Thursday, March 28, 2013

Thursday- A LITTLE CARE REPAIR

Today's blog is stolen from my daily devotion and I think it will hit home for so many

Relationships are the very foundation of who we are and our lives

They require constant tuning and attention..much like an expensive sports car.. You do not save up for a Porsche or Ashton Martin and then put regular unleaded fuel in it and expect it to run like its meant.

Another way to think about our relationships is in the analogy of sports...atheletes do not just show up on game day and expect to play their best. NO they practice and constantly tweak their approaches and hone their skills
why would you think a relationship or a marriage would be any different

its not good enough to just get on the team
you have to show up and be in it to win it EVERYDAY

what you did to get the person-keep doing that but continue to add more to your rapport

The Lions don't use the same formations and techniques year after year...they review tape and they look for ways to get better and to strengthen their defense and offense and a marriage is much the same

you need to always work on your defense..which is ensuring you are doing what you have to do to keep away temptation and other negatives that want to destroy your marriage as well as working on the offense which is listening to and learning your spouse
it is not listening to them once and thinking you got them
its always listening and always learning

communication is an evolving and constant thing
its not a one time effort
you can always spot the couples with poor communication skills

I read an article last night and Will Smith was giving marital advice at a wedding and he said remember to L-U-V
Listen to your wife
Understand your wife
and Validate what your wife is saying

I thought-what a great concept

it's the easiest things that present the biggest challenges

but knowing complacency is the biggest relationship efforts don't you want to work harder..don't you want your marriage to be at the superbowl level
dont you want that level of greatness or are you ok with just being a team

So since I digressed here is the blog...entitled A LITTLE CARE REPAIR


A Little Care Repair

Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. (Proverbs 16:24, NLT)

Every couple faces communication challenges in their marriage. I’ve  learned there is one element necessary for success—caring.

That’s right. It doesn’t matter what communication techniques you may know and understand—if you don’t care, it won’t make a difference.

The actual breakdown of communication in marriage typically begins when attitudes begin to change. For instance, when you first began dating, you had long conversations about your
lives, future, expectations, etc. And things were great! Why? Because you cared! You worked to understand each other and affirm the importance of what the other person had to say. This is one reason you fell in love and became willing to commit in a deeper way to the relationship.

Fast forward into the marriage when communication begins to break down and you’ll find a different story. The lack of faceto-face, meaningful time together combined with sarcastic retorts, eye rolling, negative facial gestures and just a basic lack of caring about what your spouse is feeling or saying will devastate the atmosphere of positive communication.

For your marriage to be successful, you’re going to have to have an open line of communication. For that to happen, you need to feel safe enough to share your thoughts and feelings with each other. That will only take place if you feel as though the other person really cares.

Caring is communicated by eye contact, a positive countenance, providing positive feedback as your spouse shares, valuing his or her input, and simply doing anything you can to let them know you care. Also, as you care about your partner, it will become easier to understand the opposite sex. It’s really not that hard to figure out the person you are married to if you really care about him or her. However, if you don’t have personal concern for each other, your marriage can quickly become a dark mystery with danger at every turn.

Talk It Out | Have you communicated lately how much you care about each other? Are you experiencing a breakdown in communication because of some of the negative traits listed above? If so, talk about ways to make positive changes in these areas.

Walk It Out | Show your spouse how much you care by making eye contact and giving positive feedback during your next conversation.

--
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
Dr. Seuss

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Tuesday

I was tossing around a few ideas for blogs...one was on what is love really..how do we define it...how we say it..but we say it when it is easy..we say we love someone when the times are good and its all smiles and sun shines and that is great but that is EASY LOVE and I dare not say real love...

