you were my first

a new experience
an opportunity to try something new

so long ago and yet like yesterday
a lot has changed
many things are the same

a level of comfort
a sense of familiarity

a puzzle piece that just fits
a question that does not require an answer

a rainbow amidst a stormy sky
an oasis in the middle of a desert

butterflies were aflutter
nerves were at an all time high

the mind of a dreamer
the heart of a romantic lover

awakened at the prospect
thrilled by the maybe

seas are ever changing
two boats drifted in the night

the water became choppy
perfect storms arose

eventually seas were calm
the sun began to shine
life began to awaken

second time around
just as sweet

maybe sweeter

no longer a new experience

now a familiar ride down memory lane
nostalgic and safe

live life grow change

wine gets better with time

great stories can be written

memories and amazing lives unfold

perfect people exist in utopia

the right people exist in reality

first means once, a one time opportunity

no repeats

no do overs


a phoenix rises out of the ashes

out of the dust to reveal

a magnificent bird

out of the old

sometimes a new beginning is found


you were my first......................

life is good

sunday reflections

while i did not find myself inside a conventional place of worship that did not stop me from marveling at the beauty around me and the many gifts that God gives us and me in particular

today was a day where i was just at peace
i was calm cool and collected

okay admittedly i did have to use my sharp tone with my child once or twice but at the end of the day she and i had a great time and the throw up has since been cleaned up out of her car seat

i feel there are so many hurdles that pop up to test me and *sidebar minime just climbed up on the couch besides me and lay her head on my shoulder and kissed me*
life is SO sweet

but there are plenty of obstacles and hurdles that come up to test me and test what type of person i really am

sometimes i fail sometimes i pass

i think today was a successful day

the roads were clear and traffic was moving which eliminated one stress that can sometimes do me in

i tried to get a jump start on my week by showering me and mini me early (her hair is not done or washed but hey i have to leave something for Monday)

we went to the grocery store and got food for the week-healthy food
salads for me-which she helped me make (and that included eating half my cucumber)  i love my heathy eater

i purged some items out of her closet as well as folded two loads of toddler clothes which is definitely a PIA

but im grateful for the amount of clothing and articles and "STUFF" that i am able to give my child
i realize so many others are not surrounded by the amount of excess that she is

day by day week by week month by month i continue to be in awe of my daughter
she is BY far my greatest achievement to date
i am humbled by her brightness and kindness
i laugh at her humor and antics
i am touched by her love and affection and extreme cuddly nature

she is such a gift
and one that i LOVE beyond compare and beyond words that i am able to articulate

this sunday when i awoke my world was peaceful and content
my heart was full and overflowing and i thought genuinely LIFE IS GOOD

my life may not be perfect
my life may not be according "everyone's" ideals but to me
my life is SO good
its a beautiful story full of color and character and charm

as each chapter unfolds i learn something new, i cry, i let go and i move on
and sometimes in some chapters i just sit and marvel
or reflect

if you asked me 5, 10 years ago what i thought my life would like that
i could have never predicted this
but that's not bad
its not good
it just is
and from every person to come in my life
and to everyone who has walked away
i am thankful for the time spent and the memories created
i dont have any regrets because i am who i am because of every decision i have made
every path i took whether the road less traveled or the popular one
they have all attributed to my character to my heart and to ME

so as today draws nigh and we hunker down for another work week
think about your sunday think about today and think about how it started
who was on your mind
who did you wake up besides

and ask yourself...aint life grand

Define your wealth

so i am here at work and i SHOULD be working but i'm not
despite having a pretty full schedule

on my drive in this morning the idea of what makes one wealthy and how we all have different interpretations of this was crossing my mind

the quote i saw on pinterest and ive seen before was don't get so busy making a life that you forget to live

ive been reflecting on that

so many people lose themselves and consume themselves and define themselves by their work but once you have walked out th building

what are you going home to

what is keeping you warm at night

i would love to attribute this to the male gender but if we are looking at things honestly

it is women too

one of our chief's of staff a woman is the FIRST to admit she gave up her marriage and the prospect of having kids for her job

don't get me wrong she was powerful and on top of the world

BUT there is a give and take
and despite what "they say" you can't have it all

at some point at some fork in the road you have to choose

work will always be there
but building a family
building a future it wont

life is not guaranteed
people move on
people get tired of being pushed to the side and not being #1

do i love my job
i like it , i like it enough to show up and do a GREAT job but my family my kid they mean FAR more to me
when my day is crazy
when chaos threatens to take over
i keep it in perspective
its my job and i am not going to let me job run me in the ground
because i refuse to let it run me in the ground to where i have nothing left for my kid and my my family

i know i am not the only one who feels this way
but i know a lot of people feel the opposite

i know a lot of guys want to reach a certain status before they settle down
and maybe that is because society places a different level of expectation on men but
what is wealthy to you
is it having coworkers praise your hard work and dedication
or is it that your friends and family say
wow they were always there for me and put us first

im less concerned with how my coworkers view me and know me versus my family and those in my inner circle

do i make them feel like they are a priority or do i make them feel last

for me wealth is not defined by a job title or a dollar amount but by the memories i make and the smiles i can elicit
wealth is defined by warm hugs and laughter
wealth is defined by my loved ones ....bottom line..end of discussion

to love me is to know that you will always come first
my time just like everyone else's is the best gift and the most immeasurable gift you can give to someone
its free but are you willing to give it
or does it have to wait

