ever and i love her and Grampy not that you are second but you both are SO special to me
i love you-we love you-thank you

shiraz is GONE

you were my first

a new experience
an opportunity to try something new

so long ago and yet like yesterday
a lot has changed
many things are the same

a level of comfort
a sense of familiarity

a puzzle piece that just fits
a question that does not require an answer

a rainbow amidst a stormy sky
an oasis in the middle of a desert

butterflies were aflutter
nerves were at an all time high

the mind of a dreamer
the heart of a romantic lover

awakened at the prospect
thrilled by the maybe

seas are ever changing
two boats drifted in the night

the water became choppy
perfect storms arose

eventually seas were calm
the sun began to shine
life began to awaken

second time around
just as sweet

maybe sweeter

no longer a new experience

now a familiar ride down memory lane
nostalgic and safe

live life grow change

wine gets better with time

great stories can be written

memories and amazing lives unfold

perfect people exist in utopia

the right people exist in reality

first means once, a one time opportunity

no repeats

no do overs


a phoenix rises out of the ashes

out of the dust to reveal

a magnificent bird

out of the old

sometimes a new beginning is found


you were my first......................

life is good

sunday reflections

while i did not find myself inside a conventional place of worship that did not stop me from marveling at the beauty around me and the many gifts that God gives us and me in particular

today was a day where i was just at peace
i was calm cool and collected

okay admittedly i did have to use my sharp tone with my child once or twice but at the end of the day she and i had a great time and the throw up has since been cleaned up out of her car seat

i feel there are so many hurdles that pop up to test me and *sidebar minime just climbed up on the couch besides me and lay her head on my shoulder and kissed me*
life is SO sweet

but there are plenty of obstacles and hurdles that come up to test me and test what type of person i really am

sometimes i fail sometimes i pass

i think today was a successful day

the roads were clear and traffic was moving which eliminated one stress that can sometimes do me in

i tried to get a jump start on my week by showering me and mini me early (her hair is not done or washed but hey i have to leave something for Monday)

we went to the grocery store and got food for the week-healthy food
salads for me-which she helped me make (and that included eating half my cucumber)  i love my heathy eater

i purged some items out of her closet as well as folded two loads of toddler clothes which is definitely a PIA

but im grateful for the amount of clothing and articles and "STUFF" that i am able to give my child
i realize so many others are not surrounded by the amount of excess that she is

day by day week by week month by month i continue to be in awe of my daughter
she is BY far my greatest achievement to date
i am humbled by her brightness and kindness
i laugh at her humor and antics
i am touched by her love and affection and extreme cuddly nature

she is such a gift
and one that i LOVE beyond compare and beyond words that i am able to articulate

this sunday when i awoke my world was peaceful and content
my heart was full and overflowing and i thought genuinely LIFE IS GOOD

my life may not be perfect
my life may not be according "everyone's" ideals but to me
my life is SO good
its a beautiful story full of color and character and charm

as each chapter unfolds i learn something new, i cry, i let go and i move on
and sometimes in some chapters i just sit and marvel
or reflect

if you asked me 5, 10 years ago what i thought my life would like that
i could have never predicted this
but that's not bad
its not good
it just is
and from every person to come in my life
and to everyone who has walked away
i am thankful for the time spent and the memories created
i dont have any regrets because i am who i am because of every decision i have made
every path i took whether the road less traveled or the popular one
they have all attributed to my character to my heart and to ME

so as today draws nigh and we hunker down for another work week
think about your sunday think about today and think about how it started
who was on your mind
who did you wake up besides

and ask yourself...aint life grand

Define your wealth

so i am here at work and i SHOULD be working but i'm not
despite having a pretty full schedule

on my drive in this morning the idea of what makes one wealthy and how we all have different interpretations of this was crossing my mind

the quote i saw on pinterest and ive seen before was don't get so busy making a life that you forget to live

ive been reflecting on that

so many people lose themselves and consume themselves and define themselves by their work but once you have walked out th building