Love to me is when things are UGLY..that is when you know LOVE is genuine

LOVE is when a situation is murky and you are given the benefit of the doubt LOVE is when a situation is mean and gritty but you remain calm and constant and understanding
That is love
LOVE is NOT February 14th-it is the other 364 days a year

That leads me to my topic of today...being the best person you can be..focusing on your blessings and not your shortcomings or areas lacking

Keeping up with yourself and not the Jones'
Being your genuine self and not someone else's definition


How can we really be the best person we can be..and who defines that

I think we have to determine what makes us happy in life..who makes us happy and then work to maintain and preserve those things

Family has always been #1 for me...being around my family my loved ones makes me happy ..thats when i feel the most like me

it's very easy to focus on life's breaks or failures but i think by doing so it diminishes all the good things that happen

as humans we want to be planners we want a "plan" we want a blue print
life doesnt work that way
life is not perfect
but life is about living
life is not about how many items you can check off on your list
life to me is about the moments and the memories
at the end of my day before i drift off to sleep i think about the smiles
i think about the hugs i think about those i love
i am not thinking about what i did not do or what i messed up

i hear often in the yogis circle about being your "authentic self"
i always wondered what it meant
i think it means....giving more than you take
doing more good than harm
i think it means being a smiling face instead of the frown
i think it means making decisions that you are proud of and would tell anyone about
being authentic...whether you believe in who and what...being true to yourself means standing behind your words

what do others think of you..what do you want them to think of you
are you the same person when you are alone
are you the same person when faced with a tough situation

all of us have shortcomings but i dont think that is what defines us
we can take criticism and fix the problems
we can make ourselves stronger

we should always be working on ourselves..no one is perfect...
today maybe ask yourself
did you make the world a better place today
did you help or did you hurt

if today was your last what was your legacy
did you leave any unsettled situations
were you waiting until later or tomorrow to apologize

life and love are precious and i try hard to cultivate those relationships because they are me and they mean the world to me
love has been redefined with my child and i cannot love her enough
i cannot hug her enough kiss her enough

she makes me a better person because my capacity to love has just grown and grown
all of the mistakes i made and make in my life...they all were a part of who i am and what lead me to this point
they all were in the design and essential stops on the road of my life...............

--
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
Dr. Seuss

Friday, March 22, 2013

Cheater Blog

So I was all prepared to write a blog on love and the many types of love and I may still do so but in one of the blogs I follow I was inspired by his words today-so today I am sharing THE DAILY LOVE…I hope you are able to get something from it…I did

I will write on my take on love later……But just think about when you have said I LOVE YOU to someone and to someone who is no longer around..do you really still love them..has the love changed..what does your heart say….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and he is dating a new girl. He said it was fun, but it was starting to lack passion.

And that made me think.

Sometimes, you know people are just not compatible, but sometimes it's something else.


In my own relationship with Jenna, I've learned that passion is earned. It's not just given. Because you can't fake passion.

 

You can't MAKE yourself BE passionate because passion is something that YOU ARE. You can't fake it. You can try, but, at the end of the day, you and your partner will be able to FEEL the in authenticity of you trying to fake passion.

 

So, how does one CREATE passion in a relationship?

 

Well, Jenna and I have come to see that by through going through the dark times, the triggers and the tough times in a relationship - it is by weathering those storms that passion is earned and revealed. But not just passion - INTIMACY.

 

You see, intimacy and passion come from truth telling. In a loving relationship if you aren't telling the truth, your relationship is slowly dying. Passion - true passion, IN LOVE passion, comes like the dawn - after the darkest moments.

 

Like the calm waters after a storm.

 

Passion isn't something you can just EXPECT to happen; it is EARNED through trial and error. And if you REALLY love someone, by NOT LEAVING when it gets hard, but by staying - working THROUGH the problem and getting to the other side - that's how you create passion.

 

In my own relationship with Jenna, we have moments like this. Triggers happen. Disagreements happen. And it's on the other side of those moments where we have both been able to be ourselves - even if we're mad, frustrated or sad, and come out the other side. When someone loves you after you've shown them that side of you, passion comes, intimacy comes, LOVE blossoms even more.

 

If you are in a relationship and you two love each other but passion is missing, intimacy is missing - consider you both may not be telling the truth. And don't make the other person small by assuming they can't handle what's going on for you.

 

This is real LOVE.