GOOD Man

There was a strong request by a certain J.S to "write a blog" so here ya go


I was listening to a song on my way in this morning called "Good Man"

and it got me to thinking

the singer was explaining how when women are young they always want the bad boy the guy with the edge and yet once they are a little older they want the GOOD GUY
they want the guy who is not going to hurt them
they want the guy who is steady and consistent

your persepective changes
your optic changes
you mature and you become more realistic in what you want and what appeals to you

at some point in your life you stop and look and say what's important to ME

not what's important to others but what is important to ME

at some point you look in the mirror and say what do I need and want

everyone is different everyone has their own priorities and desires

everyone's good guy will look a little different
just like everyone's ideal mate will be a little different

when you are young you want the hot guy with the sports car
as you become a little older you want the guy with the paid for car
you want the guy who can come meet your family

for me personally i think i have looked for certain qualities in a mate
but what's most important to me now with a daughter is not what was important to me before

now when i think about a mate i want someone who i trust to be around my daughter
it is important to me that there is a certain dynamic between my child and a mate

despite it being 2014 and society still having issues with pairs of people who don't "match" or fit the "public standard"
finally at 32 on the cusp of 33 i don't care

i don't care if the person i choose to be with doesn't look like what you expect from me and for me

what matters to me is how i feel
what matters to me is how im treated

what matters to me is how often i smile how often i laugh

to me-a GOOD MAN does not have a specific package
a GOOD MAN has GOOD ingredients

a GOOD MAN knows when to step up
a GOOD MAN knows when to take the lead
he knows when to stand at your side
he knows when to talk
he knows when to support
he knows HOW to support

a GOOD MAN does not worry how he looks to his buddies because he knows his woman is the #1 priority
a GOOD MAN sees your vulnerabilities and doesn't exploit them but shares his with you so that as a team you can be stronger

a GOOD MAN knows your strengths and weaknesses and loves you in spite and through them

challenges are just THAT a challenge to a GOOD MAN and not a end of the road or a deterrent

as a girl i wanted fun and i wanted thrill and yes those are nice now but as a WOMAN what i want most to compliment me is a GOOD MAN who fits MY BILL
not anyone else's
not my best friend's
not my family
BUT mine
we all lay our heads on our own pillows at night
and if you can lay your head soundly on your pillow and know you are tasting happiness then
that is ultimately all that matters

New city-new adventures-new beginnings -PA -AZ oh my

initially i was going to write about how my bestie is moving to PA and how it is going to be a change a new environment and a new start BUT then i thought man this is going to be GREAT

#1-she will be so close to me so that for the next 2 years I will have my partner in crime a mere hours away-i'm talking weekend trips here i come
i realize her family is sad but the reality is it is definitely a treat and a rarity to have family all live within close confines of the city
I am SUPER close with my family but my parents live in Michigan and my siblings in NYC

BUT that does not make us any less close..its not always super convenient but space is not always a bad thing

your love and relationship is not always strained or lessened by extra miles

long distance whether with family or a significant other may not always be simple but who wants simple

it makes you appreciate the time you spend together
distance makes you find creative ways to keep in touch and creative ways to let the person know they are on your mind and you love them

josh for example lives about 4/5 hours away and in all fairness and in a world of highly motivated people i could easily see him every other weekend if needed

its not like he is on an island or 10 hours away
would i love to see my brother everyday MAYBE and who knows what future seasons will hold

but to my bestie who i know this stresses out ..its not so bad...it makes you stronger you become more self reliant and more defined by who you are

sometimes i would love to be closer to home so i could have free babysitting and sleep over at my parents house on the weekends when i wanted
more family functions..more dinners..etc

but since im not at this moment i just am thankful for having a loving ad supportive family that utilizes technology and other ways to make me feel not so far

long distance relationships were never my thing
they were never on my list of things to partake in and areas that i am willing to try

amazing how whenever you make a bold declaration such as what you WILL NOT do
that when God challenges you and hands you a new adventure and a test

AZ is far-i wont lie and man oh man if i had my way i'd pick ten other places closer

but guess what-that's not the plan
sometimes you can rewrite the plan and other times you just have to stick to the script

hmmmm so the pros of LONG DISTANCE

-you focus on the important things and not so much the little insignificant ones
-communication becomes your strongest attribute because you dont have the luxury of day to day, night to night, morning to morning face to face conversations
you build your relationship on emails and phone calls and letters and with the aid of technology there is now facetime and dont forget your SELFIE lol

im sure there is some other stuff and i wont begin to list the cons because well hell i dont want to and i dont need to go down that path

but BOTH of these lovely folks departures are on a timeframe (THANK GOSH)
let me say this again THANK GOSH

I can whine my way through 2 years-it has an expiration date before things go back to normal

if it was indefinite the sentiment would be VERY different

now while i whine through one 2 years i am going to celebrate and drink through the 2 years of the PA adventure!!!!!!