what are you going home to

what is keeping you warm at night

i would love to attribute this to the male gender but if we are looking at things honestly

it is women too

one of our chief's of staff a woman is the FIRST to admit she gave up her marriage and the prospect of having kids for her job

don't get me wrong she was powerful and on top of the world

BUT there is a give and take
and despite what "they say" you can't have it all

at some point at some fork in the road you have to choose

work will always be there
but building a family
building a future it wont

life is not guaranteed
people move on
people get tired of being pushed to the side and not being #1

do i love my job
i like it , i like it enough to show up and do a GREAT job but my family my kid they mean FAR more to me
when my day is crazy
when chaos threatens to take over
i keep it in perspective
its my job and i am not going to let me job run me in the ground
because i refuse to let it run me in the ground to where i have nothing left for my kid and my my family

i know i am not the only one who feels this way
but i know a lot of people feel the opposite

i know a lot of guys want to reach a certain status before they settle down
and maybe that is because society places a different level of expectation on men but
what is wealthy to you
is it having coworkers praise your hard work and dedication
or is it that your friends and family say
wow they were always there for me and put us first

im less concerned with how my coworkers view me and know me versus my family and those in my inner circle

do i make them feel like they are a priority or do i make them feel last

for me wealth is not defined by a job title or a dollar amount but by the memories i make and the smiles i can elicit
wealth is defined by warm hugs and laughter
wealth is defined by my loved ones ....bottom line..end of discussion

to love me is to know that you will always come first
my time just like everyone else's is the best gift and the most immeasurable gift you can give to someone
its free but are you willing to give it
or does it have to wait

GOOD Man

There was a strong request by a certain J.S to "write a blog" so here ya go


I was listening to a song on my way in this morning called "Good Man"

and it got me to thinking

the singer was explaining how when women are young they always want the bad boy the guy with the edge and yet once they are a little older they want the GOOD GUY
they want the guy who is not going to hurt them
they want the guy who is steady and consistent

your persepective changes
your optic changes
you mature and you become more realistic in what you want and what appeals to you

at some point in your life you stop and look and say what's important to ME

not what's important to others but what is important to ME

at some point you look in the mirror and say what do I need and want

everyone is different everyone has their own priorities and desires

everyone's good guy will look a little different
just like everyone's ideal mate will be a little different

when you are young you want the hot guy with the sports car
as you become a little older you want the guy with the paid for car
you want the guy who can come meet your family

for me personally i think i have looked for certain qualities in a mate
but what's most important to me now with a daughter is not what was important to me before

now when i think about a mate i want someone who i trust to be around my daughter
it is important to me that there is a certain dynamic between my child and a mate

despite it being 2014 and society still having issues with pairs of people who don't "match" or fit the "public standard"
finally at 32 on the cusp of 33 i don't care

i don't care if the person i choose to be with doesn't look like what you expect from me and for me

what matters to me is how i feel
what matters to me is how im treated

what matters to me is how often i smile how often i laugh

to me-a GOOD MAN does not have a specific package
a GOOD MAN has GOOD ingredients

a GOOD MAN knows when to step up
a GOOD MAN knows when to take the lead
he knows when to stand at your side
he knows when to talk
he knows when to support
he knows HOW to support

a GOOD MAN does not worry how he looks to his buddies because he knows his woman is the #1 priority
a GOOD MAN sees your vulnerabilities and doesn't exploit them but shares his with you so that as a team you can be stronger

a GOOD MAN knows your strengths and weaknesses and loves you in spite and through them

challenges are just THAT a challenge to a GOOD MAN and not a end of the road or a deterrent

as a girl i wanted fun and i wanted thrill and yes those are nice now but as a WOMAN what i want most to compliment me is a GOOD MAN who fits MY BILL
not anyone else's
not my best friend's
not my family
BUT mine
we all lay our heads on our own pillows at night
and if you can lay your head soundly on your pillow and know you are tasting happiness then
that is ultimately all that matters