 

This is how Jenna and I create an AMAZING passion-filled relationship!

 

Now, one caveat. When you express "your truth" - this is not a hall pass to justify being a jerk. You have to take responsibility for your side of the track. But if you want PASSION, you earn it through truth telling.

 

How does this apply to YOUR life?

 

 

april janelle

"Let go of the things you fear to lose. Die to your attachments. Free yourself from everything you think you are and embrace the truth that you are abundant, eternal, fearless and worth being loved."

 

- Jackson Kiddard, author and polymath.

 

 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Temptation

Catchy title...common theme

There is a movie coming out next week about it
my daily devotional touched on it today as well

we all face temptation, its unavoidable but how you handle it..its not a will you be tempted but when you are..what do you do..are you ready

temptation can be in our relationships..like the movie will touch on and hey when we receive attention from someone other than our spouse how do we handle it
do we think" they will never know" ...do we think..well they have been so busy lately...are we so excited to have someone new pay attention to us...are we tempted

are we tempted to join in office gossip
are we tempted to be mean or childish or selfish
temptation is beyond cheating, stealing, and/or lying
temptation can be found everywhere

my devotional today talks about how to avoid it..how to beat and overcome temptation and i think its important to share it

you do have to have your mind aware and present and want to overcome it..that can be done by thinking about the consequences...i listen to steve harvey's strawberry letter in the morning and it is all too evident what happens when folks live for the moment and give in to temptation without regarding themselves, their families, and the repercussions

be smart about it..think with your brain..think with your heart..think beyond yourself..think 5 minutes or even 5 months from now and what the worse case scenario can/would be

you have to know you can resist whatever is drawing you in..dont succumb to the "i'm weak" theory or other justifications for your actions
think about how good you will feel when you do not cave

also avoid the traps and areas of weakness....if you know dunkin donuts is your downfall..dont walk by...dont stop there for coffee or tea...dont set yourself up
it's like an alcoholic..they know there are certain situations they should not be in because it is too easy to slip

i am thinking of a friend now who is in a situation that involves having to deal with the mother of a child..its easy to have a match as to who is the better woman..my friend hands down is (not because she is my friend) but the other mom is a drug user and someone just not in a good or responsible place in her life
but i feel like my friend sometimes triumphs in spotlighting this womens faults and shortcomings
i feel like she is tempted to always prove why she is better or to dance on the failures of this woman
and while this other mom is not perfect she is a person and guess what who is without fault
i kinda have lost some respect for my friend the way in which she is handling this situation

instead of keeping it discrete and amongst a few its plastered on Facebook or pushed out to anyone who will listen
and at what point are you no better
you may not be doing the drugs but if your character triumphs in someone elses failures that is a reflection on you

i have had to deal with my own situations...where a coworker who i strongly dislike came to work on my team and i had to train her
i could have taken that situation several ways..i could have stooped to her level or been the bigger person

by not giving in to temptation i was the bigger person and it was noted by others

i wish she would do the same..unfortunately she is too busy justifying it saying -its not her fault that she did/does the drugs or she gets what she gets but
who are we to judge

we all stumble we all make mistakes but acknowledge it and move on..dont let your mistakes define you
dont let it take you over

i know i may have jumped topics or strayed from the original path
but maybe the next time temptation is knocking-whether that is being short with someone or lying about not wanting to talk to them
just pause and think how you can be the better person
and whether you are doing good or harm



--
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
Dr. Seuss

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Take it like a man Kwame

Where do I even begin with this
I love my city..I do...My city gets a bad rap..some of it well deserved BUT  I dont feel my city is any worse than any other..I feel the publicity hounds like to constantly keep their Detroit radar on...which utterly disgusts me and makes me feel if we are going to put bad cities out there let's put them ALL out there...right now let's be frank Chicago is doing pretty bad right now.....

I digress...i wanted to talk about honesty and owning your dirt....which brings me to exhibit A....Kwame K...