I have missed my best friend and there is NO other like her-there just isnt
and her sisters have had her all to themselves and NOW I am about to hoard her like a TLC special
stage that intervention!!!!!

 

As the Sunday Sun sets

sitting in my apartment with the patio shades open
peacefully taking in the setting sun

jordan and i both comfortably on the couch snuggled in warm blankets fresh out the dryer

i love after a wonderful weekend just being able to sit and reflect and replay the moments
moments that made me smile
things that made me laugh
moments that will forever be in my mind and forever remind me of a happy time and what life is all about

the yummy smell of peach bellini lingers in the air
a reminder of a turning point and a new start for me

last christmas my forever bestie gifted this candle to me
and i told myself i would not light it until i moved
the new candle signified a new start for me

it signified reacquainting myself with who i am and what makes me smile
in january when i first lit the candle i cried
i cried as i looked around at my life and saw some of the changes as setbacks and failures

the candle was symbolic for me
the smell is amazing and it has a comforting affect
initially i didnt want to burn the candle because i wanted it to last i wanted to hold on to it
and as i think about that
i guess that represents life
often we dont want change we fear it we hold on to where we are because its comfortable
we resist giving our all and risking being vulnerable

but in order to smell the sweetness in life
you have to light the candle
you have to enjoy the beautiful aroma of surprises
and new beginnings and new things

as the months passed by and i continued to light the candle
so many changes happened in my life
the candle continues to burn and although im saddened that it almost gone
i look at where i am now versus january
this candle has gotten me thru the past 8 months
and the smell has gotten sweeter
my life has moved forward
i no longer cry when peach bellini fills the air
i smile
i smile at where i am now
i smile wondering what changes will happen next
i wonder when the candle burns its last time
what will be the new start
what new sweetness will fill the air

i sometimes cringe at starting over and going back to square one
but somehow for me
i continue to land in a sweet spot
my support system is always there and ready to rally behind me
and the right people come in my life and the ones that are not so right are weeded out naturally

so as this Sunday draws to a close and another weekend is behind me
i think how sweet my life is
i think about the smile on my face and the warmth in my heart
i think that right now at this moment i wouldnt change a thing
im right where i need to be

38 years and counting!!!!

so i want to dedicate today's thoughts and blog to a couple i know pretty well and today they are celebrating 38 years of marriage

38 YEARS-HOLY ISH!!!

That's a long time..its longer than i've been a live
its 3 decades almost 4

38 years is a LONG time-okay i know i already said that but as someone who seemingly hasn't even seen a 5 year let alone 10 years
38 years is FOREVER

are they cut from a different cloth

is it a generational thing

what is it that binds a couple together for 38 years

its not just love, although having some of that helps

is it commitment

is it EQUAL commitment
i think many failed marriages have the commitment but maybe its not equal or maybe its not strong so that when its tested
its crumbles

i think of how amazing it must be to have that much time in with someone

i think about how well you know someone and how im sure it genuinely gets sweeter and sweeter as the years go by

to get through the first 10 years of identifying and defining yourselves as a couple
then another 10 years to get into a groove and enjoy life and one another
then another 10 years to keep doing what you have clearly been doing and doing it well

ive read statistics that say divorce can be a generational thing
but then i look at me
my parents are celebrating 38 years and yet
where am i
not divorced just once but almost twice

why is that

i had a PERFECT example
i saw what it takes
i dont think i lack the commitment

i dont lack the desire and willingness to put in the work
i want til death do us part

i want to be confident in my relationship
i want to have that security that my partner is mine and mine alone and that no matter what obstacle comes along they will STILL be there

i want that spouse that is mindful of me and my sensitivities and fights fair
i want a spouse that disagrees but does not say things to damage or destroy me and our relationship

i want to build something and watch it grow
i have already created an alternate family model for my child
but how can i still give her what my parents gave me
i want to give her stability and positive examples

i dont want my child to replicate my mistakes and failures
i dont want her to see divorce as the norm and an easy out
i want my child to know her gigi and grampy put in decades together and that is the example
that is the model

soooo to mom and dad thank you for showing me how its done
even if i cant seem to get it right
at least i KNOW and have an excellent example of what marriage looks like and i see what the fruits of your labor produce
thank you
thank you
and Happy Anniversary