I've had my fair share of Kwame jokes and laughs but when you get to the bottom of it and really think about it..there is a big fundamental problem and theme..lack of HONESTY

I follow the news all the way in VA regarding Kwame and at this point in the game I feel like Kwame..own your shit...you are trying to pull a Barry Bonds and deny deny deny but dude really the writing is on the wall so we either are ALL liars and dumb or you did not do anything wrong

No one likes a liar...as someone in a position of trust people want to relate to you..people want to have faith in you..they want a hero....and when you break the trust..what the people want is for you to confess..say you are sorry and make amends...
what they dont want and dont need is for someone to continue to "pretend" and keep the charade up

Kwame in all of his arrogance and feeling invincible for a few moments felt that rules did not apply to him ..or maybe he thought he was connected enough or maybe he thought his charm and charisma would get him out of it

not sure his thoughts
but at the end of the day...the core issue here is honesty
are we truly honest with ourselves with those around us
are we
do we project our fears and angers on others
are we honest if someone hurts our feelings or do we mask it behind something else and try to hurt them
are we honest about disappointments or let downs in our life or do we display an air of nonchalance 
are we honest about our desires and our dreams or do we shut them down before they have the opportunity to grow

honesty
its a simple
word

but a daunting
concept

its the basis of human life and interaction
but yet something
so easily not practiced or forgone in place of sugar coating and being "politically" correct

why is that
my thoughts
honesty makes us vulnerable
honesty can sometimes mean we are not perfect 
we may not know it all
honesty means we may have to change
honestly is dealing with the good bad and ugly
we can deal with the good and sometimes the bad
but the ugly...
no
we prefer to keep it locked away
our own personal secrets

are you not relieved and more carefree when you dont have secrets
for example when you maybe dated someone and you told a little lie
and then the lie had to keep growing or whatever in order to cover your tracks or keep up the charade

but when you meet someone and they know all of the corners and crevices of you...its liberating
its easier 

relationships built on honesty are easy
you are not afraid to show your weaknesses and in a marriage that is the opportunity for them to be your strength

nothing good comes from lies
out of honesty comes growth 
comes potential

just a few thoughts
Kwame...i know you are deep in your lie at this point 
but its never to late to correct your lie...
you may still do the time but you may be able to gain a little bit of respect back...or a sliver of humanity

right now you are looked upon as the philandering cocky ex hip hop mayor
no one wants to focus on the good you did for the city
no one sees the education you have and how articulate you are
nope they flash back to the super nasty text you sent to chrisitine b and how you shamed yourself your wife and your kids

you cant take it back but showing a little humility could have gone a long way



--
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
Dr. Seuss

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Cookies in Bed

The subject line was misleading because while yes I just ate a cookie in bed that is not what my blog was about


Today I had a wonderful day...I started it off with a playdate with my daughters little buddy Lauren at 6am (some of you may say WHOA that's early but it wasn't bad)

by 930 Lauren was on her way back home and my sweet little Jordan was winding down for a morning nap

As she lay there sleep next to me (because YES as the Mom of a toddler anytime I can get a nap-I get a nap) but when I awoke-I just stared at her ..I stared at her and reflected on my life during the past 18 months

Having a baby is the biggest change ...being married is an adjustment..having a child is a change
life as you know it changes
this is so hard to explain to anyone who doesn't have a kid...being an uncle or an aunt you think you know but trust me YOU DON'T 
like someone who has never experienced labor...you can read all the books..watch all the videos have ALL the empathy but you will NOT understand

I think about how self centered my life USED to be..I think about the freedoms I had..staying up late..sleeping in..I think about happy hours and hanging with my girls

I think about my husband and I having drinks and dinner on the fly...not anymore

I think about my old relationships and how much they have changed

It's hard for some to understand and some of my girls still want to hang out or say let's do happy hour after work and sometimes I want to go..MOST times I don't

There are always people who say you have to have your YOU time or find balance or not fall off the face of the planet after having a kid but just like with sleeping through the night-co sleeping-breast vs formula....HOW you are after a baby is a PERSONAL decision

my friends can i am sure rattle off a million examples of people they know who still are out kicking it and living it up after a baby.... GREAT for them

I LOVE my child...being a Mom is the BEST job ever and I think the fact that I waited until I was good and grown and settled allows me to be a better mom and truly enjoy it

my #1 priority is MY family
my child
my husband
my family

I watch (on occasion) Keeping up with the Kardashians and the oldest sister has two kids and her sisters never seem to understand why she wants to just be at home with them...we laugh at that because it's tv and "entertainment" but the reality is I completely agree and understand how and what she feels
my child is in daycare 9-10 hours a day -we get home by 5 pm and bedtime is 730 so  after work i dont want to hang out i want to go make the most of those 2 hours with my baby

i used to be glued to my phones..a slave to my email and social media but now that i am a mom...that's not my #1
if i dont get to my email ..oh well
phone calls..i try to return and you know what most people understand
my parents oh they know because they have been there

i may find time at the end of my day for emails or something but often by the time i get my baby to bed..its a decision between tv..a good book..checking emails...spending time with my hubby..and oops dont forget making my childs lunch for school or laundry

people dont know but they think they do

be a Mom for a day..not a babysitter a Mom
it forever change you

the most important thing i have learned as a mom
is to do what you have to do for your child..your house your well being

everyone else has to fall in line..it sounds very blunt but as a Mom you have enough juggling to do and if you start factoring in how your actions make other people feel you will start down the path of stress

happy mommy
happy baby 
happy world

being a mom you are constantly on a stage open for judgment
everyone has a better way to "raise" your child
everyone has a solution for what you need to do

every child is NOT the same
ive excepted my child just does not like to sleep all the way through the night
im sure this will change as she gets older but for now no
 everyone feels like they have the solution which i have long ago stopped solicitiing for "suggestions"
if there was a one stop answer there would not be a gazillion books out on sleep training

i digress
18 months ago i chatted it up everyday on the phone with my bestie
after i had my baby it was a blur i didnt talk to her as often
i was sad because things were changing and this was new...but now she has a baby and its a mutual understanding..we may not talk everyday but its not a drifting relationship..its moreso the next time we talk we have more to catch up with

in life change happens ...its inevitable 
we can either accept it and embrace it or continually fight the current and eventually drown in our disappointments that come when change happens and we did not expect it or want it

well its 847 and i hear a little 23 pounder stirring in her bed,,,
Mommy duty calls

--
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
Dr. Seuss

Monday, March 4, 2013

How do WE treat others

Good morning
Happy monday-no matter what..we all are here and there are some who are not so let's put that in perspective first and foremost

So i was on pinterest this morning and came across a quote/saying that really screamed out to me...i have attached it below (well you have to click the link) but i will talk about it

The quote says treat everyone you come across today like it is their last day...treat them with respect and kindness expecting nothing in return

*that me paraphrasing*
How true this is...how do we treat people....how do we treat our brother (in the Biblical sense)
Are we patient or are we always rushing
Do we make the time for folks or do we push them off for "later"?

Does later always happen?
Do we talk to people sometimes without regard thinking we can apologize later
Are we always aware of what people are going through

Is it hard to treat people the way we want to be treated

I think we all get so absorbed in our own world and our own selfishness that we forget how our lives mesh with others...

We take forgiveness and understanding for granted

What if that one time you are mean or short with someone or that one fight is the LAST time......will it be worth it? Is that how you want to be remembered?  Is that what you want to be known as?

That leads me to wonder....what do people think of you? If someone speaks your name or talks behind your back....what are they saying?

Do you come across genuine...or you an asshole...are you a kind person...are you the person people confide in...are you trustworthy......

I guess my thought in all of this is to pause today-to really think about our interaction with others.....treat others like it is their last day and that means with respect and reverence.... smile more... be slow to anger....
Your time and your smile are the most important and biggest gifts we can give someone

So today on this monday..the day everyone drags through...be a gift to someone....

wow... - http://pinterest.com/pin/86272149084023715/